I'm Still Standing

25

Rachel

Today there was a little get together at the United Center to celebrate Jeremys birthday. I, of course, come with a bunch of food and a present for him to celebrate the occasion. I can't remember the last time I celebrated his birthday with him, but I'm sure this one will be one to remember. Once everyone arrives we stand around and talk as I hang out with Tracy and Brandi.

"I can't get over how beautiful you are" Tracy claims as I blush. I did something different with my hair today only because I know that dad is going to want pictures and I don't want to look awful if they end up somewhere again.

"I had a little time for makeup today" I defend. In my defense a lot of my time getting ready is usually spent playing with my dog and that is the best way to waste time.

"It's not the makeup that makes you so pretty, it's just you" she argues.

"Well thank you Tracy, that's very kind of you to say. But I think you make some beautiful kids yourself" I say.

"Oh I don't know" she claims trying to be modest.

"Seriously mom" Brandi asks obviously a little offended. Her arms across her chest as she stares her mom down.

"You know I didn't mean it like that" Tracy defends.

"Does it even matter? You would say anything just to make Rachel happy only because you feel guilty about what happened to her. You wouldn't even care about her if you didn't force dad to tell you the truth" she accuses. I tilt my head to the side trying to figure out if there there was any truth or if she's just upset.

"Brandi you know that's not true. I love you both very much" Tracy argues.

"She wouldn't even be around if she knew what dad did" she claims.

We all stop as we stare at her. I can tell but the look on her face that she wasn't supposed to say that and now she didn't know what to do. "What do you mean" I ask as I impose on their argument.

"I mean, I uh..." Brandi stutters.

"What are you talking about sweetie" Tracy questions.

"This isn't about me" Brandi says starting to get defensive.

"It kinda is" I insist. "You obviously don't like me and I've tried to be nice and give you the benefit of the doubt. I've done nothing wrong to you and I'm trying to be a good sister. I might not be what you want but at least I'm trying" I defend.

"Just... forget I said anything" she pleads.

"No. You said I wouldn't be here if I knew what Jeremy did and if it's that important I want to know" I defend.

"Girls, please" Jeremy pleads as he comes over. He stands between us as he looks at me.

"What is she talking about? And I'm not leaving until you tell me" I announce.

He lets his shoulders fall as his eyes get sad. A long sigh passes his lips as he shuffles in his spot.

"I knew" he whispers.

I look at him weird as we all stand around. The room grows silent as I try to figure out what he's talking about. "You knew what" I question.

"I knew your mother was sick" he claims.

I feel my heart skip a beat as tears instantly come into my eyes. He couldn't even look at me as he stared at the ground. I feel my blood boil as I clench my fists. "You knew that my mom was sick and you didn't do anything" I ask softly.

He just nods his head and I feel a tear hit my cheek. I quickly wipe it away as I shake my head. "No. You couldn't do that to her. You wouldn't do that to her" I insist.

"My agent gave me the messages she left even though I told him not to take messages from you or your mother. He felt that it was important enough that I should know. He didn't tell me that she died but I knew she was sick and I knew it had something to do with her lungs. I wanted to reach out..." he claims.

"But you didn't" I scoff. "You sat by and let my mother die! How could you" I cry.

"If I interfered I would have been found out. I didn't want to risk my family finding out and the media getting involved. I thought that it was curable, I didn't think her illness was that bad" he defends.

"Does that matter" I ask. "At one point in your life you loved this woman. She took care of your kid all by herself to protect you. She defended you every time I said I hated you and never wanted to see you again. You have no idea the amount of times I wanted to out you just so I could see you because you had to, but she wouldn't let me. She defended you until her last breath and you let her die" I whisper.

I feel everyone's eyes on me but all I could see was the sad excuse of a man standing in front of me. "How could you not say anything" Tracy asks him.

"I was trying to protect my family" he says.

"And what about me? Huh" I sniffle. "Was I just not worth it? And what about mom? She did everything she could to be the best mom and dad to me because you couldn't do it" I say.

"There's nothing I can say to make this better" he insists. "I messed up, really bad and I can't take it back. If I had the chance I would help her get better, I would have been by her side and made sure you were okay."

"The bottom line is that you weren't there. You were never there" I say.

"I'm so sorry Rachel" he whimpers. He finally looks up to me as his tears hit his face. I don't doubt he feels bad but his guilt won't bring my mom back. Nothing he does can.

"You want to know the worst part of all of this is? As she laid there dying right next to me she made me promise to forgive you for never being what you said you would be even though I didn't want to. I wanted to hate you for not being there with us in those hard times helping us fight. She died still believing that you're a good man who just wasn't thinking straight.

But she was wrong about you. You're a heartless man who lies and takes the easy way out. You couldn't even send a get well soon card or check up on her" I scream.

"I didn't know it was that bad" he tries.

"How would you? You wouldn't talk to us, give us a chance to explain what happened. You could have helped us find a new pair of lungs or donated blood or something, anything. But instead you told yourself that it was more important to save your own ass than help my mother" I argue.

"I..." he starts but never finishes. He couldn't finish because there was nothing left to say. He lied, he let my mom die, he left me alone and scared and thinking that he deserves my forgiveness.

"I tried to forgive you Jeremy, I really did. I wanted you back in my life and I wanted to know a life with a father. But I can't look past this, not now at least. I'm glad you were a good father to Brett and Brandi and a good husband to Tracy. But to me... to me you're nothing" I whisper.

I grab my purse and sling it over my shoulder before brushing past everyone and straight out the door. I head to my car before someone calls my name. I knew it was Jonathan so I stop. He reaches me as he pulls me into him.

"Where are you going" he asks.

"I don't.. I don't know. Away from here" I insist.

"Let me come with you" he begs

"I need some time alone to think and process. You need to know that I love you and I appreciate you wanting to be here with me, but I need to do this on my own" I insist.

"Alright" he sighs. "I don't like it but I respect your decision. Just let me know you're alright and if you need anything I'm here for you" he promises.

He presses a kiss on my cheek before walking away. I slide into my car before closing the door behind me. I feel a warm tear hit my cheek and I let it stay there.

This was going to be hard.