Seductive Vibrations Book Five To Six

Book Five Chapter Twelve

I plan to tell Alena, not that I love her, that would be wrong, but that I want to be the one to support her. 

Walking out the girl's room, I feel ready, she needs support it has been over six months now, and if I can support her I will. 

Walking out, I see her and Liam, her hand in his as she leads him into his room, I feel like I am losing her and I can't stop it, she wasn't mine to lose, I want to go in there and stop them, I want to tell Liam it is wrong and to leave her alone but I can't, I feel stuck waiting for them to reemerge, yet at the same time it feels wrong. 

I feel angry, Jacksons wife and his brother? How could they do that to him, how could Liam do that, he is taking advantage of her while she is hurting, my anger rising, the tears building in my eyes. 

This isn't because he got there first, or because I now know I won't be needed, it is because Jackson deserves so much better, how can anyone do that to someone they love? I feel my legs go, falling and sitting outside the twin's room, looking at the picture of Jackson and Alena on their wedding day. 

I failed him, in every way possible, getting up I walk out, the pain too much to take, I get in the car, driving I don't even know where. The apartment is empty, walking in I am glad I set Rebecca free and she moved out, I am glad I have this space away from everyone, my screams getting loud as all the pain and hurt from losing Jackson creeps back within me. 

Sitting for what seems like hours, I cry, my screams going unheard no one noticing my pain other than me, why is life so bad, my mind screaming, trying to rescue me, telling me how to stop the pain that is tearing my heart apart. 

Looking around I see the bottle, the pills and alcohol the combination I need, sitting looking my mind finally stops screaming, the hushed whispers fading, my life peaceful. Is this the way to stop my hurt? 

I never imagined life with Jackson, and even with Maria my life is nothing without him. I sit for what seems like hours looking at these same yet deadly pills, slowly slipping them in my mouth, as I wash them down with the whiskey, my mind feeling more and more free my eyes slipping closed as the pills begin to get into my system, a smile on my face as I finally realise I am no longer in pain. 

Laying I fall asleep, unable to move, knowing that I will not wake, I don't want to wake to see the hurt that they will be in caused by Jackson right now, the hurt that Alena will be in when she realises what she has done, I don't want to see it, and I don't want to live this life without Jackson, I have not lived this life without him, and I know I am not strong enough to keep going. 

I had myself fooled into believing I was living, I wasn't I was surviving while my heart kept breaking apart. The darkness taking over as I feel my body relaxing, Jackson in my mind, looking angry, why is he angry at me? 

I don't blame him, I let him die, which is another reason I can't go on living with the guilt, his face getting worse, his screams loud as I stare at him trying to work out what I did wrong, his hands shaking me, waking me up, turning over I start being sick, the pills coming out my system stopping my life from ending, why is he so angry with me? 

The tears begin again, as I start to cry, the door opening, and Maria stood there looking shocked, the empty bottle next to me. Her body running to me, the tears within her eyes telling me I have hurt her once again, her hands shaking me, hitting me and screaming. 

I shouldn't be alive, even now while he is dead, he is here protecting me, waking me up from the sleep that would have made me join him. He doesn't want me to do this, he knows I am hurting yet he still needs me, Alena still needs me even if she has Liam by her side.