Can you fix my heart? 💙ChaeLisa💜

Day Five: Friday💔

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness, errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings and tarnishings."

I was deliberating if I should go pack my things or not. There's still a part of me waiting for some miracle to happen but knowing the new Lisa, I lost my hope. I began packing since I don't want her to see me.

I'm in the mood to cook food today. I made galbi, lettuce wrap, kimchi, kimbap and mandoo plus I also made a cake.

"Why did you cook so many? What's the occasion?" Lisa asked. She forgot.

"Nothing, I'm just in the mood to cook. Take a seat, Lis and eat."

"I'm not in the mood to eat today. You shouldn't have cooked, it's a waste of money." She said.

"I'll just give it to the kids at the orphanage if you don't like." I said.

"Are you going out today?" She asked. It's been the longest conversation we've ever had since god knows how long.

"Yes, I might go to museum. I'll be home by 9pm" I said and kissed her cheeks

"Okay."

I changed my clothes, I have a lot of things to do today, I packed the food and went straight to the orphanage. I felt happy seeing Lily, she came running to me and rained kisses on my face.

"I miss you, mommy." She said pouting, she's really cute. I can't get over

"Mommy misses you too, baby. I made you a cake, do you want to eat?" I asked

"Cake! Cake! I want" she exclaimed. She look so happy and she's like my new breather, giving me life.

I gave the food that I made to Sister Martha so she can distibute it to other kids too. Lily and I were eating and I'm feeding her.

"Delicious, mommy" she said while clapping her hands.

"Is it? Did mommy do a great job?" I asked

"Yes. more, mommy." They do have some similarities, I can really see Lisa in her but this baby is way cuter and she has a different charisma.

I spent 2 hours at the orphanage, playing with Lily and reading her some stories. I'm starting to love this child even more. It's weird how she can give me strength, it's like I can conquer everything with her by my side.

"Baby, mommy needs to go, I promise, I'll come back and mommy will make sure that we will never be apart." I can see tears in her eyes but I have to fight back my tears and endure a little more, in no time, we will never be apart and I will take care of her. I'll spend my life, loving this child.

Lily hugged me kissed my cheeks for I think 20 times?😂 and I kissed her cheeks too, she seems happy when I did that. This kid really made my day. I looked at the clock and it's already 6pm. I lost track of time and decided not to go to the museum, I went to a convenience store and bought soju. It's the last day, can I just forget the pain for a while?

I went home and opened the door.. I froze and my eyes suddenly clouded with tears. I regret coming home this early. How painful it is to see the person you love, kissing someone else. I lost my grip on the soju that I was holding, the glass was shattered and so was my heart.

That's it. That's my cue to give up on you.

"C-chae?" I heard her say. I quickly ran into my room and locked the door. And there, I had my mental breakdown. I was crying non-stop and I can feel my anxiety's going to attack any minute. I promised myself that I won't cry but this time it was different, it's like I just wanted someone to kill me, perhaps, I wanted Lisa to kill me so I won't feel the pain anymore but she's slowly killing me, torturing me and this time I've had enough. I let my guards down and let anxiety and sadness take over me. I was catching my breath, my arms and knees were weak and my hands were sweaty. I was hyperventilating. I wanted to scream and ran to get away with what I feel. I just weep like there's no tomorrow

"Chae, open the door, let's talk please?" Now you wanted to talk? But I was so hurt, I really don't care anymore.

"Please, open this door. I'm begging you, Chae."

I don't have the energy. I didn't know what to do, what to say, or what to feel. All I ever feel was broken and emptiness.
My body felt numb and my eyes hurt from non-stop crying. It's like when the first tear broke free, the rest will follow like a broken stream, it's really hard for me to stop. I guess people were right when they told me that the one you love the most, will also cause you a great pain. But I really don't know how to start over, it may sound stupid but she's the only one who can fix me.
My mind was plagued with unwanted thoughts and I can't seem to get away with it. I let out a dysphoric sigh and I can feel the tears forming in my eyes again. I covered my mouth with my hands so she won't know that I was crying.

I deactivated my accounts today. I got my phone and read all the messages from my family, Lisa's mom, and the two unnies.

"Happy Birthday, Self."