Can you fix my heart? 💙ChaeLisa💜

Thirty- Three

"Love, the simplest, strongest, and most unforgiving of all emotions.”

We went home and Lily's now asleep. I went to our porch to think about things and there, I let out the heaviness in my heart.

I was so happy that Lisa came back to me. She's still the Lisa that I loved before and the things that I love about her is still in her. I see how determined she is in winning me back. Don't get me wrong, I love her but I don't want to break the walls that I've built for years.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Even if I don't look, I know whose voice it was. She sat beside me and gave me a milk. I drank all of it.

"Thanks for this but why are you still here? Didn't I tell you that I'm better off without you? Didn't you understand what I said or you're just plain deaf?"

"I thought milk can make you calm but why does it seems to be not working? And about that, I'm sorry but your dad told me that I can stay here as long as I want to" I just looked at her, she's being ridiculous again. I don't have the strength to argue with her so
I didn't answer.

"Lily and I had fun today. She reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger. We have so much similarities, you know. I believe in love at first sight when I saw her, isn't weird? And oh, I must say, you raised her well." She's trying so hard to make a conversation.

"I can see that Lianne feels the same way about you."

"Lianne, her name is so beautiful" she said it with so much adoration. "Where does her name come from?"

"From her father" I saw how her face shifted from happy to upset.

"I still don't know who her father is." Is she dumb? How in the world would I be able to conceive a 6-year-old in just 2 years?

"Well, actually, she's my blessing after my ex's treachery." She looked down, she really thought that I loved someone else.

And she really thought that I loved someone else.

"You still want to know who her father is?" She just nodded

"You. Lianne is an amalgamation of our names. LIsa and RoseANNe. The day I met her, I was about to end my life but you saved me, or at least that's what I thought when you rang the doorbell. I let my feet wander at it took me to the orphanage, there I saw her and found my will to live."

"I'm sorry. It was our mutual desire to adopt a child. I'm sorry that you have to raise her on your own. I should be there."

"But you weren't there for us. How foolish I was to think that you can fix me when you're the one who broke me. In reality, it doesn't work that way. I lost myself trying to save our relationship and that pain made me stronger. But you know what? I realized that it is me who needs to fix myself."

"I know it's all my fault in the past that's why I'm here trying to fix it, I'm trying my own ways and I'm sorry if I'm failing miserably because you still hate me."

"I don't really hate you. I just don't particulalry like the idea of you being here"

"The only thing that can save me now is your love. I won't waste 2 years for nothing. I waited for 2 years because I love you so much. No matter what you say, It won't change my mind. I'll still take care of you."

"I can take care of myself and I don't need you." I took a deep breath "you know what? When everything goes wrong, I want to run away. I just don't know either to you or away from you."

"You can always run to me. You know that, Rosie. I was with you during your darkest times and I will still be here."

"Where were you when my heart was broken? You weren't there for me. You didn't even bother to wipe a tear" I raised my voice.

"That was one time, Rosie. It was my one mistake, can't you see that I deeply regretted it?" Her voice is grave.

"The pain is still in me, Lisa. I don't know. I thought you were different, I shouldn't have set my expectations higher. You know what's funny? I thought you were my prize for everything I've been through but you were just more that I had to go through and I'm still stuck healing myself from all the pain."

"What do you want me to do to make the pain go away?" She held my hand and it's visible in her voice that she doesn't know what to do anymore.

"YOU CAN'T FIX ME, LISA! YOU CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" She can't stop me now. I lost control with myself and wrath took over my body. But how can she just stay calm when I'm screaming at her? I looked at her and she's looking down, seconds later, she glanced towards her right and started wiping off her tears.

"I won't leave you."

"Please! I'm begging you. Leave me."

"I'm sorry but I ca...."

I cut her off " I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT BEFORE WHEN I NEEDED YOU THE MOST! IT'S TOO LATE, LISA! MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT YOU! CAN'T YOU SEE? I'M STILL NOT OKAY!" It wasn't my intention to scream at her but she's making this hard for me.

"Do you really want me out of your life?" She's trying so hard to hold back her tears and I can feel remorse in her voice.

It took me a while to answer, deliberating my choices.

"I want you out of my life, Lisa. My life was better before you came here, I was happier and I have peace in here but when you came back, It felt like my world was in deep chaos. You don't ruin someone's life and come back if nothing happened."

A strangled sobbed escaped her lungs, she stood up and faced me" If that's what you really want. I'm sorry if I messed up again. It wasn't my intention to make your life in chaos. I just want to make things right but if you're really decided for me to leave you, I will."

I suddenly felt a guilt, that's not what I really want. It's just that my mind and my heart are always on debate and I don't know which one to choose. I'm having a cognitive dissonance and my heart is having a protest. I thought she was going to leave when she spoke.

"But can you spend 5 days with me? For one last time? Only then you can decide. If you really want me out of your life, I'll promise I won't bother and you won't get to see me anymore. Whatever decision you choose, I'll accept it."