Things Are Different

Chapter 22: The Appointment

TW: Mentioning of self harm

"Hello?" I answered my moms call in my car. I was pulling out of my driveway heading to the therapists office. "Hey! Are you on your way?" She asked. "Yeah I just pulled out of my house. Are you?" I asked. "I'm picking up Lovely and then we're on the way." She told me. "Okay. I guess I'll stop for Starbucks then. You want your regular order?" I asked her.

"Yes please. Ok I love you and I'll see you there." She told me before hanging up. I sighed taking a detour to head to Starbucks. Dvsn's album playing softly in the background as I drove, my thoughts not particularly roaming anywhere.

//

"Noel Kardashian-West!" I heard my name called. My mom and Lovely followed behind me as the receptionist led us to a room. As we walked into the room a women that was way shorter than me stood with a wide grin on her face. Her blonde highlights on the tips of her natural hair complimented her olive toned skin along with her big brown eyes. "Hi, you must be Noel." She stuck her hand out for me to shake. "Yes that's me." I smiled. "Good I'm Dr. Russell." I shook her hand and stepped aside so she could introduce herself to my mom and grandmother.

"Sit anywhere you'd like." She told us as she shut her door. I got comfortable on her plush couch while my mom sat beside me. Lovely sat on a plush chair adjacent from us.

As Dr. Russell got comfortable herself I looked around the room looking at her multiple degrees. And her fish tank that sat opposite of us on her far wall.

"So Noel I'm going to ask you a few baseline questions to get to know you better." She told me as she relaxed in her chair. "Ok." I smiled.

"First things first, how old are you?" "20." I answered smoothly. "You look way older than 20." She told me jokingly to which I chuckled along. "Alright since you're 20 are you in college or working?" She asked. "I'm in the music industry but I would like to go to college a little later in life." I answered. She nodded.

"So people your age deal with a lot of stress especially coming out of high school, how do you deal with yours?" She asked. "Music." I answered easily but she looked at me skeptically. "Are you sure?" She asked. I nodded not affected by her doubt.

"So let's go back to your childhood and work our way back up to 20. How were things as a young Noel?" She crossed her legs. "They were good, me and my mom traveled a lot and when I wasn't with her I was with Lovely." I remembered. She looked deep in thought but she moved on anyway. "Were you ever picked on when you were younger?" She followed up. I nodded playing with my hands. "It wasn't a tormenting thing but I just didn't fit in at that school. I had one bully that didn't leave me alone until he was expelled but then other people started picking on me too." I explained to which she nodded.

"In your high school days were you ever picked on too?" She asked. "A lot actually." I nodded. "Do you know why was that?" She prodded. "Yeah." I answered short to gather my thoughts. "My mom had a sex tape that leaked when I was younger but no one knew about it because we were younger but when I got to high school everyone knew. That was one thing they picked on me for but another was that I was too black for the white kids and not black enough for the black kids. I was an outcast but everyone wanted at least 15 minutes of fame being associated with me so they would try to embarrass me every chance they got with their phones ready to capture anything I did." I spilled. My mom ran her thumb over the back of my hand in comfort.

Dr. Russell pursed her lips. "Did you ever feel compelled to hurt yourself at any point?" "By 8 I was doing it on a regular basis." I admitted making a gasp fall from my moms lips. "When was the first time of you ever harming yourself?" She pushed a little more. "Well like I said I was 8. My grandfather had just passed. It was the first time I had dealt with death especially to someone close to me. I used to stay up late every night until I passed out because I didn't want the days to go by without him but whenever I woke up I realized that he wasn't there. Again. He never would be. So one night I don't remember the shows name but a girl was talking about cutting. She said it let her feel the pain she was feeling. She said when she cut her emotional pain hurt a little less. So I tried it and she was right." I felt my eyes burning as both my mom and Lovely were wiping tears.

"I didn't know you were going through that." My mom spoke up. "You were going through your own things at that point. I didn't expect you too." I told her but she shook her head. "I should have been looking out for you especially if you felt that alone." She told me. I nodded conceding to her.

"Have you recently harmed or did you stop?" She asked. I was silent for a minute not knowing if I wanted to reveal everything. "Noel, it's okay if you have." My mom wrapped her arm around me. I nodded. "I cut myself two months ago. I was in the studio and I cut until there were lines of blood pouring out of my arms then I walked into the kitchen with the blood dried on my arms. You and dad were in the kitchen but didn't say anything to me so I just walked up to my room." I told her. "We didn't talk to you at all?" She asked. I shook my head. "Or even look at me. I think that's what made it worse." Tears poured out of my eyes at a rapid pace as I curled into myself. I heard my grandmother sit beside me trying to calm me down.

I heard the door close as I wiped my tears myself. My mom pulled me into her as I cried again. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you." She sniffled. My breathing was picking up as tears steadily flowed alarming my mom.

"Noel I need you to breathe." She gripped my shoulders as Lovely rubbed my back. I stood abruptly backing away from them as I fell curling into myself again.

I told you Noel, nothing good comes out of therapy!

Shut up!

You need to get out of here now!

Stop Damian!

Noel get the fuck off of the floor and get out of here! Now!

"Shut up!" I screamed as I grabbed my head. "Noel!" My mom tried to touch me but I jerked away from her touch causing more tears to fall from her eyes. "No! No stop!" I screamed as I felt Damian taking over.

Damian's POV

Finally! It's time to get Noel's ass out of here.

"Noel baby I need you to breathe." His mom was in hysterics. I stood looking at his grandmother and mother. "Noel." She sniffled caressing his face but I broke out of it. I headed to the door prompting her to stand too. "Where are you going?" She asked. "Noel!" She called his name.

"Stop calling me that!" I commanded making her shrink back. I stormed out of the office and building heading towards his car.

Don't leave! What are you doing?

Saving your ass! You already revealed too much!

I started his car once I got into it peeling out of the parking lot. His phone was ringing from his seat as I sped down the road. I powered it off heading to our safe zone to calm us both down.

//