All I want is to love- Kian Lawley fanfic

Chapter 29: Hard times

*Courtney pov*

It's been about 2 weeks since the new years party. And Kian and I, well, are fine. And that's it. I want to be 'great' or 'better than ever'. It all my fault too. I talked with my grandma about it and she said I might need to see a counselor. Because with my back ground with my mom it might actually be affecting my relationships.

I secretly went a to a session. And found out some things, about myself actually. Somehow my counselor managed to squeeze out things I didn't want to say originally. She made me feel comfortable talking about things I never really got to talk to anyone about.

This made me worry though, all these things. I feel like Kian is gonna think I'm a freak or have issues. Which is partly true. I have issues, not crazy issues just issues that came along with my up bringing. And part of the issue is trust. And I have to trust myself enough and him, in order to even talk to him about it.

This made me worry that I'm not gonna be able to fix it, and end up alone yet again.

I went to another session yesterday. I told my counselor that I was scared to talk to kian about it. She told me this,

"I don't know kian, and I barely even know you Courtney. But I need you, to just be open about it. I'm not saying tell the world your thoughts and feeling about all this but just open up to him. If this relationship is worth it you will do so. You must find it in yourself to be straight forward and just hope he's there listening. Hope he's understanding, even though you barley understand it yourself. Courtney, These are things that need to be addressed."

I truly don't know why I feel scared to talk to him. Maybe I'm just scared of rejection, like I've gotten so many times before, and simply do not want it to happen again. I'm scared he will walk out right then and there. Never to speak to me again. I don't want that to happen. I will be so torn.

But the whole problem here is, I don't want to talk to him about my trust issues and tell him I don't trust him. Because he will be upset. But I'm telling him so we can work it out so I can get myself to trust him.

It's all so confusing and I can't even wrap my mind around it.

-

I was nervous as hell but I did it.

To:Kian
Hey.. Um we need to talk about something's

From:Kian
Okay. When and where? I could come over?

To:Kian
No I'll come to you. When can I come?

From:Kian
Now if you want

*Kian pov*

When she sent me that first text, it made my heart race and I got kinda hot and sweaty. I'm nervous. What if it's bad? So many questions ran through my mind but all I knew was she was coming over now.

I hear front door open and I go to the top of the stairs. Courtney makes a half smiles at me and starts walking up the stairs. She looks up at me and she already seems different. I give her a peck on the lips.

"Hey is everything alright?" I ask her.

"I hope so." She says simply.

I walk into my room and she follows. She sits in the spinning chair at the computer and spins around. I sit at the edge of my bed.

She sighed and spun once in the chair, still not making eye contact with me.

"Courtney. You have me worried. What did you want to talk about?" I ask her

"I'm scared kian. I'm scared okay? I'm scared I'm gonna mess things up for myself and you. I'm scared there's someone better and she's gonna find her way to you and I'm gonna be left in the dust." She says in a very serious tone. She still doesn't look at me, she looks at the floor and fiddles with her shoe laces.

"That would never-" I begin.

"There's always someone better." she tells me making me be quiet.

"I feel like one day I'm just gonna come over to surprise you and you are gonna be up here in your room with some girl. Because you know what Kian?! I've been cheated on before! And it sucks. And it hurts. And it makes you cry ALOT and have so many insecurities!" She was now getting upset.

"Courtney! Don't you have enough trust in me not to do something so terrible?!" I ask her now I was hurt. It's like she doesn't trust me.She looks up at me now and something in her eyes just turned off. The lights just turned off.

"kian.." She said quietly.

"Don't kian me. You don't trust me do you?! What is this relationship then? Is it just gonna flop just like all your others?!" I was now steaming. I've never been so upset with her before or even hurt. But I instantly regretted what I said after I watched courtneys eyes fill with water staring at nothing. I just made a big mistake.

"No wonder why I can't say anything important to you! You just blow up on me!" She shouts. Before I could reply she continued

" I went to fucking counseling because I have issues okay?! I'm SO FUCKING SORRY that I have an alcoholic mother that made me have trust issues! I'm SO FUCKING SORRY that I've had bad relationships before I met you that causes me to have trust issues! AND IM SO FUCKING SORRY but I'm trying to fix it! And I'm so fucking sorry for myself that I couldn't even come to my boyfriend for something like this." She shouted at me and got up and paced back and forth gathering thoughts while tears rolled down her cheeks.

"I'm so fucking sorry i don't trust you." Courtney said in a calmer voice.

She stopped in the middle of my room and put her hands on her face and cried.

"I just wanted to do it for us." She whispered. At that time, I felt so bad and guilty. But very sad, that I just made the most beautiful person in my eyes cry, because of something stupid I said. Something hurtful. That somewhere in my mind thought in was okay, and it isn't. I just want to make it all better. Because I had it all wrong, and if I could've just let her talk, things probably would've went much calmer.

I walk over to her and pull her to my chest. She doesn't take her hands off her face. I rub her back and stroke her hair.

"Courtney, I'm beyond sorry. That was not right of me and I'm just so sorry." I tell her trying not to choke uo myself.Because I felt so terrible.

"I'm here now. Okay? We are gonna get through this. No matter what, you and me. A team. We are gonna take care of these problems that your past has caused you so you can move on." I say softly. Courtney takes her hands off her face and wrapped her arms around me.

"I'm sorry. And I love you." She tells me.

"I love you too."

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AYE a chapter! I'm gonna be gone next week, so I'll be updating hopefully after I get back. Hope you liked it! Vote vote vote!