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I decided on my own and with a small push from Kelly that I'd continue to see Jane. At first I was reluctant, but who wouldn't be. I was hoping that this would somehow help me. That'll help me come to terms with all this pent up emotion I'd been harboring. They say sometimes talking to someone could make you feel ten times as lighter.
Like usual Mr. Phoenix drops me off. But instead of at ten o'clock in the morning it was around one in the afternoon. He used his whole lunch break to bring me here. I knock on the door and a few beats later Jane opens the door from the other side. A polite smile on her face. I only return it with a blank look. I hadn't been feeling much of anything lately. I've just been recluse. Keeping myself away from Mr. Phoenix and the other boys. I just couldn't stomach having to keep looking at them being so perfect.
We sit down. Her in the leather seat, she crosses her black clad leg over the other. I sit opposite her in a seat that looks similar.
"How are you, Aaron?"
I shrug.
"Are you taking your medications? Have you had any problems with it."
"Yes. And just a little nausea and tiredness."
"That's definitely a side effect. It'll pass but if not you should call Dr. Yuen. So, I want to do an exercise. Something that'll help me and you understand you better."
She steps out the room and returns with a stack of note cards and a black sharpie. I give her a odd look.
"I want you to write down the first words that come to your mind when you think about yourself. I want to know how you feel. One word per card. Sound easy enough?"
I nod my head as her request rolls around the very darkest corners of my mind. I think nothing about myself. But still in what seems like on its own accord my hand grabs the black sharpie marker and I'm writing down the words I say to myself in my loneliest times.
Stupid
Worthless
Ugly
Whore
Murderer
She tells me to flip them over blank side up after I'm finished. She slides them towards her and mixes them around out their original order until they're haphazardly splayed along the table.
"I want you to flip one and we'll talk," I do what she says.
Ugly.
"Why'd you write that?"
"Because its true."
"Do you really think that?"
"Doesn't practically every teenage girl?"
"This is about you."
I cross my arms over my chest, "No ones ever told me otherwise," I murmur lowly and she casts a sad smile my way.
"What do you see when you look in the mirror?"
"I tend not to do that."
"Why?"
"I don't like what I see."
"And why's that?"
I huff out a breath, "Everyone I've ever encountered has picked out some kind of flaw. Something that just wasn't right," I look to the floor, "Girls would tell me my hair was too short. Too nappy. People decided not to adopt me because I was too dark. I didn't blend in well enough," I feel myself begin to choke up, "Men would call me pretty. Men twice, three times my age sometimes. They'd call me beautiful, gorgeous, all the while doing the most vile things to me. They were fucking liars."
It's silent for a while.
"What do you mean by 'vile things' Aaron?"
I feel myself go rigid, "Don't make me spell it out for you."
"I want you to say it out loud."
I lean back in my seat, "We should move onto the next note card," I suggest, my tone clipped.
"Aaron."
"No."
"Aaron," Jane calls my name again and I feel myself grip the arms of the chair. My fingers dig into the leather.
"I don't feel like continuing."
"The first steps of healing is to talk about what hurt you."
"I don't need to be healed and I don't need to be here."
