In Darkness and In Light

Best served cold

I kept a low profile at our one stop back to Vegas. Whilst Zak, Aaron and Bacon walked ahead, I was left behind trying to focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

Not because I couldn't walk, but because my eyes were blurry from the stupid tears that kept coming up. No matter how hard I wiped my face or fanned myself, I had sprung a leak.

I always tried to strength myself, throughout my entire life I tried to be stronger, tougher, braver. But with him? I couldn't.

I used to take those beatings as a child and think 'The next time... I won't cry'.

When Justin got angry? 'I will make sure to keep him happy and if that fails? I'll stand my ground.'

But Zak? He was my Achilles... Without him, I had nothing.

I had become solely reliant upon Zak since coming back to Vegas and maybe that was a commitment he didn't want. We were always together, home and work. Lockdowns he had alone as I had the night alone but the rest of the time? We were together..

Walking around the store, my tear ducts kept going causing my hoody sleeves to get wet as I wiped my eyes and carried on. I collected what I needed and returned to the RV. Whilst waiting for them to come back, I also found my rosary and changed them over putting Zak's spare, back into his pillow.

Hearing their voices, I stood up. Hearing Zak's voice, my heart picked up.

I grabbed the things I bought and waited shifting foot to foot.

"Shotgun!" Aaron called meaning he was in the passenger seat.

"Go ahead, I got to sort something out." Zak replied.

The footsteps began towards me, my anxiety ramped up tenfold waiting to see him when a white tissue came through the door on an extended hand.

I watched Zak wave the tissue in surrender before stepping in carefully.

Seeing his face I whimpered and held out a mini pot of cookies and cream ice-cream with a spoon. 

His shoulders sagged as he pulled out the exact same. I let the tears fall as I rushed into his chest holding him.

"Oh baby." He hushed as I cried quietly.

"I-I'll g-go." I hiccuped.

"Go where?" He asked pulling me back and holding my face.

"F-find somewhere else t-to live."

"No, no I don't that. I shouldn't have said that." He whispered brushing his thumbs across my cheeks.

"I didn't mean it, I swear. Look I got it. I'll wear it all the time. I'm not like her, I'm not."

"I know Roo.."

"But you sai-"

"I know. Stop, stop these."

"I can't! This is what you do to me, I can't lose you too and I know I've got baggage and that I'm unloveable but you make me feel loved and I don't want that to go away." I sobbed.

"Hey! Now you stop." He ordered. I held my breath but my chin was wobbling too much. "You are not unloveable and who gives a fuck about baggage? You've had one hell of a life Robyn, don't you ever apologise for that. Look at me."

I looked at his eyes as he continued "You're tougher than this."

"I'm not." I whispered shaking my head but his hands tightened holding my head still.

"You are. You give me strength. The lockdown last night pulled something bad up, within me... It's not effecting me but it's clouding my moods. There's also something else..."

"Did you sleep with that lady at the hotel? Was that where you were? I get it, I'm not like her, I don't dress like her and I'm always crying bu-"

"Her? Oh god no.. No. She's a friend of my moms. A cougar but no. Her names Lynn. 5th husband and counting. I think she could be a human black widow, you know fucks them, kills them and eats them. But doesn't eat and at least 3 of her ex husbands have lived. She tried to flirt with me all the time but I swear, that's a no go zone..." He shook his head.

"But she-"

"She was everything I wanted in a woman years ago, a quick fuck and out the door still putting her clothes on. I've grown up since then, matured. I got you."

"But I'm a mess."

"Then you're my mess. Please stop crying, please?"

"You never answered my question and I th-"

"What question? What one? Ask me again and I'll answer it." He demanded.

"Are you finishing with me?"

"No. We been through way too much and you think I'd travel to North Dakota and bring you back home to just throw you out on the street?" He asked.

"But I hurt you.."

"It was an accident.. Wasn't it?" He questioned.

I nodded instantly "I swear, I'll wear this all the time. I won't take it off if it means I don't do that again."

He smiled slightly "Now... What happened in that dream?"

"You.. You cheated on me with that woman." I mumbled embarrassed.

"Oh."

"You wouldn't stop and I was shouting at you too, but you wouldn't."

"Okay. Now you gotta understand that was a dream. I've been cheated in before and it hurts. I wouldn't do that to you."

"Sorry."

"Stop saying sorry." He  sighed pulling me into him again and holding onto me.

"So-" I paused and let out a soft breath.

"Sorry for shouting at you." Zak apologised making me hug him tighter.

After a kiss on my head we stepped apart and exchanged ice-cream pots. Taking our pots we sat on the bed snuggled against each other.

"Always remember Robyn. No matter what is going on, whether we argue or it is something to do with work.. You're my penguin." Zak smiled down to me.

I returned his smile and place my head on his shoulder.

I had my King penguin back, but I still had a secret. One that was going to eat away at my soul until I told him.

It was no good... I had to tell him.