Searching for the light (Namkook)

Part 23

What is happening to me? Why am I being hopeful about being happy again? I'm not supposed to be happy. I don't deserve it. Darkness and loneliness are the only things I should have. Why am I trying to search for light at the end of the tunnel? This is a dead end- there is no light, still why am I getting the strong desire to feel the brightness of light, to feel the warmth of love?

With all these thoughts, Namjoon pulled away from the hug leaving his uncle more tensed about his nephew's mental state. "I am being selfish uncle Yoon. I should be living my life in misery. That is supposed to be my punishment. But here I am, with ungovernable aspirations greedily looking for a second chance in love. I am not sure what I want. But I want to keep his safe and protected. He showed me how to be strong even if weakness is your constant companion. I can't stop thinking about him! It's been the idea of him roaming in my head since the day I met him. Somehow I got the courage to face the old memories. Writing about our story, my Seokjin gave me kind of a closure to my anxieties. He appeared in front of me out of the blue two days back. He didn't say anything, but I enjoyed the silence."

Yoongi understood the turmoil inside his patient's heart and mind. Some of the words he said are contradictory to the others. In a nutshell, he wants to be happy but the guilt of that desire is killing him inside. Sometimes he is not feeling guilty anymore, and that guilt free mind is asking him to indulge himself in happiness. But Namjoon needed comfort now rather than advice how to tackle his mixed feelings.

"Do you want to see him again?" Yoongi asked as it was needless to take Jungkook's name when it was quite understandable that he is the one who appearance is impacting Namjoon's life. "We agreed not to go ahead with the arranged marriage on our first date." Finally he used the word "date" and what does he mean by "first date"? Is he expecting to be a second? All these inner thoughts are torturing the novelist.

"You guys didn't sign on a paper for the disagreement right?" Yoongi scoffed with a light smirk putting the younger male feel in utter embarrassment. "I can ask Jiminah to call Irene." "No, don't." Namjoon said shaking his head rejecting the idea. "I want to meet him by myself. I have no idea what I'm going to talk about, but I just want to feel his presence around." Yoongi smiled happily. Maybe these therapy sessions will come to an end soon.

"Thank you for the lovely dinner Kookie!" Junghoon said smiling contently. "I'm glad you liked it appa." "Maybe I can have some leftover lemon tart tomorrow." "This man keeps forgetting his sugar levels with old age." Yuri said in a frustrating tone making both the father and son chuckle. It was a happy day for Jungkook. His parents bickering over silly things, him cooking delicious meals, seeing the puppy face of his father when he gets some sweet dish- all these things make the man in her early 30s feel worthy of living this life. He often longs for someone special by his side but not all wishes need to come true. No one would want to be with a man with disability.