I'm Still Standing

12

Jonathan

Although I'm just 21 years old, I'm no stranger to the adversity I have to play through in this game. Even though it might not seem like a big deal to most people, it looks like it's just a bad game, it can feel like the end of the world sometimes.

For me I take the bad games personally. I know I'm not supposed to let these games take over me but I can't ever seem to stop it from getting me down. When they gave me the captaincy there was a lot that comes with it. I'm responsible for making sure the guys are being accountable for their play and that I hold myself to a higher standard. A lot of what I do reflects on this team and I want to be the best for them just as they want to be their best for me. As the captain I'm supposed to be on the top of my game and I don't even know if I could play on a U18 team right now.

Since coming back from this concussion that took me out for a while it's been hard for me to play the way I wanted to. I'm not supposed to play this game with restraints, but all I have to do is get hit in the head and everything kinda falls apart. Hockey is a game where you can't lose focus for a second because there will be consequences one way or another. I can get hurt again, I can cause a turnover in the defensive zone, I could cause someone else to get hurt. This mind frame of holding back because I'm afraid to get injured hurts my game and hurts the teams ability to play the way we want to.

And for some reason, tonight, I was all sorts of flustered. I couldn't catch a pass of my life depended on it. I didn't have any shots on goal and I was a minus three. It was just awful.

So I answer the post game questions I'm obligated to answer and try to sound like a leader even though I was feeling pretty lost. But I get through them with my teeth clenched and hop in the showers. I usually say hi to Rachel in the boxes or say goodbye to the workers here but instead I just leave without a word. I'm not sure anyone wanted to see me like this anyway. I didn't want to say something I couldn't take back so I figured I shouldn't say anything at all.

I drive home with the radio off and left the sadness consume me. My mind empty as I try to figure out what I can do to fix is but I don't even know where to start. I had this feeling in my chest as I sit in the drivers side watching this traffic at a stand still. I just wanted to get home and go to bed.

I see my phone light up in the cup holder before letting out a long sigh. I see a text from Rachel and I decide to read it since I was stuck in traffic anyway.

Hey babe! Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. Text me when you get home safely.

I toss my phone to the side before resting my head on the steering wheel as I swallow the scream threatening to get out. I don't want to pull her into this. She had problems of her own, I don't want to be a problem too. But at the same time she's the one thing I wanted right now that could make me feel better. I just couldn't forgive myself if I took that smile off her face.

I finally make it home and text her that I made it in safely and not to worry about me. These are my problems and I have to figure it out for myself. So I make myself a glass of water before falling onto the couch. I watch some game tape from earlier in my season. I was so powerful, I was a force. I didn't run from hits, I leaned my shoulder in and hit them right back. But now I can't seem to stay in the game, too afraid to get hurt and therefore it makes me less powerful out there.

In the middle of the game I'm watching I hear a knock on the door and I look at it confused. I wasn't expecting anyone and wasn't in the mood to see anyone either.

But I still get up and answer the door. I look through the peep hole and see Rachel standing there with something in her hands. So I open the door and see her standing there. Her smile makes me smile as she just beams up at me. "Hi Jonny" she starts.

"Hey baby, what's up" I wonder as I lean against the door frame to keep it open.

"I know you were feeling a bit off and I wanted to bring you some cake doughnut bread pudding. Sounds pretty complicated but it's simply delicious. Whenever I was sad and my mom couldn't get me to smile she made me this and I always felt better. Although I put a lot more rum in yours than she did mine, in her defense I wasn't 21 when she gave it to me" she admits making me laugh.

"You didn't have to do that" I insist.

"I know" she shrugs, "I just... I could tell you were frustrated. Call my crazy but I felt it too. I watched my dad On his off days and I know that it can be pretty hard. So I wanted to check on you and bring you some cake" she explains.

"Well that's very sweet of you, thank you" I smile. It was pretty nice that she did this for me, I've never had someone not related to me care so much.

"If you want I can leave this with you and let you be by yourself" she claims.

"No" I reply way too quickly. "I've spent plenty of time by myself and I don't think I was getting anywhere like that. I would love to have your company" I assure her.

She comes over and gives me a kiss before letting herself in. I close the door behind her and follow her into the kitchen. She grabs two forks before handing me one. We dig into her little dessert and I was almost certain this is the best thing I have ever tasted. "Holy shit" I moan as she giggles. "I'm so serious, we need to get you a restaurant soon" I insist.

"I wouldn't even know what to do with myself. There's so much food I want to share with the world. It couldn't be Italian or Thai or European or anything like that. It would be like... like Epcot at Disney world" she explains.

"Well it's your restaurant, make it whatever you want. This can be your thing and you can serve whatever you like. Make a different menu every few months. You're not like everyone else so your restaurant shouldn't be either" I shrug.

She just smiles at me as she sets the fork down. "I came over here to help you with your problems not mine" she insists.

"Helping you helps me" I claim.

"I think it distracts you from working on yourself" she accuses.

"You're right" I smirk. "But I do feel better after talking to you and eating what I can only imagine is a bunch of things bad for my body" I shake my head.

"It's good for your heart" she claims.

"My body doesn't like gluten" I tell her.

"Well... That would have been nice to know beforehand. But I will make a note of that" she promises. 

"I think I'm just going to hire you as my personal chef" I claim.

"Then you're going to have to buy pots and pans and ingredients" she tells me.

"Done. Tell me what I need and I'll get it" I assure her.

We eat her entire pan of food and I didn't feel the least bit bad about it. Sadly for me Rachel has to go back to take care of Bailey because she doesn't do so good when Rachel isn't around. In my defense neither do I.

"Thank you again for checking up on me and not letting me self destruct. I've never had someone around here who cared so much. Being the captain people just assumed I was doing good. But I wasn't, I needed someone. Thanks for being that someone" I say.

"Hey, you're here for me and my problems and I'm here for you and yours. I don't know a lot about relationships but I know that when you care you find a way to help with the hard times" she says.

I pull her into a soft kiss then it becomes not so soft. I find it hard to tell her goodbye, right after I found everything I ever wanted in her.