Just like me: phan

Just like me: phan pt55

*Phils pov*

Dan's room was huge, it looked like it was off MTV cribs. I sat down on his bed, it was soft and warm, unlike mine. My eyes grazed his walls, a clock, a TV, some awards, and a few framed photos, of him and his 'friends'...it was no surprise, I mean, I wasn't much to him a few days ago. the photo of James and him disturbed me most, the idea of them ever being somewhat close literally broke me inside.

'Phil' He thought about what to say. 'There was too much wall space'

I laughed

Dan smiled and came over to the bed, to sit down next to me.

'I'll need to get a photo with you for my wall' He grinned. 'So I can get rid of all those'

'I don't really like photos much Dan' I sighed, shaking my head at the idea of my face on his wall.

'But you're beautiful' He assured, beginning to unroll one of the bandages.

I shrugged, not wanting to argue with him.

Dan moved over on the bed, patting the spot next to him, signalling that he wanted me to put my knee up. I propped my leg up next to him and he began bandaging. His hands were careful, making sure he covered the entire gash without pulling it too tight. He finished, tucking the end in between one of the folds, and bit his lip. You could tell when Dan didn't want to say something, his eyebrows would crease and he wouldn't look at you, this was one of those times.

'Um' He paused, for a while. 

I already knew what he was trying to say. 

'It's okay' I nodded, holding out my wrist, revealing the long wounds patterned across my veins.

'I'm sorry, I just can't leave it like this' He sighed. 'I'm not going to let you leave yourself like this...you deserve care, Phil. I know you don't believe it but-...I just can't let you hurt yourself like this anymore'

Dan was distressed,  trying to find the words that would make me stop, he didn't know basically nothing would. I didn't know how to stop, that was the truth, I hadn't stopped for years, I'd been picking up the blade since I was 14 and pain becomes an addiction after a while. 

'Dan, I can't stop' I whimpered, wanting him to understand.

'I know Phil' He murmured, getting up off the bed. 'What goes through your head when you do it? You can tell me, it might help if you talk about it' 

He walked over the the closet and got out some sweat pants and long sleeve shirts.

'...Well...' It was hard to talk about, I'd never spoken about it with anyone else before, not because I never had anyone, which I didn't, but because I didn't want to, I didn't want it to be real. My cuts weren't always hidden, sometimes they slipped out, on the train, the bus, and people saw them, but they didn't know what to say. Maybe that was me trying to get help, maybe I just didn't really care, I didn't know.

Dan handed me the clothing with a reassuring smile.

'Put these on, and then we can talk about it okay?' 

I yanked off the towels and pulled on the dark green shirt, and navy sweat pants, surprisingly my knee didn't give me much trouble. I turned to see Dan switching off the light, he had already gotten changed. Dan clambered into the bed, pushing off the covers and turning on the bedside lamp. The light in the room changed to a more dim and comforting atmosphere.

'Come on' Dan smiled tenderly, urging me to come and lie down next to him.

I carefully moved over to where Dan was, resting my head on the pillow next to him and feeling instantly more relaxed.

He didn't have to tell me to start talking.

'It feels like a fire, but it's not hot... it  spreads though, you can feel it in your heart, and then...it travels, down your arms. You can't think because it's so overwhelming, you feel weak, and worthless...it's a hate that can't be destroyed' I choked up, not wanting to say much more, but knowing I needed to. 'Dan can you-

I didn't need to finish, he had already pulled my into his wleocming arms. I rested my head next to his ear.

'You want it to stop, but...it doesn't, and I mean you feel like if you don't...if you don't feel pain, if you don't hurt yourself, it'll just keep building, and...it's frustrating and awful, and you just feel so-

'Numb' He cut in.

'Yes' I whispered, pausing. 'How did you know?'