In Darkness and In Light

His first true love

"Don't be stupid!" He snapped back.

"Then help me understand! Why didn't you let me explain?!"

"Because it's not his business! It's nobody's business!" He barked before pinching his nose. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you."

"Why didn't you defend yourself?" I questioned worried about him.

"Because I'm embarrassed." He began making me swallow down the thick lump in my throat.

"Of me.." I mumbled, knowing how this was going to go down.

"No, of me. I'm embarrassed of myself. Be honest with yourself Robyn, I let you down. I've let you down, fuck I'm letting you down!"

My brows furrowed together hearing it "How are you? How have you?" I asked leaning back against the door.

"I should be supporting you, I should be making every day count and I'm stuck working behind a screen! I'm flooded with emails and I haven't got a single moment to spend with you or with Gracie. You're asking me and I'm trying to find time but I jus-"

"We can wait." I interrupted knowing how busy he was with the show, his museum as well as appointments and meetings.

"You shouldn't have to! I'm embarrassed because I should have come after you sooner! I should have done more whilst you were on your own! I let you down!"

"No you haven't."

"Yes I have! I've turned a blind eye to everything!" He growled at me angrily.

"Like what?! You're not making any sense!" I answered in confusion.

"I hear you! In your sleep, I hear your crying and I can't stop it!" He shouted before closing his eyes and sighing.

I watched him as he shook his head "I'm letting you down every time."

"Maybe we need time apart? I- I don't know what to say or suggest. But if I'm making you tired then maybe I should go in a hotel? Would that be eas-"

"No. No I need you here. I'm just tired and I know you can't help it. I'm just worried that my lack support has caused the nightmares."

My shoulders sagged "No. Zak I had nightmares before this started. Sometimes it's what has happened, sometimes I wake and still think there's a little of you and me growing inside of my stomach. But it's expected is it not?" I questioned.

He shrugged looking at the floor. "I guess."

"It's a big thing, I'm still going over it even now and I think I will for a while. Wondering how the baby would have looked, how I would have been with a baby bump. It's expected, shitty.. But expected. You've got nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of."

"But neither have you. You're the most strongest woman I know and I hate feeling like the weakest one. I should be protecting you." He explained.

"Zak, without you I wouldn't be as strong as I am. That's the truth, you've helped me through a lot and pulled my butt out of a lot of hot water. Remember twin bridges? Remember the pool?"

He nodded slowly.

"Stop being hard on yourself. There's no guidebook on how we should act after this.. We both lost something precious," I said wiping the tear in my eye. "We're gonna fight, argue and cry. We are gonna struggle and sometimes fall but I will always help you back up like you will always help me back up.. Right?"

"Always." He replied holding out his hand waiting for me to take it, I did and pulled him into me giving him a hug.

"It's all going to take time. But we need to have each other's backs."

"I know."

"Next time I wake you, wake me. We could always play 'have you ever' at 4am." I suggested making him laugh softly.

"We're gonna be okay.. Aren't we Roo?" He asked.

"Yeah. Of course. Me and you against the world right? The gate keeper and destructive one."

"Yates protects gates." He teased.

"Baganic. The destroyer." I responded quickly.

"Please don't push me away." He whispered burying his face in my neck.

This was the tiredness speaking within him. I have to find a way to cope without waking him, it's not fair. And now we had Aaron to contend with...

My stomach rumbled loudly making his arms tighten around me before we parted. "You're hungry." He glanced at his watch before sighing.

It was pretty late in the afternoon and from his work commitments we had both missed lunch.

"I'll make us something nice for dinner, make up for working?" He suggested.

I smiled and nodded "Can I help?"

"Of course. If help means sitting and watching me."

I giggled causing his face to lighten up.

"You amaze me every day." Zak spoke resting his hand on my face gently.

I went to reply with the same kind of cheesy comment when he spoke again "Let's go make my grans pizza."

I felt my heart warm at the idea of him doing something he loved, but also because it reminded him of his gran.

Entering the kitchen, I took my seat which was in prime position to see him work his magic in the kitchen.

"Zak?"

"Yes doll?" He spoke looking up with a speck of flour on his face.

I suppressed my smile seeing it, he looked so adorable and innocent, I didn't want him to wipe it off.

"Tell me about your gran."

"What do you want to know?" He asked.

"Anything, you hold her close to your heart, she's important. And what's important to you, is important to me too. There's probably stuff that's private but tell me the things that aren't. Tell me stories of good times?" I asked causing him to smile.

"Well, there once was a time...."

I sat there on the stool listening intently, laughing, smiling and giggling as he told me little stories about his gran and his time with her. He told me how she raised him to be a gentleman, how his gran would read him stories and poems developing his love for poetry. How they'd play the piano together, cook together and the time he went to her about the bullying he fell victim of.

I knew Zak loved his mom, but his first love was and will always be his gran.