𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥

40; alone again

4 months later

I sit there the darkness overlapping my sight, the pounding in my chest and the tear beneath my eye sparkling from the small lamp in my room. I couldn't piece anything together anymore, it's 4:22am. He hasn't called, he hasn't texted, they haven't seen me, they haven't messaged. Battles fought in my head, in my heart and in my dreams, the stupid screams piercing my soul and ears each night again. My mother once descended the steps in yellow, swaying sundress to her ankles, her beautiful figure and clear skin shimmering like an angel. The screaming had stopped but only for a slight moment for her to touch my face gently and whisper "a ship is safe at shore but that's no what it's built for" before she disappeared into thin air a few steps below where she left me gobsmacked. I haven't slept for 3 days. The covers and blankets where bunched at my body the soft material tickling my bare sides, the sports bra with pink and blue on it on my chest and his old sweatpants elasticated to my waist. It was cold, winter barely weeks away, the L.A weather not vanishing but dropping rapidly.

"Please call." I whispered into the air. He hadn't spoke to me in a while, the all hadn't and I didn't know why.

I had called him multiple times but he never returned them.

I had knocked on their door 6 times but their laughter was no where to be found.

I had waited for over 2 months but that hadn't made a move.

I was confused, lost in the constant unfinished equation on how I ended up here. Zach, my boyfriend opening everything but not talking to me, the boys, my best friends ignoring me and Mabel, my soul sister drifted away in the wind with excuses. I hadn't eaten, I hadn't left my room, I hadn't spoken to anyone. Ma and Pa had called millions of times up those beautiful stairs but hadn't set one foot in the attic of my bedroom. Tears slipped down my checks every hour wishing for what I had only months ago to still be mine. Zach had never broken up with me and either had I but I was starting to question whether if we were together or not, it seemed pretty obvious but I didn't have that reason I needed to let go. The time was still ticking at the pillows were perfect from where my head had not rested as the birds chirped outside my large white window, the sun filling the room facing the east. I had gone through my playlist over 15 times in the last week and each song was now bleak to me not even my favourites could pick up my mood or swing me to sleep that I desperately needed but couldn't get.

6:38am, another all nighter. My feet hit the cold wooden floor as I pull on some jeans and an old sweater of mum's as I pull my hair into a messy bun and slipping on my slides. I blew my nose into a tissue and grabbed my phone before climbing out the window stepping onto the tiled rooftop the sunset just finishing with its vibrant colours blessing my eyes. The big branches of the oak tree felt rough under my feet as I climbed my way down like I used to when I was 12. I was doing more with my life at 12 compared to 17 it's sad. The boys and Mabel had missed my birthday and I had spent it alone till dinner when I tried to force down Ma's beautiful cake but it had just resulted in throwing it up half an hour later in the toilet bowl. I couldn't eat anymore, it always came back up and I couldn't stop it. My large mirror showed my ribs sticking out from underneath my stretched skin. I would have been worried a month ago but now it doesn't bother how I'm just bones without a cause. I climbed into the car shutting the door quietly not to bring attention from inside my home. I started the ignition and stepped my foot on the accelerator speeding off down the lonely street and lonely neighbourhood. I could hardly process anything happening around me, my eyes dark in the review mirror making me want to cry at how weak I am. I'm hopeless now, a lost cause, a bigger no body then before and stuck in a tighter glass cabinet. I missed everyone and I didn't know how to fix any of it. If I just knew why people left me I'd do all the things I could in my will to mend them. I would bring back mother, I'd change my father, I'd find my way back to Zach and the boys, I'd spend time with Mabel but I don't know. I feel like I'll never know ever and even if I tried I've never been good enough how would I fix it all. The doors slide open to the drugstore, the door beeping annoyingly as I step inside. I head to the medication isle quickly scanning the shelves for Panadol and sleep meds but I couldn't even find panadol because of my blurred vision. Stop crying you whimp. You are in the middle of the fucking store.

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Corbyn's P.O.V:

How I ended up her buying tampons and pads. I don't know. Meredith had shaked me awake with the blinds down and her gorgeous black sleek hair hanging around her face. I thought she just wanted a good morning kiss but oh no I got the "quick Corbyn, I'm on my period!" Which made me want to punch myself twenty times in the face but I loved her too much to care too much. So I drove to five stores which were all closed and opening at 7:30 but I had 45 minutes was something I didn't want to wait, I just wanted to slip back under the soft sheets and wrap my arms around Mere's soft fragile body. I found a drugstore close to the pizza place we all love. I walked through the sliding doors the noise ringing in my ear. Where to start. I look through the junk food isle, the magazine isle, the health food isle, maybe it would be in the medication isle..? I step my new yeezees squeak against the disgusting floor my hands fall to my sides and my heatbeat stops for a second as I see her white jumper with Texas 0.2 on the sleeves in black writing wiping her white face and his old grey sweatpants that went missing all those months ago baggy around her legs. Her face looked dull and pale with her hair knotty but tied into a messy bun. I wanted to grip her, tell her everything but we'd all sworn we would never tell her or talk to her again, I didn't want to, I argued for days on end till Jack calmed me saying it was best just to suck it up for the band. I had held everything in trying not to call her back or messaged her. I unfollowed her on Instagram, I had bought Meredith tickets all the time to visit and distract me and my friendship with Zach had weakened.

"Corbyn?" I felt weak in the knees at her croaky voice and the ringing from the door was repeating in my ears.

"Uh Abigail."

"You never call me that. Well called." She sighed stepping towards me reaching to touch my arm which made all the muscles tingle under her touch. Don't hug her. Don't smile at her. Don't move.

"Corbyn are you going to talk or is it going to be like the past 4 months." I stared into her ocean eyes the ones Zach used to talk for hours about and I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay from her. I pulled her into a tight hug, her body was hardly existent under my arms. It was like hugging twigs, no muscle, no fat.

"I'm sorry" I whisper into her ear. She whimpers, I was never there for her. I had just left her selfishly for Zach and for myself selfishly, we had ditched the girl who deserved the world for a dumb blonde who was a bitch to everyone but Zach. She wasn't genuine like Abbey was and who never made me laugh like she does.

"Why-y-y Corb-b-bs" she sobbed. I couldn't find words that made sense to give her answers.

"I can't see you. I'm sorry. I'll tell you everything but Meredith- she needs me but. Pass me your phone I'll put my new number and we can catch up for pancakes or something- oh my god Abbey I've missed you so much but I can't be seen."

"Meredith? Can't be seen?" I sigh wishing to tell her everything but I couldn't, I'd be breaking up the band which was the only thing driving me.

"Uh my girlfriend. I will tell you everything." She sniffled but half smiled pulling away

"Get it Corbitch. I'll talk to you soon."

"Yes. Goodbye Abbey" I whispered in the isle eyeing off the drugs in her hand worrying me as she walked away with her same old strut. I was making a death wish but she was worth it surely. Now tampons. Fuck.

"Wait Abbey!"

"Yes?"

"Um can you show me where the tampons and pads are..?"
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Hello my loves!!!!! Finally got something good to write about so hopefully quick updates for a while! Also I love Loren so don't think I'm bagging her out I just wanted a super pretty girl to cause Drama cause cliche is my calling ya.

I have so many things to say and ask ahhhhhhh

First of all Trust Fund Baby is an absolute bop! It's so different to their other music though...

Should I do a sequel for this??? It's going to be ending soon and I don't know if it's worth it or to write about the other boys. Thoughts?

Third what do you actually think about Abigail!?

That's all from me sistersssss
Have a bloody ripper day my babes xxxx
Alluring Heart xx