In Darkness and In Light

When Love bites

"Oh it's good to be ho- where are you going?" Zak asked seeing that I was sorting myself out to go out again.

"I have something to do.. I swear I won't be long."

"What?" He asked stepping in my path bringing me to stop.

"It's not important, nothing to worry about. I'll be quick." I answered as I slipped past his hand caught my wrist bringing me to a stop.

"We are okay aren't we? I mean after the RV..."

I nodded "Of course, it's just a few things I need to do." I tiptoed up pressing a kiss on his cheek. He didn't seem convinced and let go of my wrist begrudgingly.

"I love you." I smiled.

"You too." He mumbled before heading off into the kitchen and disappearing.

I stayed there for a few seconds debating on whether to leave or not. A part of me felt like he wasn't telling me the whole truth about the lockdown but who was I to call him out.. Especially in my position.

Taking a breath I grabbed my keys and headed out quickly determined to make the shopping trip quick. Very, very quick.

******

You come shopping for a new wardrobe, what do you buy first? I didn't know where to start! So I was stood in the shop looking like a lemon as I started at all the clothes. Admittedly I had began going through the rails so I didn't look overwhelmed. But I couldn't handle having someone baby me in a store, even if they were trying to help.

I figured out starting with pjs and underwear would be my start and boy was there a lot.

I didn't have a problem buying chemise, or little short shorts to sleep in, underwear, never a problem but when I came towards the lingerie I stopped. I didn't know what to do, since the miscarriage we hadn't been intimate. Before we never had a problem tearing off our clothes and throwing ourselves at each other, but now it felt different. I felt... I felt guilty.

I didn't know why, I couldn't explain it. But I knew Zak couldn't go celibate, that man was taking cold showers to calm himself down now... I couldn't let him do that forever!

I picked up a few pieces and placed them into my basket as the guilt nibbled at my conscious. I had to move on from this, I couldn't live my life wondering and waiting for answers. Even if it pained me thinking of it.

Next was outfits, feminine... I tried to look at the dresses, some were beautiful, others were impractical. I had to be thinking of work too in these decisions as I picked up a few maxi dresses, 2 skirts and some knee high socks. Cardigans, tops, some jeans, and finally shoes.

By the time I stepped out the shopping mall, I resembled a donkey, all saddled up and struggling to carry anymore.

I headed back to the car and shoved the bags in the back seat before sighing "God damn that was expensive.."

I couldn't repeat some of the prices, I was still coming to terms with it. The tedious drive home in the Vegas traffic had me one step way from head banging the steering wheel. But I was determined to get home quicker than what I could just so I could finally sit down and speak with Zak.

Maybe he knew about the messages?

I hadn't checked today, I didn't want too either. But a part of me was curious, I wanted to know if they were my family, a part of me wanted answers.