I'm Still Standing

26

Rachel

When my mom got sick I was so scared. I had one thing in my life that I couldn't live without and it was her and I was losing her, watching her slowly slip through my fingers. I felt it. I saw it. I knew from looking at her that whatever was going on was going to be what ends her. She tried like hell to stay with me and I held on for as long as I couldn't but it wasn't enough.

As time got closer to when she passed she spoke more of my father. Never when people were around, just when it was her and I. And she whole heartedly believed that if he knew what was happening to us he would help. That if she could get through to him he would be there for us. She wouldn't have believed that he left her to die.

But he did... we tried multiple times to reach out to him but he never answered. Not so much as a get well soon card. He carried on in his life knowing that my mom was sick and believing that he has nothing to hide.

Knowing that he knew, it hurt. It hurt in ways that words could not possibly explain. I thought that I had gotten through the hard part with him and that all was forgiven. But I cannot call that man my father knowing what he did. Blood or not he is a awful human being who has had a million chances to make things right, but it's too late now.

I sit in my bed with my dog cuddled up on my lap. My phone continues to go off as people tried to reach me but I didn't feel like trying to explain what I felt. I haven't left my house or talked to anyone in three days and I still didn't feel like talking to anyone. I kinda liked it better when no one knew I existed, they left me alone to suffer in silence. But things are more complicated and I can't just hide from the world like I used to. There was a lot of people I know at that party who knew me too and wanted to make sure I was okay.

But I wasn't, I wasn't even close to being okay. I felt betrayed by my own father. And who knows, maybe he couldn't have done anything to save her. Maybe my mom passing away was inevitable and even with new lungs she would have left us. But it's the not knowing what could have happened that kills me. It's knowing that maybe she could still be here and I wouldn't be so broken is what kills me. He had so many chances to just see her, to tell her that she mattered to him even if it's not in the way he once felt. But I can see in his eyes that he still cared about her and he feels guilty she passed without him knowing.

In the end nothing changes. I'm still here by myself crying because the one person I wanted the most was gone. I'll never see her again and I'm stuck with the man who let her die.

I hear a knock on my door and I let out a sigh. There's only a few people this could be and a good majority of them I was fine with never seeing again. I try to ignore it but the knocking continues until I get out of bed. I look through the peep hole and see Jon standing there. I figured I should answer so someone doesn't file a missing persons report.

"Have you lost your mind" he asks as I open the door. He lets himself in and I let the door close behind him.

"Sure, come in" I mumble.

"I have been worried sick about you and you couldn't even tell me if you were safe or not? I've called and texted and your phone has been off. I showed up here yesterday and you never answered.

I know you're hurting and I know you want to be alone but I need to know that you're okay" he insists.

"But I'm not" I remind him.

He lets out a flustered sigh as he turns to me. "I mean that you're not doing something that would cause me to lose the best thing I ever known" he claims.

"I'm still here" I assure him.

"And that's a start" he admits. "But I'm not leaving here until you feel better."

"The only thing I want is my mom" I sniffle.

"I know baby, come here" he insists as he opens his arms.

I walk into them and his cologne immediately made me feel a lot better. I close my eyes as I squeeze him so tight that I couldn't let go if I wanted to. The sadness in my heart melts away as I stay in his embrace. I hated that he made me feel this good but at the same time I never wanted to leave his arms.

"I'm so sorry" he whispers as he runs his fingers through my hair. I was so tired of crying but I just couldn't stop.

"I miss her so much" I whimper.

"Look at it this way. She left the best thing to remember her by right here" he claims.

"And what's that" I wonder.

"It's you Rach" he claims. "You're the best representation of your mother and you have the power to show everyone how great she was since she never had the chance to show them herself. You can tell them all the great stories and share the great food she made. Let them know that even though she's gone she will never be forgotten" he explains.

"I just want to talk to her one last time" I admit.

"What would you say" he wonders.

"I would tell her that I love her and that I can make it without her but I don't want to" I sniffle.

"I think she knew that. I think she looked at you like I look at you, knowing that you've been hurt but you still want to love. Want to be loved. And she did everything for you to be able to walk this life without her. So do it" he says.

He wipes the tears out from under my eyes as I look up at him. He looked so worried and I hate that he looked so sad because of me. But I couldn't imagine what I looked like right now. I haven't left in a while and I didn't really want him seeing me like this.

"What do you say we go out to eat" he wonders.

"I think I could do that" I admit.

So I shower and change and we go out. I didn't want to leave but I needed to in the worst ways. We end up in a cafe a lot like the one we were in when we first hung out. He reaches across the table to grab my hand and squeeze it.

"You know I love you, right" Jon asks and I smile.

"Yeah, I know."