Dedicated to litttleteacups for inspiring me to finally finish it :)
I push through the throng of people, which seems to be thicker now than ever. The slush-like snow is barely falling, and I can easily keep my eye on Rahim as my legs pump me quicker than I previously could have ever hoped to run. He has to understand. He’s my soul mate, literally. There’s no way that he would be fooled by Aaron and his utterly idiotic behaviour.
Besides, I did pull away. He must have seen me do that. He’s Rahim; I can’t loose him because of this. I can’t.
Rahim, as it turns out, is faster than expected. It takes me a solid minute to reach him, and even then I’m winded.
I grab his arm because, as much as I call out to him, he won’t turn. His muscles are tense under my grip, and he’ll barely even look at me.
“Rahim,” I say for the last time. If he doesn’t look at me now, I’m ploughing on anyway. He has to hear this.
Maybe it’s the way my voice is breaking in a way it never has before, or the tears that are threatening to spill from my eyes, but for whatever reason he meets my gaze.
“Listen,” I say, more than used to begging for his attention. It’s easy to recall old habits. “It was all him. I swear I turned him down multiple times. I didn’t think he’d go that far, honestly I—”
“You know,” he says, cutting me off. He squints up at the sky, shoving his hands in his pocket, before he goes on. “I knew that other guys liked you. I’m aware you’re ridiculously gorgeous; too gorgeous for me, even. But you told me otherwise. You were the one who pursued me. I can’t just have other guys with you, Sarionah. I don’t care how gorgeous or irresistible or incapable of stopping them you are. Any guy you ever interact with is going to like you. I can’t take it. Not the looks down the street or the wolf whistles you tell me to ignore. I just can’t. It’s not worth it.”
Each syllable strings like an individual knife wound. Stabbing me over and over again at every part of my body. But that last sentence is the one that puncturedsright through my heart; it’s the one that finishes me off. “I’m not worth it,” I say, as a statement rather than a question. After what he’s said, I know he means it.
After all, I was always the one pushing. He may have planned perfect dates and been the best boyfriend he could be, but I was the reacher. I was the one who reached out to him. So of course he’ll be the one to smack me down. He never wanted this like I did. And now that I’ve made a mistake—one vital mistake—it’s over.
“That’s not what I meant. I meant I can’t share you with the world. I can’t just understand every time some guy makes a move on you, Sar. It’s been at the back of my mind for a while. It’s just… now it’s more real.”
“I can’t help it, you know that,” I say, and I can feel the tears threatening to leave my eyes. I’m not a crier. I never have been. But I can see the end so clearly now that it’s hard for me to even consider being strong.
He shakes his head, as if I’m somehow missing the point. As if I’ve done something wrong this entire time that I didn’t see. “I love you, but… I can’t share you with the world. Maybe some guys would be okay with that, but I’m not. And I never will be.”
Everything inside me seems to collapse. My stomach falls, my intestines turn, my heart stops, my head pounds. I try to speak, even go as far as opening my mouth, but nothing will make its way up my throat. I can feel my vocal chords attempting to make sounds, and my lips making shapes in preparation. After a few seconds of stumbling like this, however, something comes out. “All this because of Aaron?”
He laughs, an honest to god laugh up to the sky, as he raises his hands in exasperation. “No. Because of every boy. Because of Brian still. Because my entire school is obsessed with you, and half of them have never spoken a word to you. It’ll never end, no matter what either of us do. I’m sorry. I really am. I’m not your guy.”
I know I’m not acting like myself. Normal Sarionah would have turned around as soon as he said it was over to keep at least her pride in tact. She wouldn’t still be standing there trying to find the best way to win him back. She’s confident and sure of herself.
That’s why, I think, it’s so hard for me to do what I know I want to do. The girl who I’ve always been—tough, strong, independent—is finding it hard to even beg for him, never mind step forward and show him how she feels in the only way left.
Finally, I take a deep breath and a step towards him. I wrap my arms around his neck and press my lips to his. They burn the same as always in that electric, perfect, passionate way. Yet there’s no feeling behind it, even if the physical burn is there. I can tell by the look in his forever changing eyes that he’s not all that surprised, but he doesn’t push me back as I kiss him. He lets me stand there, moving my lips against his. But that’s all. I tried everything to get a reaction from him, but this was it. There was no swaying him.
When I pull away, I realize where I am. We’re in the middle of a sidewalk, at the very center of the tiny town. Pedestrians are trying their hardest not to look intrusive, but it’s obvious that we’re making a show.
It’s then, when I notice a tweenage girl staring at me, with pity in her eyes, that I realize how pathetic I am. This is it.
“So this is your decision?” I ask, my voice stronger than expected.
He nods firmly, although his eyes don’t quite meet mine.
I know then what I have to do. Me being on earth is only a danger to both of us, it always had been. Now it’s a pointless danger. He doesn’t want me, and I can’t possibly have him here. I have to stay alive to protect him. I have to love him the only way that I can.
From Midway.
Just as I think it, the clouds above me seem to glow. Nobody else looks up, so I wonder if it’s my own imagination. But, imagination or not, it is real to me.
Light shines down on me, clouds move, and everything on earth seems to get dimmer.
Besides Rahim. He burns against the dull scenery around him. As if somebody turned on a switch inside him before unplugging the rest of the world.
Maybe he sees everything, and that’s why his expression is horrified. Or maybe he’s disgusted with me for taking so long to ask. Or, even, he could have been testing me; he was actually going to take it back. But, whatever reason his eyes shone in that way I had never seen before, I would never find out. I knew the decision I was making was the right one. It always had been. I was just too selfish to find out.
“Goodbye,” I say finally. My voice rings like bells, and it’s percussive in my mind.
Then, without another word or look or blink, I’m gone.
I'm sorry it took me so long to finish! I just really stopped caring about the story... but I finally found the heart to finish it. It's not expected, but this is really it. The end. Thank you so so much to everybdoy who has stuck around long enough to read this. I love you all <3
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Angelic
RomanceWhen sixteen year old Sarionah Jackson moves to a new town, she's determined to hate it. Although the snow IS magical, she had to leave her best friends. Just as she's coming to terms with living in this new town, she realizes that she's no longer...
