Crestfallen

2: To disappear.

*****

"Haibara..." Conan softly called her name. 

She looked at him.

"What?" she asked flatly, but deep inside, she was getting nervous. She felt a pang of guilt with just the sight of him being stressed.

He didn't answer. He just stared at her, his cobalt blue eyes penetrating her soul. He seems to be having difficulty forming his words.

Haibara sighed. "I understand if you do not want to talk to me again Kudo-kun. Well, it can't be helped. I failed you."

Conan's eyes widened at what she said. He was about to protest when she cut him. "But the kids are getting suspicious. They are noticing the change. So I am asking you to bear with me for some time, Kudo-kun. Don't worry, it won't be that long now." she stated meaningfully, the last sentence said barely in a whisper. She doesn't know if he heard her. 

She was planning to disappear from his life. After all, her role was done. It was useless to stay. She was the constant reminder to him of all the misfortunes he had. She need to disappear in order for him to at least have a normal life. Well, that's what she hoped. But being unable to turn back to his original identity would be the ultimate reason why it will not be normal anymore. Never again.

"What do you mean?"

Her musing was interrupted by his question.

'Oh, so he heard me.' she thought.

"It means that I will go away as soon as possible, detective. I know you can't bear to see me any longer. I am the constant reminder that you can't go back to her anymore,after all. I apologize for not keeping the other part of the bargain, Sherlock. It wasn't what I intended but it just happened."

"You can't go away now!" he protested, the tone in his voice higher than usual.

"Why? Isn't that what you wanted?"she asked in a surprised voice.

For all she know, he hated her. Maybe, even loathed her. She was the reason he became like this.

He can't seem to meet her eyes. "What about Hakase? The kids? You're just going to leave them?"

'And me?' he asked in his thoughts. He can't seem to blurt it out. 

"They will get used to it. Besides, it's not much of a difference. I'm not even supposed to be a part of their world." she answered casually.

He glared at her. There she is again with all her negative thoughts. She was seeing herself as worthless again... and for some unknown reason, he hated it.

"Admit it, Kudo-kun. Life will be a lot more normal if I'm not here." she added before swiftly walking away, not even giving the chance to reply.

He can't help but just stare at her retreating back.

*****

She was in the basement again. Recently, even though there was no more antidote to create, she found herself still going in the lab. She finds solitude in there.

She pondered on her thoughts again.

She thought of her sister, and all those rare times they were together.

"Don't worry, onee-chan. I'll be joining you soon." she whispered as she closed her eyes to let her memories drown her again.

Ah... how she hated herself. How she hated that she was relieved and disappointed at the same time about the result of the antidote. Yes, despite all the guilt, she felt a tinge of relief when she found out that he cannot go back to her anymore as Kudo Shinichi. And she hated herself for it. It was wrong, she knew...but she can't help it. The feelings for him that she had hidden so well seems to swell about the result. Just maybe, she has a chance. But no, definitely no. She already felt guilty. She cannot take advantage of the situation.

Again, she sighed. When she said she'd disappear earlier, she had mean it. Not that kind of disappearing like leaving, but that kind where you cease your existence. She was planning on ending her life. 

Well, for her, only death awaits to a traitor like her. Surely, she didn't end up dead in their fight with the organization... thanks to the detective. But she cannot escape her fate. She will die sooner or later, so she had decided.

'Life is not worth living after all.'

She thought as she walk stealthily outside Hakase's house. She was walking thoughtlessly, yet her feet seem to know where they are going. It's going to the direction of a nearby cliff, several kilometers away.

*****

A/N: I'll update since I still have time. Please tell me what you think about this chapter. Thanks! ❤❤❤