𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒚 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍 ➳ 𝒃.𝒖

twenty five

oops lol I'm so bad at this
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Just breathe.

It'll be fine.

In.

And out.

Over time, I finally learnt how to keep my anxiety attacks under control, but right now, it felt as if almost all my senses has been stopped and the only thing I could possibly feel is the dread in my chest.

I felt numb, completely alone. Where was this going to lead to? If this gets spread around, it'll harm both Brendon and mine's reputation. If we had kept it a secret for only one more month then I would be 18, and it'll all be fine.

With shaking hands I close my laptop shut, stumbling into my bed, curling up in blankets and small tears in the corners of my eyes. My breathing had finally calmed down, yet I still couldn't help put feel that cold, empty feeling in my chest.

At about 3am, I heard the door slam shut and I presumed my mom had came home. She had been taking a lot of night shifts after all, but they never really ended this late.

I swing my legs over the bed tiredly, my feet touching the cold wooden floor. My mom then stumbles up the stairs, holding her head in her hands.

"Mom?" I call out, my voice still heavy from sleep.

My mom simply slurs a moan in return, and I stand up and walk over to her.

She looks exhausted, her breath stained by alcohol and covered with the smell of cigarettes. Her hair is lightly curled, but messy at the ends and roots. Her mascara is smudged under her eyes, and has various red and purple marks on her neck and chest.

"Do you need anything?"

"Just get me to bed, please." She closes her eyes, and I do as she says.

For the rest of the night, I don't sleep, just stare into the ivory ceiling with the memories of that night and the photo stuck in my mind. It keeps replaying and replaying like a symphony in my head.

At around 5am, I finally decide to text Brendon about the photo. He deserved to know just as much as me, but truthfully I was scared to see his reaction.

To: Brendon
please don't be mad
(attached file)
From: Emma

I doubt he would see it, he usually lies in bed for a few more hours than usual on Sunday. Which I'm unsure if that caused me relief or just even more fear than before.

For the rest of the morning, there's constant anxiety rushing through my entire body, making it hard to focus on anything over the utter dread and worry that was stuck in my mind. 

seen; 8:34

The word "seen" had always had a big impact on me. It makes me so anxious, and makes me anticipate what ever they would say in reply. But right now, it seems like the most petrifying word in the entire world.

And what makes it even worse, is that he doesn't reply.