New perspective (#1)

Chapter 37

Ryan's POV
"I love you, Ryan." Brendon whispered and I could no longer hear his breaths nor mine.

Wait, what? Did he just say he loves me? He just said he loves me.

Love.

Such a complicated word, such a problematic word. What does it really mean? It means that someone loves someone else. In this case, in love with someone else. Brendon's in love with me. I don't get it. No one loves me. No one even likes me that way. And then there's Brendon.

"Brendon..." I said quietly in a shaky breath. There was nothing else I could say. I couldn't say I don't love him, yet I couldn't say I love him. Because I don't know what love is, what it feels like. Is there even a definition of love?

I wasn't ready to hear that word, especially not if it's meant for me. And now it is. It's sad, really. Loving me is like loving death. I'm dead. I'm a corpse with a beating heart. I never felt anything before Brendon came in the picture. But love? That's too many steps over the line.

Silence filled the room. I studied his silhouttes, his sharp jaw, his messy hair, his nose dipping downwards.

Maybe I didn't know what love is, but I sure as hell know what beautiful is.

And I had the privelege to hold the definition of beautiful in my arms, to wake up to his face, to look deep into his eyes without having to explain myself, to crash his lips with mine.

The door suddenly burst open, a following voice yelling "I fucking knew it!" And turning the lights on. I could now see Brendon's glassy eyes, dried tears on his cheeks, his teeth digged into his bottom lip. He pulled me even closer as his eyes landed on something above me and widened.

"Fuck..." I mumbled, not even having to turn around to know what was behind me. A person. A man. A principal.

"I fucking knew you two were doing shit!" Mr. Dawson yelled. I knew that Spencer and Patrick were wide awake as well, but they pretended to be asleep.

"W-what do you... you mean?" Brendon stammered which made the principal sigh angrily.

"Well, two guys in the same bed without clothes, holding each other. Explain that to me!" He scoffed.

"I... We..." Brendon said. I was frozen. I couldn't speak. Brendon then looked at me again, staring deep into my eyes, mouthing 'I'm sorry' as another tear ran down his cheek. I wanted to wipe it away. I wanted to tell him that it was all gonna be okay. But lying to him would be the greatest sin.

"Thought so. Put some damn clothes on and follow me to my office." He shouted so loud my heart skipped a beat. I nodded, still looking at Brendon. I hadn't turned around to look at the mad man behind me even once. Only Brendon.

Brendon moved over me, jumping onto the floor. Luckily we had boxers on. It'd be even more awkward if the damn principal saw us naked. He was just standing there, in the doorway.

Brendon tossed me my chequered button up shirt and low waisted blue jeans. I stood up and put it on, fiddling with the buttons. It was difficult. My hands were shaking. I looked over at Brendon, he looked like a mess. He looked broken. Scared.

I then noticed that he had my black green day shirt. It was like glued to his skin. He also had low waisted jeans, but instead of blue they were black. He looked really good. He always does. And him wearing my clothes always made my stomach flutter, it sent a warm feeling through my body.

Once I finished buttoning up the shirt I put on a brown belt, otherwise my jeans would fall off the second I took a step. Brendon watched me and I met his gaze. His eyes were tired, exhausted. He looked drained like me.

We both knew that something bad was gonna happen any minute now.

Perhaps our story would be over before it even started.

"Follow me." Rian mumled, holding the door open for us. How polite. He switched the lights off and closed the door once we got out.

The walk to the office was uncomfortable and felt like ages although it only took us a bare minute. Me and Brendon sat down next to each other and I searched for his hand under the desk. Once I found it I squeezed it tightly, hoping that I won't ever have to let go of it.

"So... We're gonna have a proper talk now." Mr. Dawson started, taking a seat on the other side of the desk. The room smelled like wood, old books and a scent that I was constantly chasing, Brendon.

I forgot why we were here. All I could seem to think about was what Brendon had told me earlier. He loves me. I can't take it in, can't accept it. I don't even know why. It's like I'm allergic to strong feelings. Especially love. What I know of, love only ruins things. Loving someone is dangerous. It makes you suffer and go crazy.

"Tell me what's been going on. And I'll know if you're lying." Rian said rather calmly, but the glare he shot at us told us the opposite.

"What's gonna happen?" Brendon asked instead of answering his question. What's gonna happen? Probably some sad shit.

"If you tell me the truth without lying I'll give you a milder punishment." The principal stated. No one gave a clear answer, but at least this confirmed that we would get punished no matter what.

"Ryan, should we?" Brendon asked hesitantly and turned his head to look at me. I shook my head carefully, not having the guts to say anything. What I and Brendon have is none of Rian's business. He can't stop us. The more I think about it the more rage builds up inside of me. He thinks he owns us, but he doesn't. We own ourselves. Brendon shook his head too, giving me a reassuring smile.

Brendon cleared his throat and his next choice of words brought a smirk to my lips, "This is none of your business. You're just a homophobic idiot. So we're not telling you anything."

Rian's expression went from confident to shocked but offended. He fucking should be. If he messes with us, we'll mess with him.

"Brendon, I'm sending you home. Ryan, I'll let you stay here. After all Ryan, you became a lot more... rebellious after Brendon got here." Rian smirked proudly.

"W-what?" Brendon whispered, his jaw dropping in disappointment. So did mine. "You're blaming it all on me?!" Brendon raised his voice and pushed his chair backwards, standing up.

"Yes, I am." Rian remained calmed, probably to piss us off.

"Send me home too. I don't want to be here." I suggested, wanting that more than ever. If Brendon won't be staying here then what's the point? I never liked this place anyway. Without Brendon this school is even worse than home.

"I thought I made myself clear. You're staying here, Ryan. It's not up to you."

What he said felt like a sharp knife stabbing me. Not because our principal acts like he owns us, but because if I stay here and Brendon goes home, what will happen?

My heart will be shattered in pieces.

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dON'T HATE ME PLEASE