The Ex-Wife of Chris Goldman

34 - More Than You Know

2 months after the funeral

** CHRIS'S POV **

Ever since the funeral I've had flashbacks of my dad, everything's he's done, the words he's said, the last time I talked to him, everything. I've been reading his cards to me that I've kept, I've looked at photographs, I can't move on and it's killing me. I admit it I may have developed a drinking habit, first it was a beer here and there now it's basically a beer glued to my hand 24/7. I've fallen into my old habit of cheating, I fired my assistant Kirsten and hired some guy as a replacement, Kirsten and I still meet up twice a week when I tell Harper I'm working late. I feel like I should regret it and the thing is I honestly don't. It not a nice move but I start writing a letter to her, I'll go home and pack my bags while she's out with the kids at whatever practice and leave it on the bed with signed divorce papers.

Dear Harper,
I'm sorry that I'm hurting you again. You don't know it, well you might. But, I've been cheating on you ever since my dad died. The first time I cheated on you with Laura I regretted it for every day of my life from then on, but now I don't regret it. It might just be the fact that I'm becoming an alcoholic who's hurting and the only way I know how to cope is by hurting someone else to make myself not be the only one hurting and this time I can't forgive myself for hurting you right now or in the future. I know that a letter isn't the best way to do this, I fact it's at the bottom of the list. I've signed the divorce papers already, you can have full custody of you want it, I would rather just leave now to not hurt you anymore than I already have. I still love you, I love you more than you know and it pains me doing this. If you need money contact my office and as for your pregnancy, name the kid whatever and don't bother calling me about the birth, send a letter to my office so we can arrange child support. I'm a terrible person who's kids don't deserve to have a father who cheats, lies, and drinks. I will love you forever and this letter makes me such a terrible and shitty person who doesn't deserve the good things in my life.
Regards,
Chris

I leave my office and head home, I get home and realize that I'm making a huge mistake and there is no way I'm going through with it. I need to man up and talk with my wife about what's going on and maybe we'll seek counseling. I'm not giving up on us, now where did I put the letter......

** Harpers POV **

I walk into his office, the receptionist told me he left for lunch but will be back soon and I could wait if I wanted. What I don't get is why he left for lunch when we agreed to meet here for lunch and then head to our sonogram appointment. I spot a envelope on his desk, written on it is my name so I open it and start reading:

Dear Harper,
I'm sorry that I'm hurting you again. You don't know it, well you might. But, I've been cheating on you ever since my dad died. The first time I cheated on you with Laura I regretted it for every day of my life from then on, but now I don't regret it. It might just be the fact that I'm becoming an alcoholic who's hurting and the only way I know how to cope is by hurting someone else to make myself not be the only one hurting and this time I can't forgive myself for hurting you right now or in the future. I know that a letter isn't the best way to do this, I fact it's at the bottom of the list. I've signed the divorce papers already, you can have full custody of you want it, I would rather just leave now to not hurt you anymore than I already have. I still love you, I love you more than you know and it pains me doing this. If you need money contact my office and as for your pregnancy, name the kid whatever and don't bother calling me about the birth, send a letter to my office so we can arrange child support. I'm a terrible person who's kids don't deserve to have a father who cheats, lies, and drinks. I will love you forever and this letter makes me such a terrible and shitty person who doesn't deserve the good things in my life.
Regards,
Chris

I start bawling, I'm not sure if it's the hormones or the fact that he's cheating and divorcing me again. My bet is the second option. I close the letter back on its envelope, throwing it in my purse and head to my appointment, he doesn't want to be in our kids lives, well he won't be. After my appointment, I head to the house and hear him shuffling in our bedroom.

"Hey," I say walking in "You missed our lunch date and my appointment." I decide to hide the fact that I know about the letter "What's with the bags?"

"I'm so so so sorry about that, I came home early to surprise you only to find out you had already left and your cell phone was still here. As for the bags, I started packing for a couples get away and then decided that we should just stay here watch chick-flicks, order pizza, and stuff ourselves full of sweets."

"How romantic." He looks nervously at the bags and my eyes shift towards them. All of his things are packed "Why is it just your stuff?"

"I had already unpacked yours."

"Okay," I know that that's not the case but I go along with it. "How was work? Did you write anything interesting?"

The color from his face drains instantly.

"Nope, just boring business deals." He fumbles over his words

"Oh, okay. Well, I actually have to get back to work now since I didn't take the full afternoon off. As for movie night, I'm actually covering for Ginger tonight so I won't be home till 2 or 3 am."

"Oh, that bites. I love you."

"I'll see you later." I say pausing on my way out the door "I love you."

As I walk out of the room tears fall from my eyes. I'm not working tonight and I don't have to go back in, but I can't be here, not with him. I go back to the hospital though and crash in an on-call room. I'll face him in the morning, for now I need to do what my OBGYN said and not stress out or I'll risk miscarrying again. With that, I fall into a restful sleep for the first time in a long time.