I'm Still Standing

39

Rachel

After having to wait a few days I find out that I passed all my tests and was set to graduate next week. I'm not going to lie, there was a few times I didn't think I would get there. I'm a hard worker and I love to cook but college is hard. I took some extra classes to further myself individually and as a cook and it was hard at times. Especially with my mom being sick and juggling doctors visits and school. But in the end I will graduate and that's what makes it all worth while.

And as I move on from college the Blackhawks move on from Vancouver. They are set to face the San Jose Sharks in the western confrence finals to fight for a spot in the Stanley cup final. The guys were confident that they could make it all the way this year, their defense was great and their offense was firing on all cylinders. Jonathan was having a great post season himself, he was breaking records and making a name and I couldn't be more proud. I see every day how hard he works at being a good athlete and leader. I know he puts so much pressure on himself to be considered great and he is because of it. But he's still just a man, just a very attractive and very successful man.

As for today I get to relax for once in my life. No school or physical therapy. My knee was looking better each day and I'm waiting for the word so I can run again. That's all I wanted right now really. But until then and while Jonny is doing some promo for the next series I was going to take our dogs on a walk. Or a pull as my German Shepard babies think it is.

Eventually I find a place to let them run free and they do. They find a few other dogs and I let them play. They were pretty good with not being aggressive and knowing that when I call they have to come back. But for now they're free to stretch their legs and chase all the neighborhood squirrels.

"Rachel" a familiar voice says and I freeze. I know that voice because I wanted nothing more than to hear it for the first 20 years of my life. But for the last two it was the last one I wanted to ever hear again.

I turn around and see my dad standing there. He was alone in a nice suit just walking by himself. I don't think anyone recognized him or there would have been a scene made by now. Instead he just stood there staring at me.

"Jeremy" I whisper.

"Can we talk" he begs.

I've talked to his whole family since the whole ordeal. Brandi was one of my better friends now and I was helping her look into colleges, make something if I her life. I've gone to Bretts games with Tracy and cheered him on. I've talked to Tracy about how I should start up my own business and what to look for.

The only person I have made no contact with was him. And I made sure he couldn't find me, I blocked his number and avoided him every chance I got. But I was still hurting because until I can forgive him I am always going to feel the pain he caused. I can't move on if I don't talk to him so now I had no choice.

I scoot over on the bench so there's enough room for him to sit down. He sits down next to me and I can see in his eyes that this was hard for him. Neither of us were expecting to see each other today but it had to mean something that we ran into each other.

"You know, when you first showed up all those months ago I was completely shocked. I was scared because I hadn't forgotten about you but I thought you had forgot about me. I thought you hated me and never wanted to see me again. Why would you? I wasn't there when you needed me. I hid you away like you were some type of embarrassment, a disgrace.

But then you bought a ticket to come see me. You didn't give me the chance to tell myself that you were better off without me. You told me that you didn't need me but you wanted me and that hurt more than you know. To see you all grown up, so beautiful, so independent and know that I had nothing to do with that. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did. And I'm so happy that you did it.

I was hoping the second time I completely messed up that it would be the same, that you would come back to me. But I saw just how bad my actions hurt you. Tracy was mad at me because you wouldn't talk to her either. Brandi was mad at me because I put her in that situation. I was mad at me because I wanted to tell you so many times how I almost came to help you and your mom.

But you and I both know we don't get points for almost. Not in sports and not in life. I just... I finally had a chance to be the man I was supposed to be. I finally felt like my life was complete with you in it again and I lost you" he trails off.

I see the tears in his eyes as he pours his heart out. I know this was hard for him and me and everyone else. No one meant for me to get hurt but every action has a consequence and I ended up on the bad side of them all. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just meant to be hurt. Or maybe I'm meant to be strong enough to move on.

"I don't want to hate you" I start. "All my life I wanted your love and I finally had it. But it wasn't enough to over look the fact that you sat by while my mother died in front of me. And I was alone because you weren't there and because of you no one else was allowed to be there. I had to walk out of that hospital without my mother for the first time in my life and I had never felt so low before. I didn't want to make it home because I didn't see the point. You took everything from me and you took her too" I whimper.

I wipe a tear away as I try to calm myself. But thinking about it made me so upset. "I know I messed up. I know there's nothing I can do now to fix things. I just don't want you to be alone anymore" he says.

"I'm not alone. I have a boyfriend who loves me so much. And I don't get it, what he sees in me. It's what I was trying to get you to see all those years but you never looked at me. But he hasn't looked away since we first met and it makes me feel so important. It makes me feel loved. He's not perfect, but he's not trying to be. He just wants to be a part of my life and a big part of it.

That's all I ever wanted from you" I whisper.

"I'm sorry" he says softly. "I'm sorry that you got stuck with me as a dad. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me and when you didn't. I'm sorry I didn't step up and be a man when I had the choice. I told myself your mom would be fine to ease my own conscious. I don't know if I really believed the shit I told myself but I felt like I had to.

But I was wrong. Like so many times before then I was wrong. I should have been there for you. I should have told my family about you guys. I should have done the opposite of everything that I did but I didn't. I wish like hell I could change the past, I would have stayed around. You would have been the biggest part of my life and you would have had the life you deserve" he explains.

"I'm going to have the life I deserve. Eventually. I'm still picking up the pieces but when I'm done I just know that whatever I make out of my life, it's going to be great in spite of what you put me through.

But I can't imagine my life without you" I say.

He looks up at me and a smile fights it's way one to his face. "Really" he wonders.

"Yeah. I might be upset with you but you're still my father and you're still here. I can't take that for granted" I insist.

"I promise you there's no more secrets and no more holding back. If there's anything you want to ask, ask it" he says.

"Do you miss her" I wonder and he stops.

"You mean your mom" he wonders and I nod my head. "Yeah, I do. I see a lot of her in you though. Your fiery passion and your cooking for sure. It's nice to know she won't be totally gone because she lives on through you" he admits.

I let out a long sigh as I smile to myself. That just might be the nicest thing he's ever said.