Steven Universe fic

part 16 Chapter Two: Square One

"I will try to convince Yellow, Steven, but my pearl will keep contact with you." Blue said softly as the troup of gems stepped down from her ship. The boy nodded distractedly, he was far more interested in flipping into his bed and taking a much needed nap, her ship didn't exactly have the same comforts.

"We will wait for you to tell us when to go out." He replied with a yawn before leaving the Diamond to return to her kindergarten.
The mass exodus had gone well enough, and if he and Blue could secretly infiltrate White Diamond's kindergarten and manage to convince her to stop, things could go back to normal.
That was all really wanted.

Steven made his way up the porch and into his home, nodding feeble greetings to Lapis, Peridot, and Bismuth before climbing the stairs to his room. He let himself fall into his bed, sinking into the softness of the mattress and immediately dosing off.

It was a longer nap than he intended, it was well after dark when he woke, and his stomach yearned for something other than the granola bars he had stashed for the trip. The boy crawled out of bed and made his way down to the kitchen, sifting through the fridge for some late night cereal. Steven glanced at the couch, expecting to see Spinel sound asleep, but the gem wasn't there.
Matter of fact, he hadn't seen her at all when he first returned. None of the gems made any mention of it, and he was far too exhausted to even notice. It wasn't like her to hide. Well, he knew that was a lie.

Spinel had a great tendency to hide herself when she was panicked, she would make it a point not to be seen during those moments, he could gather why, the gem would become erratic, violent towards herself.
Though, he couldn't grasp why, he knew it had something to do with her self esteem. He had caught her, on a number of occasions ripping out her hair or hitting herself, at one point she was prone to eating anything and everything she considered food only to puke it up later and pretend nothing had changed.

It was a vicious cycle. Everytime he would try to talk about it she immediately closed herself off, would become small and shivering and silent, and he could tell her over and over again not to hurt others, she could do that much at least.
But the amount of times he had begged her to stop, it never really changed anything. Just they way in which she found to harm herself.

Steven took a bite of his cereal, solemnly recalling the last few incidents, hoping that this wasn't another case. She had been doing really well, she told him she could stay, and she had Lapis, and Bismuth, and Peridot to help her.

But she also lied. When he first tried to help her get through her abandonment,  she smiled and said she would be fine, and then he found her several days later trying to twist herself tight enough that she'd poof from the sheer force of the tension.

That was almost a year ago though, surely she had gotten better about being alone. Still, he had to check. Just to make sure.

Steven got up, and set his bowl in the sink, before moving to the door to the infinity room, hoping she would be inside. He couldn't exactly get to it from the doorway though, Peridot reprogrammed so it only opened for her, so Steven would have to get to the bubble room and climb his way up to the room.

He vaulted from the floor, traveling as high as he could until he reached the pillowy ceiling that opened up on impact.

However, despite all he expected, he wasn't prepared to see Spinel as she was.

The pink gemstone sat on the floor, untouched by the darkness of the room, Steven picked it up, inspecting it in his hands until the soft whisper of Spinel's voice reached his ears.

He looked up, the gem stood upended, entangled in her own limbs as she gripped and poked and stabbed and pulled at herself, she didn't seem to cry though, but she did look up.

"St-Steven.." she breathed, as her hands snapped away from herself in shock. She was visibly bruised and battered, but she didn't even seem to care, her eyes were firmly locked on the false gemstone in his hands.

"My gem." She whispered, lurching toward him, "that's my gem, give it back!"

She gasped at her own words, her hand pressing into her chest, into the real gem.
She very clearly couldn't feel it, or see it.
It wasn't there, it was in his hands, and she was begging for him to give it back. It was hers.

"I need it, please." She cried, slowly standing, she stumbled toward him, breathlessly fingering where her gem should have been.

"Spinel- it's not real!" Steven tried to explain, squeezing the heart until it poofed away. Spinel froze. Her eyes flickering from his hand to his face.
Steven took a hesitant step closer, hoping his presence in the room would lift her thoughts from the dark and tormenting place they had been in.

"See? It's not real." He said, providing a comforting smile for her, she blinked.

"I did bad."

Steven felt his heart drop to his feet. The words were familiar and quiet and small. Spinel lowered her head slowly, her hands wavering as they reached toward her hair to pull at strands.
She plucked at them, one by one letting them drift to the ground in her sudden state of dissociative shock.

Steven wrapped his hand around her wrist, as she grabbed another chunk, taking it away and pulling a few hairs along with it. Tears brimmed in his eyes, as he grabbed her other hand before it could perform the same methodical punishment.

"Spinel, you're okay, it's okay, I'm right here, I came back." He tried to reassure the gem, "please stop."

At his plea, she looked up at him, her eyes settling into his gaze, before watery tears erupted and her silence was broken by a shuddering cry.

"I can't!" She wailed, struggling against his grip lightly. "I can't make it stop and I want to!"

The pink gem fell to her knees, her arms loosely stretching to accommodate the height change. She shuddered through a gasp, tucking her hed to her chest in embarrassment.

"I'm trying so hard..." she whispered softly, Steven looked down at her, he knew this. He knew how hard she tried, how proud she wanted him to be. But she could never achieve that.

"Spinel, it's okay-"

"No, it's not!" She interrupted, Steven blinked, caught off guard by her refusal. He bent to his knees and sat down across from her as she spoke through her rickety sobs.

"It's- it's not okay because...because nothing I do works." She continued, "I know it's bad, I know I'm bad and I'm hurting you but I can't stop- I don't know how."

The pink gem shook as she spoke, wiping her tears with her shoulders while her hands were still kept in Steven's, she didn't even attempt to remove them.
She knew if she did she would go back to hurting herself. Steven prevented that.
She didn't want him to though.

"I don't..." she drew in a breath, "I don't want to need you.."