Just like me: phan

Just like me: phan pt85

*Dans pov*

We were at the river. There are was soft, damp, and kind of misty in a way, scent that hung in the air. The river wasn't anywhere near far from Phil's house, just a few streets, I didn't want to over work his knee. "The river" as everyone called it wasn't really a river, it was much too small, it was more like a lake. The place was surrounded by trees like most of our town, and it was also one of my favourite places. It smelt like it had just rained, but it always did, even in summer, when rain seemed so far away. Sometimes I'd go there just to sit and pretend it had just rained, and it wouldn't feel so distant. Rain was also one of my favourite things, and I didn't know why, but maybe it was because everything seemed more comfortable in the rain, even when it wasn't, or maybe because it was easier to be alone in.

I turned to him, he just stood there, at the edge of the river staring out. His blue eyes were fixed on nothing. I could tell he was thinking about London, because he already seemed so far away. I stood back from him, knowing I should give him some space for a few moments. I was leaned against a tree, not too far back from him, but not close enough to interfere with his thoughts. 

And everything went slow, like it usually did with Phil. I watched him take it all in, every moment we had, and it was so lovely, seeing him alone, and content, not anxious or lonely. He didn't look as if he was angry at the world anymore, although he knew what happened to us wasn't fair on him...He knew I'd come for him in a year, and I'd be calling every week.

I don't think Phil was worried about what would happen to him, he knew he'd be safe in London, and as much as he would argue that it wasn't what he wanted, it would be nice for him to feel safe for once. I don't really know if Phil knew what being safe felt like, I don't even think I did, I only knew what false security felt like.

After a few slow minutes passed he turned back to me, his eyes weren't teary and his expression wasn't morphed, and all I could think about was how little I'd seen this Phil, and how upset that still made me.

I was holding his blades, and the box fit so perfectly in hands too. It was small and worn. I never had a box for my blades, I threw them out after every session, and it wasn't because I didn't want to remember the pain, it was because new blades cut deeper.  

Phil reached out his hand, and I walked over to him. He leaned up and kissed me on the cheek.

'I'm happy' He whispered.

It hit my heart like bricks on glass. I wouldn't expect an average person to understand how much impact one simple phrase could have on someone's mental state, but I will try to explain how...happy, I was to hear that. Phil had never been happy, and I had never been happy, I was an anxious pile of abusive trash, and Phil was a distorted boy without a will to live. For someone, who was going to commit suicide the week before then, to say they're happy? Was amazing. 

I teared up, not knowing what to say or how to say it. I wasn't good with words, I never was, so I pulled Phil into a strong hug and smiled wider than I ever had before.

'Me too' I whispered. 

And maybe we weren't telling the complete truth, and maybe we both knew this feeling wouldn't last long. But it was good to say it without wanting to take it back.

We both pulled back from the hug, and Phil looked down at the box in my hands, he bit his lip and looked up at me, his eyes were wide. and I could almost feel his heart thump in the space of air between us. He knew he had to let it go. He knew it caused him pain. He knew he would be safer without it.

I watched him take it from my hands and turn it over, open it, then close it soon after. 

'You can let it go' I said reassuringly.

He paused for a moment and looked at me.

'I know' He murmured. 'It's just hard' 

Phil stood there for a good 5 minutes before he shook his head. I knew he was fully capable of letting this part of himself go, but if he needed help I wasn't going to hesitate to volunteer.

'Here' I said, taking one side of the box in my left hand. 'I'll count to three and then we'll throw it in together'

'Okay' Phil said.

'1' I could feel his hand tense around the box, all of the pain concealed within it was all going to be gone in a flash, and maybe that was too much.

'2' I felt his hand relax, he realized he didn't need it, it wasn't good for him. He was content.

'3' I felt it leave his hand, he let go of the pain, he realized he was worth something...worth while.

It landed with a splash in the water, and as it did I heard a tiny gasp leave Phil's mouth.

'You did it' I whispered.

'No' He said. 'We did it' 

Phil leaped into my arms, and as the sunlight began to peer through the clouds, I realized I didn't like the smell of rain anymore.