Can you fix my heart? 💙ChaeLisa💜

Day Three: Wednesday💔

"There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest."

― Anaïs Nin

Have I told you that I already quit my job? At first, they didn't allow me because I signed a contract but then I told them that I am not emotionally and psychologically fit to continue the job, they saw how miserable I was and then they let me.
Today, I stared at the wall emotionless. It's another day of pretending. Now that I'm an actress, I realized that I'm really good at acting. I can make people believe that I'm okay even when I'm dying inside.

I proceed to the kitchen and do my routine
•cook breakfast
•wash the dishes
•prepare Lisa's breakfast and lunch
•prepare her clothes
•take a bath

I felt like a robot. Last night was rough, I had two major anxiety attacks. It was full-blown and it was terrifying. I suddenly felt like I can't breathe, I wanted to run, I wanted to scream. I felt like I'm going crazy, my hands were cold and sweaty and worst, I felt like I'm going to die. How I wish I die so I won't be able to feel this pain. But the hardest part of it is that I don't have someone to run to. I really don't want to bother, Lisa because she might get mad at me. I just cried in the corner because crying helps my anxiety attacks to subside. I had this when I was 18, I remember how scary it was, I undergone therapy but CBT really helped me a lot. My doctor told me I had this as a result of a traumatic experience, and it was when my sister died.
As a person, I'm not really open about my feelings, I'm the introvert type but when I met Lisa, I also noticed the changes in myself. I've gotten more expressive and talkative.

I'm in the mood to go to museum today. Hence, I decided to go to an art museum. Since I really have a soft spot for arts and stuff, If I didn't become an artist, I should be an art teacher by now. I really admire Salvador Dali and his works, surrealism. I do love surrealism it's like tapping our subconscious minds and playing with our imaginations. The subliminal messages and the stories behind each art.

I got tired of walking and looking at the paintings. So I just sat at the bench and get my sketchpad. I scrolled through my phone and decided to draw a photo of me and Lisa. It's really therapeutic to do this. I think I did 7 drawings in total. I was so busy when I felt someone tapped my shoulder. I looked up and see

"Jk, you're here!" I said.

"Why does it surprise you, Chae? You do know that I love arts the same way you do."

"I know! I just didn't expect to see you today." I said.

"So, how's life?"JK asked. I let out a sigh and..

"Fine."

"You don't look fine. Tell me something I don't know." He dared. I was hesistant but then I know JK is someone whom I can trust.

"Lisa and I were a couple." He looks surprised

"I knew it! There's something going on between the two of you. I must admit you look great together but.. Were? That means it's in the past?" He asked

"She changed. Drastically changed." And I proceed to tell him what happened.

"That sucks! How can she do that? Don't blame yourself for what happened. You didn't lack in every aspect, you gave her everything that you could offer. I just find it stupid that she chose someone whom she just met recently. What a downgrade!" I laughed with what he said. A downgrade?😂

"We can't do anything about it, we can never force someone to love us back." I said

"Are you okay? I mean sure i know you're not emotionally okay but can you take more pain?" He asked worriedly and I just smiled and nodded

"I have to go, Jk. I have to go somewhere else. It was nice to see you." I said

"Thank you to you, too. Take care of yourself, Chae. It's okay to leave a relationship that's no longer worth fighting for. Don't beat yourself up." I smiled and went out.

Sudden flashbacks of our happy memories filled my mind and the hurt, Why does it have to happen? What did I do wrong? I can't take anymore the sadness, I felt like I'm going to explode. I need people to talk to. I decided to go to Unnies' house. It was an hour and a half drive but I don't mind, I miss them, I badly wanted to see them. As soon as I got out of the car. I rang their doorbell.

"Chae, you're..." Jennie unnie didn't even finish her sentence, I hugged her, I broke down and cry. For the longest time, I didn't need to pretend that I'm okay, that I can be vulnerable.

"What happened? Why are you crying, baby?" Baby, I missed hearing that word, the only difference is that it's not coming from Lisa's mouth.

"Can I just cry, Unnie?" She pulled me closer to her and hugged me tight, she guide me inside their living room while I was stupidly sobbing.

"Jennie, who rang.. CHAEYOUNG?" I can sense panic in Jisoo unnie's voice. She hugged me and stroked my hair. Even when I don't say anything, I know they can feel my agony.

"S-she's cheating on me." I finally said.

"WHAT??!" they said in unison. I started narrating what happened from the moment we met Sorn until when she started to become cold.

"I can't believe she did that! Since when did she become a bastard! I want to punch her face. You don't deserve to be treated like that, Chae." Jennie unnie, she was fuming mad.

"You can stay here, Chae. We'll take care of you." Jisoo unnie offered.

"As much as I wanted to but I promised myself to stay there for 5 more days. It's the 3rd day, I still need to stay there for 2 days or longer, it depends when she change" I said.

"Since when did you become so stupid, Chae? Can't you see? That girl clearly doesn't love you anymore! Stop torturing yourself. Gosh! You are a masochist!" Jennie unnie shouted. Am I a masochist? Or is it just my pain threshold is way too high?

"Jennie calm down, this isn't what Chae needs. You, shouting at her won't help at all." Jisoo unnie and I saw Jennie unnie's expression softened

"I'm sorry, Chae. I was carried away by my emotions. I'm so mad that Lisa did this to you. You don't deserve any of this"

"It's okay, Unnie. I understand. I also find my decision to be so stupid but yeah, we do the impossible when we're in love." I said

"Have you eaten already? Look at you, you look thinner and paler. I don't want seeing you like this" I looked at her and saw she's crying. My unnie😔

"I'm sorry if I made you worried." I hugged her and my eyes betrayed me again.

"Don't cry, unnie. I'll be fine. I promise" I assured her. Jisoo unnie was staring at me and I can see that she's been holding back her tears. She looked away.

"Thank you, Unnies. I really don't know what to do anymore. I've been pretending that I was okay but I really need to let it all out and this is the place where I can truly show how I feel- a wreck."

"You're always welcome here, Chae. You are our little sister and we will protect you at all cost."

I really wanted to stay there for more but it's getting late and I needed to see Lisa. I miss her.