In Paris (Under Major Editing)

Chapter Fifty-Four

FIFTY-FOUR.

When I finally was in the apartment, I locked the door and instead of collapsing on my bed, my body falls directly in the couch as I cry my eyes out.

After the incident at the cafeteria earlier, I waste no time to stay in school. In short, I cut class. I escaped at the fire exit at the very back of the school and it’s a good thing no one notices me. I know that I wouldn’t be able to go through the whole day with people having their judgmental glances at me.

Why Chen, Bernadel and Heather did that? Why did they have to announce at the whole cafeteria about my dirty little secret? And I can’t understand what Chen says about me ruining her life, when it’s actually she’s the one who ruined my reputation and my trust for her. I get attention more than her? It’s that only the problem? Well that is not my damn fault because I didn’t crave for it. I’d rather be in the very corner unnoticed than having people looked at you with judgmental eyes.

I know she’s still beyond pissed about Matt and I. It’s been a year and two years on May. She already had Matt herself. She betrayed me. She went flirting with my fucking ex boyfriend behind my back while I’m trying my best to be a faithful girlfriend. And she even pretended that she’s still my friend. Then she left me when Matt got my innocence by force, knowing that it was all Matt wanted ever since. What could she even ask from me after all the shit they put me through?

But somehow, I blamed myself over everything that happened in the past. I’m the one who got so blind and stupid in love and I didn’t even notice the betrayal behind it. And I can’t believe I’m still thinking about this because I know I should forget this by now. But the little devil wanted a throwback and shared it in campus.

I’m still trapped in my shitty past and I don’t know how I’ll be able to let go of that. You think it’s easy? Well, it’s not. How can you forget when the person that you loved the most just toyed you? And the friends that you once think is true, just turn back on you and showed their true colors. You can’t tell everyone what the whole damn story behind everything because you’re so ashamed of it.

This is the time where I really need Steph and Bri. Before Ejhay, they are the first ones who actually knew about Matt raping me. They even convinced me to tell it to the police but of course, being the stupid one, I denied it. I just don’t fucking understand myself how much I still love him that time when he did the most worst thing to me. I had every right to find justice or avenge for myself, but I didn’t do it. Because even how many times I punched his face or locked him in jail, the incident happened and I can’t do anything about it. You can’t change the past.

But when he came into my life, I completely forgot about it.

No. I shouldn’t be thinking of him. If I keep on thinking of him, moving on was no use. I mean Fevy even hid all of the things that remind me of him, the pictures at the carnival, the panda, the black shirt and even the necklace. And I don’t have no idea where the heck she hide it. The only thing that makes me remind of him is the tattoo inked in my wrist. She knows it will remind me of him so she gave me a lot of bracelet to cover it. I removed the bracelets and stared at the tattoo.

August 23, 2013.

I don’t know if I felt regretful of meeting him or not. I’m literally confused.

Paris.

The name of the city surprisingly popped in my mind. I always consider that as my paradise, him and I’s paradise. But right now, I don’t know. Paris may look like paradise because of its beauty. But paradise should be a place or a location just to feel it?

I’ve got a lot of unanswered questions in my life. They say death can answer all life’s questions.

You want to know the answers now?