Rylie: AARON, PLEASE ANSWER YOUR PHONE.
Carter: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
CAMERON: TEXT BACK. ANSWER THE PHONE. WE NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE ALRIGHT.
Derrick: AARON, PLEASE CHECK IN CALL OR TEXT ONE OF US AND LET US KNOW IF YOU'RE OKAY.
Kelly: PLEASE CALL ME, LOVE.
I can't figure out why but my fingers start dialing her number before my brain can tell me to stop.
It rings.
I should hang up.
It rings again.
My thumb hovers over the red button.
Three rings.
Just when I'm about to call it quits her alarmed voice springs from the other side.
She calls my name, it's loud, dramatic, a little frantic.
I burst into tears.
I can't stop myself. I was tired, hungry, alone. The last factor shouldn't have been affecting me the way it was but it was squeezing my chest and making me realize how god awful the feeling was. I thought I had gotten passed it by now. My brain had obviously fooled me.
"Aaron, honey, I need you to breathe. I need you talk to me tell me where you are."
She can't see me but I shake my head frantically sucking in harsh breaths. The feeling in my chest grows tighter.
"He-I-"
The feeling could be described as drowning. Like you're being pulled under and all you want to do is take a breath. That's all I want to do. I want to get my words out. I can't.
"Aaron-"
"Lied-me-go back-"
"Honey, just breathe."
"I can't."
The most pathetic sound that rips from my throat. Like a strangled sob. Blood was rushing in my ears. Kelly's voice sounds like a mere whisper compared to the pounding in my chest. It sounds like it's beating outside of me. Like its physically pounding one thousand times faster than it should.
I think she's cursing. I think she's yelling. My back is against the glass panel of the bus shelter. I'm sitting on the pavement. Focus on that voice. I whisper it to myself. Trying to get my brain to comply.
I've had to get myself out of panic attacks before. So I let everything stop. I hold my breath and count to three before letting it go. I do it again and again until Kelly's voice sounds less like it's on the other side of the world but instead right in my ear again.
"Aaron? Hello?"
"I'm fine."
She let's out a breath, "oh goodness, Where are you? I can-"
I sniffle wiping tears that continue to fall from my eyes, "I am not going back there and I'm not staying with people who don't trust me and to be quite honest I'm not sure where I am but I'm so fucking tired and I haven't eaten in hours and-and-"
"Aaron, stop and breathe. Just breathe."
"Everything is just so bad right now and I can't talk about it and I can't tell anyone because no one fucking cares about me. I just don't know what to do anymore."
"Aaron, I care about you."
"Stop lying to me."
"Tell me what's been going on? We can talk about it but I need you to tell me where you are."
I was crying again. It sounds like I'm in agony. I am, "Just stop it."
"Sweetheart-"
"I just want to fucking die already."
"Don't say that. Do not-"
"That's all I want but instead I keep getting thrown from house to house with all these different people and all this horrible shit happens to me and just can't end it. I keep putting myself through this and for what? What am I here for? Can you please tell me why I'm still here, Kelly? Can you honestly give me a good reason?"
The line stays silent.
I wait.
For the first time in what seems like forever I was finally being honest with myself. I kept telling myself I was alive because I was this strong fighter. But I wasn't. I kept telling myself I was staying on this planet as a human for Destiny. She died. I kept telling myself I was still here because Derrick cares. He doesn't. So I told myself it was for the baby. That's the biggest lie. Then it was for Rylie.
A part of me still wants to be here for him.
I can't hear anything but what sounds like a soft cry. Kelly sounds like she's sobbing on the other end and then I hear a male voice in the background before he picks up the phone. Her fiancé. I can't remember his name. I don't even listen to what he's saying before I speak over him.
"I'm sorry," I don't know what I'm apologizing for but I feel like I have to and then I hang up and throw the phone into the street before I watch it get rolled over by an oncoming car. It smashes into a few broken pieces. Some parts looked shattered. It's hard to tell under the lights of the street lamps. I don't know if I throw it out of rage or because I'm that fed up but either way I didn't want it anymore.
I didn't want anything.
•••
Did I ever give Kellys fiancé a name? Does anyone remember it? 'Cause I can't.
Also: vote, comment, and share if you'd like.
- C.
° 30 (PT. II)
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