Steven Universe fic

part 16 Chapter three: Revelation

Steven stared at her, what did she mean? She didn't want to need him? But she did, and it was okay, and he liked that- he liked caring about her. He liked being needed, be able to comfort her. 
Did she not?

"Spinel, it's okay to need-"

"No, you don't understand." The gem cut him off, the irritation of her voice nearly silenced by her own self loathing and embarrassment. "I don't want to need you to make things better, I don't like....the way it feels."

She turned away from his gaze, knowing he likely couldn't ever comprehend how her guilt plagued her.

"I keep upsetting you, and I keep hurting you or hurting me and I know- I know it's wrong." Spinel's words cracked in her throat, barely becoming audible as she tried to explain. "I know it's wrong and I keep trying to not think bad. But I don't know how to make it stop."

Her admission made Steven second guess himself, did she truly not know how to stop? All this- all her suffering and she just didn't know.
He calmed his quick breaths, inching closer to the understanding she so desperately wanted from him.

"And- and you help." She softly whispered, drawing him closer, he leaned in, wanting to hold her, wanting to tell her that he would be happy, always to help. But she rejected the advance, bending away from him sullenly. "You're the only thing that helps- and I don't want that."

Spinel finally pulled her hands from his grasp, cupping her face softly, preparing herself to speak.

"I want you to be happy..proud," she laughed, somewhat, through her tears, "heheh, it's funny- cause I came in here to pretend you never left"

Her smile fell and she sucked in a small rickety gasp.

"And it still didn't work."

Her hands wrapped themselves around her arms tightly, just enough to where she wouldn't concern him, and she turned back, still chuckling through her gentle weeps.

"Why didn't it work?" She paused, her eyes flicking down to her gem. "Is it me? Am I just that broken? Why can't I just stop hurting everyone?"

Steven shook his head, trying to still her before her thoughts turned too dark.

"Spinel, I'm sorry I've been putting so much pressure on you-"

"You're not though!" She cried, tightening her grip on her arms, beginning to dig her fingers into her skin. "I'm doing it- I'm making me feel bad for not being good enough, I'm making me hurt myself, and then I feel bad for doing it, and then I hate me even more, and I don't know how to stop it!"

She quieted for a moment, loosening her grip and lowering her head so Steven couldn't see the tears in her eyes.

"I know it's stupid." She whimpered softly. It was, all of this, all the things she did and tried to do to make things better, it was all stupid, and despite its stupidity she couldn't change it, it was like..everything was mismatched, and no matter how much she told herself that her thoughts didn't make sense, that it simply and obviously wasn't true, she still somehow managed to turn it into a reason to hate herself even more.

Steven's affection didn't help either, it only made it worse.

"It's not stupid, Spinel." Steven's voice pulled her from her rancid thoughts, he held her chin in his hand and pulled her to face him.

"What you feel isn't stupid." He grappled for words, she was right in one sense, even though she could rationalize against herself, rationalizing and believing it were two different things, and he needed to chose his words incredibly carefully.

"I can't make you believe that you're important, or that we want you." He watched as her eyes drifted to the floor, a small dejected sigh escaping her lips. She didn't take his words lightly. "I can't make you love you, Spinel."

The gem seemed to melt in desperation at his words, for a moment he thought he had ruined all her hope, but he couldn't let her fall into that pit again.

"I love you, and I want nothing more than for you to love yourself..so this," he gently rubbed a bruise on her cheek. "That doesn't make me love you any less. Nothing you do could ever make me love you less."

Spinel's eyes opened and she ever so slightly lifted her head, peering up at him. His gentle smile, the compassion in his eyes, the light reflecting on the tear stains of his cheeks. The way he held her, the way his fingers drifted across her face. It was love. For her.
She was special. And she made herself believe it.
In that small moment, nothing else mattered, she was special and she was important and she would never, ever let herself forget that.

"I...can love me too." She whispered, reaching to grab his hand. She moved closer, resting her head on his chest and allowing his arms to wrap around her, to provide the comfort she so desperately longed for. She loved him, she could love him with all her being and if she could love him, she could love herself.
She had to try.