Can you fix my heart? 💙ChaeLisa💜

Day One: Monday💔

"I'm going down, and you have watched me drown in a river of tears."

-Alessia Cara

I held the mug filled with coffee and sat at the dining table. I needed to be alone. Eversince I fainted at work last week, I knew something's wrong with me. The doctor advised me to take a rest😔 No matter how much I hated to be here alone in our house because it makes me sad, I don't have any choice.

For the past few days, I'm aware that my body got weaker and thinner. Nothing's new, it's my body's normal response since I don't sleep well enough and I really don't eat.

If there's one thing I'm still thankful for is that Lisa still decides to go home in our house. I still love her even if she doesn't feel the same way. I was in deep thoughts when I heard someone rang the doorbell. I opened the door.

"Hi, love." I greeted her, I was going to kiss her lips but she slightly pushed me away.

"I'm tired. I'm not in the mood."

"You're always not in the mood when it comes to me." I finally had the guts to say. She just looked at me and ignored my presence. I felt like going crazy because I can't seem to comprehend what I feel but mostly, I feel numb. Melancholia is taking over my body now and I can't control it.

Have I told you that I'm sleeping on the other room? She asked me why I wasn't sleeping in our room, I just said that I don't want to disturb her and she seems fine with it. Right now, I can hear her talking to someone over the phone.

"Yes, I'll go with you, Of course, I wanted to see you." She opened the door and she's carrying her bag. I was holding my chest because it suddenly hurts and she saw me at that state. She looked at me with pity.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine, love. Don't worry about me."

"Okay, then. I'm going out, don't bother to wait for me." She said. If I told her that I wasn't okay, will she stay by my side? I highly doubt it

"Where are you going? You just got home few minutes ago and then you're leaving again?" I asked.
I really wanted to confront her but I don't have the audacity to initiate. It's like whenever I try to speak, no words are coming out of my mouth. Besides, I still love her. I'm too scared to hear that she doesn't love me anymore even though it is obvious with her actions. I just don't have the strength to take it in it if that happens.

"You can handle yourself. I should go now" she doesn't really care about me.

"Love, I'm not feeling well." I said, she just glared at me and went inside our room. She handed me the paracetamol.

"Here, drink that medicine, I really have to go now." I looked at the medicine and said..

"I don't need this, love. I need you." I was hoping that she will stay, but boy, I was wrong, she stormed out of the house.

I need someone whom I can talk to, someone to notice how I was hurting, someone to understand how hard it is for me to deal with this pain, someone to tell me I'm enough, that I'm worthy to be loved but these days, it's hard to find someone you can trust. I only knew few people but I don't want to suck out their happiness so I'll just keep the pain for now.

I know people have their own limits. Some people know when it's time to end their relationships. They can't tolerate pain, lies and heartbreaks. Some people tend to endure more pain. Some people were bruised like me but still hold onto their little hopes.

I wanted Lisa to feed me with her lies. To tell me that we will be okay, that she still loves me but I know it's not going to happen, she still hates my presence anyway.

But you know what really sucks? Everyday people were asking me about Lisa, how am I doing? Of course I can't tell them what's really going on, I can't tell everyone that I'm hurt and suffering. All I have to say is that I'm fine and pretend that I'm okay because no one wants to hear that you didn't eat and that you cried yourself to sleep last night. I was here wondering how you can love someone so deeply who doesn't even care that you are hurting?