In Darkness and In Light

The wanderer

{Robyn POV}

A couple weeks had passed since Harold's arrest but I was still struggling to cope with it all.

I wanted desperately to forget about him, but he was a man who had been a constant disruption in my life. He had followed me all my life, intervened and changed the way I lived without me even knowing. There were things that were forgivable, simple things like him not helping when something stupid happened. From tripping over my own feet from my untied laces or locking my keys into my car and now realising he had been there, watching the whole time.

But then there were things I could never forgive and forget. I could never forgive him for the pain he caused and the anguish and torment I went through after my miscarriage. How I laid awake at nights asking myself why, I was fit and healthy, slightly older than most first time moms but I had it all going for me..

It was him that put a stop to that.

I realised that after a while I didn't care about him cutting my hair, taking my panties or having some creepy ass set up. He had committed a crime on my soul when he stole my chance of being a mom. Now every night I cuddle into Zak and protect my tummy with my arm in case he comes back..

Jim had rang a few days after the arrest telling me he was in a detention facility until trial, that no bail would be grated for the severity of his case and that he had admitted to everything, it was now just a case of getting all the evidence together and having him prosecuted.

I wanted him to leave this world, I didn't want to share the same oxygen as him. But that slowly changed when I realised Death is exactly how he would prefer it. I wanted him to suffer, to have days where he's going out of his mind, where he feels dead inside because he has nothing to remind himself of me. I wanted him to suffer like I suffered, ache like I ached and maybe cry like I wailed in Zak's arms.

I would never forgive him for destroying my first opportunity with Zak, a crazy as it sounds, my life could be very different right now as I had no doubt in my mind that when I met him, the planets aligned. But a black hole snapped them apart again.

I'd spend hours day dreaming whilst soothing a hand over my tummy. Pausing occasionally when I felt a bubble popping feeling which I had now learnt was our cub moving.

I imagined that myself and Zak would be sat together on the couch watching our children play, Gracie would be out there chancing bubbles our daughter blew, or stealing the football our son kicked. I imagined our family, how we could have had more than one child, been married and lived in a house with flowerbeds and dog toys scattered over the lawn.

But we didn't. That opportunity was taken, but this little cub was the start of our lives. Of my life as a family, to be a mom and love unconditionally.

I found it hard to leave the house, some days I'd leave no problem, others, I thought of 30 reasons why it's best I stay home.

We were now at 30 as Zak upped the level every time, but by the time I got to 5 he would always let me off seeing the panic and struggling on my face.

But I did make the effort every night to walk with him and Gracie on the community. I didn't like leaving the community longer than what we have to. I was just thankful we were on a season break for Christmas and new year.

The mirror was no longer my friend, it seemed every time I looked into it I was bigger, rounder and although I had an amazing glow, I was still hiding it from Aaron, Jay and Zak's family. My only advantage was that December was a busy month, everyone was rushing to buy presents, to organise their homes and make the most of the season break they were granted at work.