this // narry au

94. head vs heart

lol did ya'll miss me or what ?

BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG THANK YOU TO narryidkk FOR THE COVER AYE

IM BACK AYYYYY AND WITH AN UPDATE LETS GET IT

I'm listening to a Fall Out Boy album right now and like editing and damn??? Fall Out Boy's lyrics in their songs are better written then my chapters like ??? I'm getting a Fall Out Boy when I'm old enough lol nobody can stop me

YO IM STILL LISTENING TO FALL OUT BOY THIS SHIT IS SO POETIC LIKE YESSSSSS PLS ONE OF TODAY'S ARTISTS THAT ACTUALLY LIKE WORK HARD FOR THEIR LYRICS I LOVE THAT SHITT

I'm so tired lololol like I can barely type and I keep switching into the emoji's keyboard and typing sentences in emoji's before realizing that it's not even English ahahaha am I dumb or what?

Btw sorry in advance for typos ya'll know the drill though. The more tired I am the more fucked up my sentences will be lmao and right now it's 5AM and I'm tired but I can't sleep and all I can think about is Harry Styles so that counts for something

94 - Head vs Heart (I got this from All Time Low by The Wanted lol).

Today was the day of Niall's trial.

After that day I visited him in the hospital and I discovered the real truth about him I never made an effort to see him. Liam kept telling me that Niall was non-stop begging me to come back to him, for him to explain himself, but I never did go to see him.

I know what if I did go in that room I'd forgive him and that isn't healthy. For all I know he could've been fake crying, trying to regain my trust for one last master plan.

It's so absurd to think Niall faked every kiss, every touch, every sweet nothing, every I love you in our relationship.

I had sex with Niall.

I had sex with Niall. And he was using me. I feel ridiculously disgusting and sick to my stomach and worthless all at the same time. (It's terrible; I was taking a shower and I scrubbed where Niall used to hold me for like 30 minutes, because I felt disgusting. I feel used. And it makes me want to curl up and cry. I feel disposable. I hate it. I hate myself already but this is a whole other level because I'm trying to wash something under my skin).

I can't bring myself to 100% believe it. But the evidence is right there, the truth is right there, even Niall admitted to it so I have to believe it.

The truth hurts. A lot.

Ramsey had convinced (threatened) me that I had to speak if I wanted Niall to get a fewer year penalty.

Zayn and Liam came, just to be jury, and when I asked Isabella if she would show up she said if she felt like it.

I really wanted to dress in one of Niall's flannels and sweatpants but I decided that I'd go with suit and tie, just to be polite to the court system. Why Niall's clothing you may ask? Easy answer.

I miss him.

I miss everything we were, even if I played off our breakup like I didn't give two flying fucks about him in all honestly my life --my world-- revolves around him. And it's hard to go from revolving around something to trying to completely forget their existence while at the same time I have to prepare myself to give a speech pretending I'm still head over heals in love with him to keep him out of jail.