I'm Still Standing

1

Rachel

Hope is a powerful thing. Even though you can't see it, can't touch it, you can feel it. Just like love, you can feel it. You know it's there because you start to believe, you start to think that maybe, just maybe things will turn out okay. And it's a feeling like no other, like no matter how dark things seem there's still a light out there. A light that shines through the pitch black that surrounds you to remind us that there is still a chance to be better than we are. There's still a chance that there's more out there than we know.

Hope can also hurt us. For hope leads us to believe anything is possible. That there's still a chance that change can happen. But a lot of the time things won't change, for there's only so much we can control. We hope for a lot of things and very few of them actually come true.

But we still hold on to that hope, even when we feel like all hope is gone. It's still there even when the possibilities whither away. Because hope is one of the strongest things out there, it's in every one of us no matter how pessimistic we are. We all hope for something deep down.

For me, I hoped for peace. And not world peace, I'm sorry but the human race doesn't deserve that. But I hope for peace within my self and my past. Peace between my family, my past, my future. And the thing about hope is that it can't change what has happened, nothing can. That's where hope is lost for me, even though it shouldn't be.

My name is Rachel Rae Roenick, first born daughter of the great Jeremy Roenick. Not a lot of people know about me because to most people I don't even exist. My dad had me when he was just 19, a short 9 months since he first came to Chicago. It all happened so fast, my parents fell in love then fell out of love before they could say "condom" and nine months later I appeared.

Now my father knew who I was, I lived in Chicago so he could help take care of me. Or at least that's why he told mom and I to stay. It wasn't made public but he would take me to some games and he and my mom got along well. He helped pay for stuff for me and gave me the basic needs. For a while it was nice but it was obvious he had plans for the future and we weren't a part of them. He wasn't awful father, just wasn't a awfully good one either. He drank a lot, made a few mistakes, including me. But he always gave me hope, hope that my happiness was out there if I could just go and get it.

But I'm 20 now and I can make my own choices. Like if I want to go see my father I will, for I'm not ashamed of him anymore. I'm not ashamed of myself either. A lot has happened since he left us without so much as a goodbye and it made me stronger, mostly because being strong was my only choice. I don't care if he doesn't want the world to know that he had a kid his first season in the NHL. I don't care if he didn't plan on having me. I'm still here whether he wants to admit it or not.

I'm still standing.

I walk up to the United Center on this chilly November afternoon. My father was here being recognized by the Chicago Blackhawks after he announced that he was going to retire earlier this year. And I know he was here, it was all over the news. I was hoping that I could just see him, that he would care enough to see how I've been after all this time.

I get inside and start to look around. I haven't been here since it was the Chicago Stadium. So it's been a while. I hold my ticket in my hand as I go to where he was signing autographs. I wait in line like everyone else trying to think about what to say to him. He had a wife and kids outside of the family I knew. As far as I know his family didn't know about me either. I was kind of a myth. A forgotten piece of his history. But I was ready to be found whether he liked it or not.

It finally comes my turn and I step up to the table. I set down a mini helmet he already signed for me when I was little and wait to see if he remembered it or not.

"This is cute! Who am I making this out to" he asks not even looking up at me.

"Your first born daughter" I say.

He stops in his tracks as he looks up at me. His eyes get huge as he looks me over. We haven't seen each other since he got traded to Philadelphia in 2001, that was eight years ago and a lot has changed since then. I'm not that 12 year old girl he used to know. I was an adult and I was ready to find myself, starting with him.

"Rachel..." he gasps as he stands up out of his seat. He looked like he saw a ghost as he looks me up and down. He walks around the table until he was in front of me. I stare into his big hazel eyes as he stares back into mine.

"Jeremy" I say softly.

I can see a tear in his eye as he shakes his head. He was pretty shocked as I could pretty much see his heart beating out of his chest. "You've grown so much" he whispers.

"Time will do that to you" I reply.

"Excuse me Mr. Roenick" a worker says, "but there's still a line and we have a lot of people to get through before the game" the man explains.

"Right" my dad sighs. "I'm going to have you go to the boxes and I'll meet you there and we can talk" he assures me.

Wouldn't be the first time I took a back seat to hockey when it came to him. I'm honestly used to it. "Okay" I nod as the worker whisks me away.

So I follow the man until we get in the boxes. Once I was up there I look around trying to find some sort of peace. But I didn't know what to do, what to expect.

I stand in the corner by myself as I let out a long sigh. I've been waiting 8 years to be able to do this and now that I'm here I don't know what to say. What to do. This man has a wife and kids, a whole life without me in it. And I don't know what I was expecting, but with my life the way it is right now this couldn't make my life any harder.

I look up from the floor I was staring at and see a man in a nice suit eyeing me from across the room. I could feel someone looking at me but I didn't know who the eyes belonged to until now. He was a tall man with a black suit on and his hair nicely styled. The deepest brown eyes you could ever find sat on his face trying to figure out who I was. His shoulders broad and jaw line chiseled. He was defiantly a player and I couldn't figure out which one until he got closer.

He starts to walk over and I swallow hard. I didn't know what to say to my dad and I certainly didn't know what to say to this man. He looked like he just stepped off of a runway and was heading right towards me.

The man comes up to me and tries his best to give me a comforting smile, but I was still nervous. This whole plan was kind of a last second impulse thing and I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. Plus he was super handsome which was super intimidating.

"Hey there, I don't think I've seen you up here before... I would have remembered a face like yours" he starts and I start to blush. Certainly wasn't expected to be swept off my feet today. But I felt like I was flying.

"Oh, well I'm family of Jeremy Roenick so it's been a while since I've been around here" I explain. Not entirely a lie.

"That's awesome! I heard he was going to be up here later which is pretty cool. I loved watching him play growing up" he claims.

His big brown eyes stay locked on me as he gets closer. I've never seen so much intensity in a pair of eyes but for some reason it was comforting to me. I wasn't sure what was happening but it was nice to have someone to talk to. "You're jonathan Toews, right" I ask.

He smiles as he nods his head. "That's me! And can I get your name" he asks.

"Why do you want my name" I wonder.

"Oh" he stops as he stumbles over his words a little. I don't know why I asked it like that, but I did and he seemed just as confused. "I don't know. You're new around here and I figured I could get your name, see where that leads us" he suggests.

I smile up at him as I see a blush on his face appear. "I'm not sure I'll be around that often" I insist. If this goes south with my dad I'm not even going to stay in Chicago.

"Well Jeremy is going to help us out this season so I was kinda hoping you'd be around too" he smirks.

I try to hide my smile but it easily breaks through. "In that case, my name is Rachel" I say.

"It is a pleasure to meet you Rachel. I really hope I can see you again" he says.

Maybe this idea to come here today wasn't all bad.