A painter's game - Tom Kaulitz

Polaroids

Toms p.o.v

~~~
In another universe, my window is open and I'm laying on my floor. I am 12 years old. Nothing bad happens to me.

I perceive no value in myself, like I think about my death a lot. Like how the fuck did I fuck up this bad?

I see no point in life if I can't be happy. I deserve and supposed to be dead already.

I want to feel love but how can I ask anyone to love me when all I beg for is to be left alone.

I've been sitting outside of the house in the Forrest. All I do is cry and drink my whiskey. All i do is wait for something, anything. I don't really know why I'm still hoping.

I'd like to think about her. To imagine her sitting next to me. Sitting next to me smoking her stolen cig that she'd find in my pocket. We didn't even need to talk. Just her being beside me looking at me. Looking into her eyes that could say a thousand words.

Imagining her smile, that smile that meant "everything works out in the end" even though we both knew it was a lie, but we'd like to pretend. That sort of gave us both comfort.

I knew it was her. I knew it was going to be her. I knew it from that first moment we met. I didn't want to touch her skin, just her soul. It was.. not love at first sight exactly, but - familiarity. Like 'oh, hello, it's you. It's going to be you'.

Meeting her was like listening to a new song knowing that it would be my favorite.

Meeting her helped me breathe better, I have hated things less. I have admired more freely what deserved admiration. With her, I have accepted more. I have learned to live. But now that she's gone. I don't know how to admire myself anymore.

I had always felt a part of me was missing but there she was.

I should've expected this. I knew it was my fault to begin with. And I deserved whatever happens to me. I don't really care anymore about myself, what will happen to me.

I know that she won't come back. It hurts like hell to know that. It hurts so much when you know that you need to let go of someone but you can't. Because you're still waiting for the impossible.

I don't remember falling in love with her. I just remember holding her hand realising how much it was going to hurt when I would have to let go. And I was right.

I am quite terrified. I have lost her and I don't know what's coming.

My heart dropped when I realised she was gone. My mind was wandering back to her and I don't know how to stop myself from constantly thinking about her and us and everything.

I want to change and get better, just give me a chance and I'll change. Just believe in me.
Please.

I got all pretty for her, did she notice?.

What was I made for if not to be hers?

What if it never gets better, what if I'm stuck like this.

I haven't slept for days because I'm scared of dreaming about her. Yet she's still in my mind every second.

Thank you for showing me what love was, even though I couldn't give you the love you deserve.
I'm really sorry my love.

_

Feeling the empty whiskey bottle resting in my hand while sitting on the sidewalk. At this moment I just stared out the street. I was numb. My eyes were puffy and stinged from crying.

I didn't know what I was doing, all I knew was that I'd given up.

It was still wet outside from the rain. I could smell the fresh feeling from it.