A painter's game - Tom Kaulitz

You've made me weak

The men who was after us, they didn't want our money. They wanted us dead. And it was all because of me killing their leader. I had killed him and now they were after me.

After that day that I killed him, I wasn't the same, I had changed. And bill knew that.

I wasn't normal after that, it was something about me that still craved to kill someone like that again. To hear their helpless screams and blood gushing over my hands.

We had ran away but they were still after us, chasing us.

There were so many of them.

~~~

Looking up at the empty white ceiling. Remembering the exact feeling of everything. Knowing that the trust I once had with bill is gone. Knowing the trust I had with Eselin is gone. I know we're better but me and her both know I'm not a good person and will never be the person I once was. I can't explain the guilt I have. I'm sorry for doing this to you. I'm sorry for using my anger on you as a punching bag. I'm sorry I couldn't handle myself to keep me away from you. I'm sorry I approached you that day just because I wanted to feel your fresh skin against mine, to feel ur presence with me. To get the love I craved. I craved you in ways I can't explain. 

I just wanted to be with you. I just wanted to feel the warmth of your body next to mine. To see your smile. I wanted to play with your hair, see it shine under the sun as it hits you just right. I wanted to watch the sun sink behind the heavens with you. Talk, laugh, make out, anything. I just want anything from you.

I never stopped loving her. Still I pushed her away to ruin myself. I'm sorry that instead of dealing with what I was going thru, I let it out on you. I thought it would save me from the pain. I thought it was best for me to hurt you before you hurt me..

I don't think Eselin has hopes on me anymore, but she's still with me.

I wanted to be loved more than I wanted to be alive. But I was scared of it, that's why I pushed you away.

And I swear to god, I will never , never again will I let someone know me like you did.

You understand me like no one's else ever will, and that haunts me.

But I also know that it's different now. Even though you say 'I love you' somethings off. And I know it's my fault.

I take responsibility for all the pain I put you though.

I remember the first time we spoke, you were so tender and gentle. What happened? I know what happened but. What happened.

No matter how difficult this gets.. I'll still love you.

Even if the earth is against me, I'm still gonna love you.

And I 100% know that I don't deserve you, so why do you stay? Why do you still hold me tight even tho I did that to you.

I thought about running away. To run away from the pain. I don't know where, just not here.

~~~

I laid in the bed as I kept looking up at the ceiling. I then snapped as I got myself up.

I sat on the bed edge, placing my hands over my face. I sighed as I got myself up.

I put on a white t-shirt and walked out of the door.

It was quiet. The whole house was quiet.

I looked over at the stairs that led up to Eselins room. I thought she was asleep, everything was so quiet.

I smiled at the thought of seeing and hearing her sweet voice again.

I called her name as I walked towards the stairs.

"Eselin!" I yelled.

No answer.

I walked up the many stairs and now into her room.

I leaned my hand against the door edge.

My smile faded, not sad but confused.

"What are you doing Eselin?" I laughed.

She was sitting on her bed, looking around the different newspaper titles that she had cut out.

I walked closer to see what they said.

Each and every one she had cut out said death,
Pain or anything like that.

I laughed while she cut out another one with a scissor.

"Eselin." I repeated.

She now turned around, but not to look at me. To search for the other newspaper. Her face turned worries while she couldn't find it.

"Where's the paper!" She yelled.

She panted and almost cried when she couldn't see it.

I saw it on a shelf, I reached out for it to grab it.

I grabbed it and showed her.

"Eselin! Calm down, it's here." I said trying to calm her down.

Her worry loosed. She grabbed it from my hand and continued to look thru the pages.

I couldn't understand anything.

She looked tired and lost. Her makeup was smudgy with her clothes dirty.

I sat down on my knees so I could be eye level with her sitting on the bed.

"What is this Es?" I asked.

I read the words, death, again.

"Who's death es?" I asked again.

She stopped and looked at me.

"Mine, Tom." Shee replied.

I was so confused, was she okay?

I grabbed her face gently with my hand.

"Have you taken anything?" I asked with my hand on her chin.

She looked down at my hand.

I let go as I sat down besides her.

I laughed a bit.

She then suddenly giggled while pushing herself on top of me.

"Woah" I muttered.

She sat on top of me while smiling sweetly.

I looked up at her green forest eyes.

She placed her hand on my chin while playfully kissing my lips.

I got startled by her sudden move so I sat up and gently pushed her away.

"Wow now Es, calm down." I said.

She looked at me confused.

"I just want to talk to you alright?" I asked.

"We don't need to talk" she said while once again kissing me.

I kissed her back but stopped.

"Are you okay Es?" I worried.

She stopped while looking away from me.

Her eyes now different.

"Es, I've been thinking. We should run away, you know? Away from here." I said while holding her waist.

Her face looked sad.

"I can't." She mumbled.

I now sat up. Looking at her worried.

"Love, tell me, tell me what's wrong?" I pleaded.

"I can't fight it anymore." She said with tears in her eyes.

"Fight what?" I asked.

"For as long as I can remember, it has chased me. And now they're ready, now they're strong enough to break through!" She whined. "And I can't fight them.." she added with cracks in her voice.

"Es, nothing bad is going to happen to you, I'm here now. I'm gonna take care of you now alright?" I said while feeling the pain in her. I grabbed my arms around her as she cried. I didn't know why she was like this, but I could feel her pain.

"I used to be able to fight them but.. you've made me weak." She cried while I had my head leaned against hers.