In Darkness and In Light

Lose control and build on trust

I stood at the bedroom door watching Zak sleep, it was late and we had arrived back home hours ago. Deep in my mind I presumed that if we got home, then maybe we could try to get back to normal. I was wrong.

Despite the heart to heart on the RV and promises of never to have a repeating performance if that incident, I couldn't bring myself to get into bed. To lay beside him, I knew I'd dream tonight as a line had been crossed....

I'd experienced violence with Justin, I had the apologies, the reasons or excuses and then we moved on from it tried to work through it. But then it would happen again. Each time, alcohol had influenced Justin's temper, when he didn't drink, he was... normal? I guess I could use that word. That's normal if you ignore the spiteful comments here and then.

But I looked at Zak now, curled up holding my pillow against his chest. I knew the only reason for him sleeping was the fact he had been awake the previous night for his lockdown. Otherwise he would have been awake, much like I was now.

Was he violent? Would he do it again?

I knew the answer was no, his own actions terrified him and since the RV we haven't been able to touch each other. Not even a hand hold. He was frightened too as I had tried to instigate it and he took his hand away whispering a sorry.

His apology was sincere, that I knew for certain.

However I still came home and made sure I knew were my passport was, I still found myself mentally picking clothes out to take with me if I was to leave.

How could I leave him when I was the one to hit him first? I broke the barrier. I had slapped him the day before and we got past it with sex.  Now the tables were turned and it was as if none of us had done it before. He was walking on eggshells and I was worried sick.

I moved away from the bedroom door and returned to the lounge, pulling a blanket up around my body, I put on the TV and began watching Lord of the Rings. At least if he asked, I could say I fell asleep in front of the TV.

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The next morning..

I woke up to gentle touches, letting out a grumble from the pain in my neck I opened my eyes and found Zak knelt on the floor tending to my hand.

How can I see him in a bad light when he does nothing but care for me?

My mind solidified that yesterday was a mistake, an isolated incident that wasn't going to happen again.

"Morning." I whispered.

"Morning." He responded looking half asleep still. "You never made it to bed last night."

"Lord of the Rings. The nerd coming out in me." I replied.

"Or you were avoiding coming to bed.." he replied looking at me.

My eyes met his and I knew guilty was wrote across my forehead.

"I understand. But please use a bedroom, you'll do yourself no justice on that couch. I should know. Or I'll take an upstairs bedroom? If that helps. I don't mind." He shrugged.

"Sorry.."

"No, you have nothing to be sorry for. I get it, I really do..." he trailed off looking at the bandage on my hand.