Pregnant With His Baby (Jack Gilinsky)

My Story...

Hey guys. So this isn't an update or a note. This is me. I just want you guys to know my story. Because I know there are a lot of people out there, and a lot of you guys are younger and I feel obligated to tell you stuff, to keep you guys safe.

So, my name is Lizzy, yes same as the character, and I'm 18 years old. I feel like I'm one of the oldest in this fandom, so I feel responsible for keeping everyone happy and safe.

A lot of you are 11-15 years old and you are going through a lot of changes as a girl. Trust me, I remember those times. They're not fun. But some people feel bad when they are going through these changes and they start feeling depressed. That was me. At 11 years old, I started feeling like an outcast and like no one wanted to be my friend. I felt like a loser and I would cry in my room every day after school. At around this point, I stopped doing my homework because I felt like a failure and let me just say this, don't ever do that. You get into a habit and never do it ever. I've had this problem and it all started with that^^. But anyways, at age 14 or so, my mom realized how depressed I was and would have me go to counseling. It didn't do much for me, but the start of high school finally came up.

My ONLY friend in a school of 2000+ people ditched me. I went to a small private school, and I was the only one that went to my high school, and I knew one person. She ditched me. And that killed me. I felt more alone than ever. I literally had no one. I was shy. And that started my downward spiral of depression. I literally crashed into this black hole of despair. And I would try to crawl out, but I would just slip back in there. It... I guess it became my "home."

During my sophomore year, we had to write poems. We were put in poem groups and I was with one girl I kinda knew, and two girls I had no idea who they were. I was going through this depression thing alone, no friends, nothing. At this point, I finally broke. I wrote a poem that went something about not knowing what the light is like because I've been in the dark for so long. The darkness was my home, it was my friend. It was all I had. And one girl asked me if that was true. I remember having tears in my eyes. I just nodded. Through this, I found my best friends, Kati, Madison, and Emily. They've been there for me through it all.

At age 16, I tried cutting. I felt so alone even though I had the girls. But I didn't know how to release pain. This definitely got it. It became my secret addiction. I fell in love with the feeling and the rush it gave me.
It made me feel better... Until I looked at the damage after I finished, and I felt regret. I would feel bad and then I would cut, restarting the cycle over again. I told my friends and they pleaded me to stop. I would try but I would always relapse. This went on for about a year and a half.

I came to school one day during junior year and my first class was math. I had it with my two good friends Nick and Nolan. Nick was always joking about this weird girl who sat in front of us and when he did that this particular day, I was silent. He looked at me and took my notebook. He scribbled something in it. I looked at it:

What's wrong, math buddy?

I just remember shaking my head. This day, I felt like a total and complete failure and I was ready to end my life the second I got home from school. I'm honestly looking at these notes right now so these are all word for word. Nick tried again. (To make this easier I will bold what I say and italicize what Nick says)

Just one of those days?

I have these days every day.

Is there anything I can do?

I want to die.

No. That's not an option. You ARE AMAZING. A great friend. I love you like a sister. Kinda like family.

I just feel so alone. I know people around me like me but I want to feel loved. Like I feel like I will never have that. My depression has gone over the top and I can't control it anymore. It controls me.

Feel loved as in how? Because I love you. I know Nolan does. You aren't alone. I am here and I'm going to stay and try my best to help. Just don't stop fighting your depression. It's like a war. There is more than one battle and sometimes depression wins. But those are just small battles. The war is yours and you will come out victorious.

This really helped me so I have Nick to thank. But I still ended up in the hospital because I still write suicide notes. I told Kati and Madison and they contacted my counselor at school. After that, I felt better that I knew I had friends there for me and I wanted to change.

I have gotten better. No I'm not "healed". I still have depression. I get stubborn and don't want to take my medication. I still feel like a failure. But I promise you, I am here for you. I went through a lot of this on my own. I didn't have people there for me until later. I don't want this for you guys. I love you. I don't care who you are. I love you.