I'm Still Standing

31

Rachel

I've felt a lot of pain in my life time. For a while I was numb to it, to me it was just another day passing by. I would wake up and I was sad. Physically I felt fine but mentally I was always tired. Tired of having to go on another day living the way I was living. Feeling the way I felt. I hated going to the store and seeing kids with their dads. Or kids at my school allowed to have sleepovers and make friends. There's a lot of things that hurt me when I was a kid.

But now that I'm older the hurt is a little different. I understand my pain a little bit more. I get how life will never be fair and I can't sit around and wait for things to make sense.

I just never imagined it being this hard, either. The pain in my leg was bad, but compared to the pain in my heart it was very manageable. I didn't have much of a reason to get up off the couch unless I was going to class or to watch Jonny play. Didn't feel like cooking much or going out with friends. Just wanted to lock myself in with Bailey and wait for Jon to be home.

Eventually he comes back from practice and I was laid up on the couch where I've made myself a home. Ever since the accident I've been on his couch trying to heal. I haven't been cooking or gone out or done anything besides watch him play then come home. As soon as Jon comes in the door he walks over to where I was and gives me a kiss. Usually after that he walks away and goes to do whatever the captain of one of the hottest teams in the NHL does. But instead he sits there with his hand on my cheek just staring at me. He doesn't move away from me as he refused to let me go.

"What is it" I question softly.

"I'm... I'm worried about you" he claims.

"Why are you worried" I wonder. I mean it could be a number of things but I wanted to know what he was worried about at this moment.

"You seem..." he trails off.

"Depressed" I ask him.

His eyes fall from mine as he sadly nods his head. "Yeah" he whispers.

I know what he meant, I was feeling it too. And every bit of weakness I had I wanted to hide it from him because this hand absolutely nothing to do with him. The only time I perk up is when he is around so in a way I'm lucky that it's not as bad when he's around. But depression doesn't care who it affects, what it does to people or their relationships. I've fought it for the longest time and I had finally overcome it for a while. And now I feel like I'm right back where I always been.

"I don't know what tell you Jon. I don't want you to think I don't appreciate all you've done for me. If it wasn't for you I'm sure I would be in a place so dark I would never find a way out by now. But you're my light, you can't put on yourself what happened to me. It sucks but you couldn't have stoped or fixed it. You take better care of me than I would ever ask of anyone and you're the reason I even get up every day. I love you so much and you have to know that" I insist.

"I know" he admits. "It's just, I feel helpless. I know nothing I can do will help you and it sucks" he sighs.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. If I could do anything to change the way you feel I would do it, I hope you know that" I assure him.

"This isn't about me baby, this is about you. I can tell you haven't been eating. You haven't been eating because you haven't been cooking. You haven't been cooking because that's the one thing that always makes you happy, and you feel like you can't be happy. And that's not because of your knee, it's deeper than that. I can feel it. I know you haven't talked to your friends or family. You haven't been able to run so you feel like you can't get away from your problems.

And the worst part is I can't do anything about it" he whispers.

"You're more than I deserve" I promise.

He closes his eyes and I could tell that this was as hard for him as it was for me. I could tell that my sadness was effecting him and that's not what I wanted to happen. I know we will get over this eventually but it's not going to be easy. To get to the point where this is all but a awful memory.

I see a tear drop onto his cheek and I feel my heart break. Like when I found out my mom was sick. The worst part was I was the cause of his pain, the cause of my pain. And that's why I've been struggling so much, because no matter what I do I can't fix things and we both know that.

I reach out and pull his head into my chest. He starts to sniffle as I hold his head to my heart. I kiss the top of his head before closing my eyes too. Neither of us say anything as we just hold one another.

After a while he wipes away his tears as he looks up at me. He looked a little better now that he got that out. "Why don't you help me make some dinner" I ask and he smiles.

"I would love that" he admits.

So he helps me to the kitchen and I sit in the chair that we keep at the island. I tell him what ingredients to get out to make some steak and mashed potatoes and fresh vegetables. I cut up the veggies and marinate them while I let him handle the potatoes. I help him through it and he did pretty good considering what happened last time he was in here. Granted all he had to do was cook the potatoes and then mash them, but after he under cooked the one minute rice this is a big step.

After about a hour of cooking and messing around our food was ready. So we make our plates and sit at the dinner table. He had a big smile on his face as he looked at me across the table.

"It was good seeing you in a kitchen again" he admits.

"It was nice to be in the kitchen again. I guess I forgot how much fun it it to be here and create things with my own two hands. In my situation it doesn't feel like you can make much of anything right now, but I guess I could always make something in the kitchen" I admit.

"I think it's best to control what you can. And I know it takes a lot for you to get off the couch and make it over here, but it's obvious you are capable of creating incredible things. Whether it be in life or in the kitchen" he claims.

"If I do it's thanks to you. I couldn't imagine being in this situation without you. And you're not just telling me to get over it or to be strong. You're letting me hurt so I can get better again even though it's hard for you too. I really appreciate you being there for me" I admit

"I love you a lot Rachel. I love you more than I've ever loved anything. And while this hasn't been easy I'm here for the bad times as well as the good ones. I won't give up on you" he promises.