My mom always used to tell me that, when you can't sleep, count sheep. What she never explained to me was what to do when, every time you close your eyes, you see haunting images of your own hellish experiences. All I could picture when I closed my eyes was the fire that could have, and probably should have, killed me and several of my friends, my brothers.
When I finally got to sleep, I had a nightmare of the day, which woke me up. Things might not be so bad if my wife was here, but she was working at Molly's tonight, leaving me alone. I thought about calling her, but it just didn't feel right. Why should I interrupt her work with a bad dream?
I sighed and sat up in bed, turning on the light beside me. As I did so, I saw the clock reading 12:23 am. Gabby wouldn't be home until 1, great, plenty of time to not sleep. I groaned, throwing the blankets off of myself and getting up. I walked to the living room and sat on the couch, deciding to watch some tv until she returned.
As I watched the highlights from a previous Blackhawks' game, I must've fallen asleep because, next thing I know, I was seeing images from the fire. I immediately sat up, breathing heavy and feeling sweat on my face.
I screamed, standing up and punching the wall beside me, my fist breaking through. I pulled my arm out of the wall and sat on the floor, irritated and pissed that I couldn't escape the memories of that fire. I began crying, my emotions all over the place.
I didn't even hear the door open or anyone come in. All I remember was Gabby suddenly being in front of me, wiping the tears off my cheeks.
"What happened? What's wrong, Matt?" She asked.
I couldn't even form words, I just leaned forward and cried into her shoulder, her embrace comforting me a little.
"Matt, calm down. It's okay, baby. I'm right here, shh." She said, rubbing my back. "What's wrong?"
"The fire. I can't...can't escape it." I made out.
"You keep having nightmares from the fire?"
I nodded. "I can't get away. All I see is the flames!"
"Hey, it's okay. Let's go to bed, come on."
We went to bed together, but even her presence couldn't get rid of the images in my head. I had the nightmare again. I shot up in bed, on the verge of having a total breakdown.
As I breathed heavy, trembled, and felt my heart racing against my chest, Gabby turned on the light and sat up beside me. She looked me over and held my face in her hands. "Honey, you're having a panic attack. Breathe with me, Okay? Deep breath, in...and out. Good, keep doing that. Focus on me."
After about 10 minutes, I calmed down again and fell into Gabby's embrace. "What is wrong with me?"
"Baby, nothing is wrong with you. You're human. It's okay, alright?"
I nodded, feeling safe in her arms when the doorbell rang.
"Who is that?" I asked.
"I called Will while you were calming down. I asked him to bring a sedative for you so you can sleep tonight without the nightmares." She explained, going to answer the door.
When they both returned, I tried to protest. "I don't need drugs, I'll be okay. I can sleep without them." I tried, Gabby shaking her head.
"You just had a panic attack, accept the sedative and just enjoy being able to sleep without nightmares tonight." Will persuaded, getting me to just nod and let him do it.
He pushed the sedative and, finally, I was lulled into a dreamless sleep.
