Searching for the light (Namkook)

Part 35

"Kim Seokjin"

"It dates back to 2013, 10 years from now. I was in my final year of university. I liked a boy who was a year junior to me for a very long time but never had the guts to approach him. He was so handsome and talented while I was called as a clumsy nerd. We belonged to different worlds but I just wanted to keep himself in mine for the rest of our lives."

The love for a third person in Namjoon's eyes stabbed Jungkook's heart mercilessly but controlled his pain as this was about Namjoon overcoming his fears.

"Hoseok and Taehyung tried to play cupids many times but failed miserably due to my low confidence." A small laugh was heard reminiscing the stupid attempts of his best friends in old days. "I tried multiple times but could never ask him out. Finally, in our farewell ceremony, he left a note in my bouquet writing about his knowledge on my failed efforts. I was literally shocked but somehow managed to ask him out on my last day of university. Everyone who knew us, would tag us as the best couple they've ever seen. Our relationship was built on the foundation of trust, love and honesty."

A tear escaped Jungkook's left eye. Isn't he the one who dreamt of all these with Eunwoo? But he wasn't lucky like Namjoon or Seokjin. It's not about Eunwoo though, it's about the feeling of being not loved. Namjoon held the younger's hand tightly. "Your turn baby." The nickname somehow washed away all the pain he was feeling at the moment.

"He was my best friend Eunwoo. You can say we almost grew up together. He was shorter than me but would try to kill me if I said so. Everyone loved me for my good grades and involvement in sports. But the day I came out, it was not on purpose, a boy stole my diary and read it out in front of the whole class. I was only 11 that time. Everyone would mock me, bully me and even beat me if they got the chance. Some would even approach me with dirty offers." Jungkook left an exhausted sigh while Namjoon gritted his teeth out of anger and held the boy closer to himself.

"Eunwoo would protect me from all those mean people. I would not have survived those years without him being around. I would help him to get better grades and the study sessions got me to have more time with him. I didn't know when I started falling for him, but when he told me about his feelings for his crush, I realised it was just a dream for me that would never come true. I couldn't express my feeling to him, rather I didn't want to as it would clearly ruin our friendship and it was better to see him with a girl  than not being friends with him at all. He was too straight to like me back." A small smile was displayed on Jungkook's face that made Namjoon sense how much pain his love had went through.

"Did you guys go for higher studies together?" "Yes, we did. After the accident, Eunwoo would always help me in all ways possible. He was a very genuine person. I'm really thankful to him for his friendship. Also, I was his best man when he married his crush turned girlfriend few years ago." Jungkook said chuckling a little and continued, "Ka-Young is a very loyal girlfriend and nice person. I'm really have for both of them. They got blessed with a baby girl last month. Eunwoo visited me few months back when telling me the good news. It was after you and I met for the first time. I was so hesitant to meet Eunwoo after many years but after talking to him I knew I was not in love with him anymore."

Namjoon quickly pulled the other male into a tight hug and said, "I'm so sorry for realising my love for you this late baby. Please forgive me." Jungkook was feeling elated. Not even for Eunwoo did he ever feel all these emotions that he does for Namjoon now. They stayed like that for some time.

"Namjoon, what happened to Seokjin? Why are you guys not together anymore?"

Namjoon has to answer the most dreaded question ultimately. There was no backing away. This is the chance to overcome all pain, fear, anxiety that he had been nurturing inside for many years.

"I proposed him after 3 years of dating. We were supposed to get married after settling down a bit as we didn't want to rush. We started living together since our engagement and it was the time when I fell harder for that beautiful human being. After about 2 years we we were planning our grand wedding. All the arrangements were half-done and Seokjin was tiring himself out with all the wedding planning. He just wanted a perfect wedding ceremony. But while we were doing cake tasting, he just fainted suddenly. We rushed to the hospital where several tests were performed on him and with some medications he gained consciousness but was not feeling well. The doctors asked us to wait for a week to get the results of all the tests. It was diagnosed that Seokjin had leukaemia stage 4."

Namjoon broke into loud sobs after finishing the statement but Jungkook hurriedly placed his head on his own shoulder and caressed his back whispering, "Shh, just cry all you want Namjoon. I'm here." Namjoon's grip tightened on Jungkook's waist as if he is gonna lose him too.

"He was gone! Just gone!! Within a month of the diagnosis, I lost him forever! I have witnesses all the pain he went through during the treatment process. Although doctor gave us final words, still I just kept hoping my Seokjin will live longer. He was a man full of life. Even when I visit him in the memorial hall where his last remains are kept, I feel like he is still smiling at me and telling me that everything is going to be fine just like he used to do when he was with me. I cleaned all the letters and his phone special belongings and stored in the locker I bought in the memorial hall. I want to move on from the past but I cannot unlove him. He was my life, my everything.

I'm sorry Jungkook for burdening you with all these information, but I needed to get these out of my system and you need to know everything about me before we start our journey. I don't want to keep any secret from you that might hurt you later."

Jungkook himself had tears in his eyes getting to know about Seokjin's misery. He didn't feel jealous at all, rather he just wanted to console Namjoon and tell him that he'll stick by his side no matter what. So he just hugged the taller man with his relatively small arms.

At the end, both overcame their tormenting insecurities together. It was time to heal now and heal each other.