A painter's game - Tom Kaulitz

Stockholm syndrome

I didn't want to fall for his trap again. But his touch made me crave for more and more. He made my whole life miserable and I hated him so much, but still I loved it when he touched me so gently. And I hated myself for that. Why did I like it? Why did I crave for him so much.

But I had to push him away so I don't fall for his stupid trap.

I pulled him away from me, making me want him even more but I couldn't.

"Don't forget all the things you did." I sobbed. Trying to convince myself that he wasn't for me.

I knew he wasn't a good person in any way.

I wished that I could ignore him like he ignored me

His eyes looked at me. His sweet eyes. They broke me down.

His pleading look made me want to cry

"Don't come closer" I said.

"I plan on staying" he said with a sweet smile.

He didn't mean any harm in those words, I hoped.

He grabbed both my arms gently.

I tried to get him off me as I looked away. It was hard to make him go away from me. 

I stood up as I tried to push him away, but he kept me.

"Tom I can't do this" I said, trying to let go.

"I don't care how complicated this gets, I still want you." He said

Fuck. Why did he do this to me.

"What do you want from me. Like actually what do you want from me."

"Almost everything." He said as our eyes now met.

he was now holding both my wrist with both his hands. Still gentle.

I wasn't used to him being so gentle. It wasn't like him.

I kept looking in his eyes. Thinking of what I had to do. Everything happened so fast that I couldn't think.

"Eselin, nothing bad is going to happen, I'm gonna take care of you now." He said with that sweet voice.

He was so lovely at this time, I knew he was never like this. He wasn't perfect, but he was all I wanted.

All I wanted was to fall asleep in his arms and hug him, every time he held me in his arms, it felt like home. To kiss him and feel comforted. But I couldn't. I couldn't let myself get attached to him just because I was lonely..

I love you, I thought. But I didn't say it.

I loved him.
Fuck. I loved him.

And I wish I never did.

My eyes teared up as I pushed him off me. His eyes became worried as I pushed myself away from his grip. i quickly grabbed a sweater before I ran down the stairs. While running down the stairs I put on the sweater as tears ran down my eyes. I didn't know why I cried. I didn't want to feel this way. He made me feel so many things I couldn't explain.

I ran to the balcony. I pushed the door and closed it. I breathed heavily as it felt like I couldn't breathe. I panted and sat down. Taking deep breaths as I thought about so many different things at the same time. I felt heavy as I continued to breathe heavily. I tried to calm myself down but it didn't work.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths.

I could smell the fresh air and it made me feel calm. It was cold outside but that was good, It cooled me down. It was now night and I could hear the crickets and see the stars. It was a calming night. It was a Forrest outside but it was pretty open so I could see the sky. The wind was light as it hit my face and hair. It helped me breathe. I needed time to think.

I didn't know if Tom would be this kind for long enough. Would he snap and hurt me like he used to. His sweet and kind face was nothing alike to his psychotic soul. That reminded me of Katie, how he couldn't give a fuck about her being dead. How he smiled at her limp body lying on the ground full with blood. How he could stab me in the waist and feel satisfaction with that. Did he have a blood kink or something?. Or was he a tv serial killer. It all was so confusing. I couldn't believe I had fallen in love with my own kidnapper. I couldn't believe how I had fallen for his trap. I hated myself so much for it. I didn't want to feel this way about him. I knew I was fucking insane to even have feelings for such a guy. I wanted to cry even more of the situation I was in, I didn't know what to do.

Tears were still streaming down my face as my eyes became puffy

I pulled out a cig from the pocket of the sweater, I guessed it was Toms or Bills sweater. I had it in my hand. I didn't light it. I just had it.

I leaned against the wall as my arms were crossed.

Suddenly, I heard the door creek open.

I looked over to see who was there.

I saw a feet stuck out and then his body.

It was bill, his black hair following him behind.

He didn't say anything, nor look at me.
He walked over to the balcony edge, leaning his arms on the wood fence.

I sniffed as I wiped my tears away.

I saw him lit a cigarette before putting it in between his lips.

"Stay away from those you love too much.. those are the ones who will kill you" he said as he breathed the smoke out.

"What?..." I sobbed.

"I guess that I want to see you happy, but you're not." He whispered.