I'm Still Standing

2

Rachel

As I sit up in the boxes by myself I have time to think. Think about how I got here, more importantly how I'm going to get out of here. I got what I wanted, I saw my dad and he did recognize me for the most part. I didn't even want anything from him, just to know he knows I still exist. That maybe I was wrong and he wasn't such a bad guy after all. But I wasn't so sure I can change my mind about him, not after all that's happened.

Eventually Jonathan had to go watch the game and I wanted some time alone to think. So he gets my number and I sit to myself as I twiddle my thumbs. I've been on my own for a few months now and I still don't know how to handle myself. Sure I'm 20, I should be able to figure things out. But if you spent your whole life hiding as I did it's hard to find yourself out here.

"Rachel" that familiar voice says and I look up. I see my dad standing over me with a somber look on his face. "Can we talk, please" he begs.

"Yeah" I assure him.

I follow him around until we end up in a conference room. There was a couch up against the wall he sits down at and I sit next to him. We don't say anything as we just look at each other. He's older than I remembered, but still had those sad eyes when he looked at me. Like he wanted to give me the world but he knew that he wouldn't.

"I'm glad you found me" he starts and I let out a sharp scoff. The kind of scoff that comes out when you know someone is bull shitting you.

"And why is that" I wonder. Because he didn't find any excuse to come find me after all.

"I've been thinking about you a lot lately, I wanted to know how you were doing" he claims.

"You have my number. Even though you change your number you keep your contacts" I remind him as his head falls. He knows he messed up but he wasn't expecting having to face his problems today. But I'm here. "I still live at the same place I was in when you left and I try to reach out to you all the time. I've tried tirelessly to find you, to talk to you and you've been meeting my effort in the opposite way. So you can see why I find it hard to believe that you're happy I found you" I claim.

"I didn't know it would make me happy to see you until I saw you today" he admits. "You're so beautiful, just like you're mother" he says. I smile to myself as I think about my mom. "How is she anyway" he wonders.

"She actually passed away earlier this year. We tried to get ahold of you when she got sick, a bunch of times, but your agent wouldn't let us through. Said that you told him not to take any messages from us" I say.

He freezes in his spot as a tear comes to his eyes. He looked like he was turned to stone. "Listen, Jeremy. I know I was a mistake. I know you aren't upset that I'm here but you didn't plan for it to happen either. But I'm still here and I don't have anyone in my life anymore. Because of you I couldn't have anything and now that mom is gone and I have nothing. You didn't call or send cards on holidays, couldn't even speak my name to your friends and family. Because of you I lived my life thinking I would never be good enough in your eyes, that I could have done anything and you would have always been ashamed of me. Never would have claimed me, do you know what thinking like that does to a kid? Do you know how much it sucks to see your face everywhere and feel like you just gave up on me?

You might of moved on but my mom still loved you even if you stopped loving her. She never had another kid, another man, it was just her and I. You kept on playing the game of hockey and the game of life and you left us in a small apartment in Chicago. And now she's gone and I had to spend $100 just to talk to my own father" I explain.

"I'll give you the money back" he promises.

"It's not about the money. It's about the fact that you had a daughter and you couldn't tell people that. You couldn't own up to your mistake" I accuse.

"You're not a mistake Rach, you're a gift" he claims.

"To who? Mom is gone, you act like I don't exist and besides my dog there's no one else here who cares about me. Not even myself" I explain.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, I never wanted that to happen" he defends.

"You didn't want to help either" I remind him.

"I was scared of what my wife would say, what my kids will think of me. If this city knew I screwed around as 18 year old rookie out on his own for the first time and got someone pregnant within a month of being here it could have ruined my whole career. I lived my life in the eye of the public and I didn't want my problems to be yours" he explains.

"Instead I got problems of my own and some serious daddy issues" I say.

"How can I make it up to you" he asks. "Name anything, I'll do it."

"I just want my dad in my life, that's all. And I wish I could hate you for never being there, for never holding me while I cried, for letting my mom suffer in the way she did, but I still want you" I whisper.

"What happened to her" he asks sadly. I could tell that news hurt him, even if he wouldn't show it.

"She succumbed to a rare lung disease. She fought hard for two years but we couldn't get her new lungs in time. If I could I would give her mine" I sniffle.

"I'm so sorry. Your mom was a wonderful woman" he admits.

"She was. She was the only reason I had hope in this world. She never let me think I wasn't good enough to be here. Never told me I was a accident. She made me feel so loved" I say.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you guys. Especially when you needed me" he explains.

"I appreciate the apology, but that doesn't change anything and it doesn't bring mom back" I argue.

"Listen, I'm in Chicago for this season working with the Blackhawks for a little as a part of the organization. Doing some commentating and events for them. How about we get to know each other and even though our past was troublesome maybe there's a bright future" he insists.

I just look into his eyes because I don't think he's thought this through. "You realize you would have to tell people about me, right" I remind him.

He lets out a long sigh as he runs his fingers through his hair. "Yeah. I'm hoping to start with my family and go from there" he says.

"Really" I ask.

"Yeah. I promise you I'm going to try my best to make this right for you. What I did was wrong, and I thought about you every day even if I had nothing to show for it. And I want to make it right" he says.

"Okay" I sigh. "I think I can do that" I nod.

"Good" he smiles.

He pulls me into a hug and I hug him back. I close my eyes as I pray that this was a good thing.

"Can I ask you something" I wonder as we break apart.

"Of course" he assures me.

"What can you tell me about Jonathan Toews" I ask and he smiles.

"He's a good kid, a better man than I'll ever be. They gave him captaincy after a year here and it was the right thing to do, he's going to carry this organization into some good times. He might not show up on the score sheet every night but he shows up on the ice and in the locker room where it matters most. He's out with a concussion right now but his heads in the right place. Everything your old man should have been, that's him" he tells me.

I smile to myself as I think about how he looked at me, what he said to me. Maybe I liked him because he is what I wished my dad would have been. But maybe, just maybe, it's more than that.