A painter's game - Tom Kaulitz

Out of touch

(Tw : Ed, binge, read at your own risk)

I watched as his eyes became red from the reflection of the fire. Katie's body was now melted, into cinder. It creeped me out. Knowing I was the one who had killed her. And what was off, Tom didn't care that she had died, his reaction was empty. That surprised me. I just watched as he continued to watch until her whole body was burned up.

I looked at my clothes that had blood all over it. It was disgusting. I felt as a part of her on my body. 

I walked closer to the fire next to Tom. I took off my shirt and threw it in the fire. I knew I didn't want to show Tom me in only my underwear again but I had didn't care anymore. He had already seen me naked twice.

I took of the pants he had given me and threw in those aswell. I had to get her off of me. It was exactly how I still felt Toms cold hands against my skin, but now blood. Katie's blood.

We both stood there looking at the fire heating our bodies. The fire was beautiful, even though it was burning up evidence of murder.

The wind was blowing thru my hair and my skin.

There was still dried blood on my thighs and arms.

"Why didn't you care when I killed her."
I asked, not looking at him, but at the fire.

"Sometimes there is no why." He replied.

His reply was odd. I knew there was something seriously wrong with him. His behaviour was different all the time.

"I kill people all the time, no matter if I like them or not. They beg for their life, but I don't feel anything"

I didn't know if I got scared by that reply or not. But I for sure knew he had serious issues. I wondered how I didn't know all of this when I met Kit. Kit never told me much about his past or life. But there were similarities.

I wondered if he ever wanted to kill me. But I also knew he wouldn't.

I took out a pack of cigarettes I had hid in my bra that I'd stolen from Bills jacket. I took one out, lit it as I put it in between my lips. Feeling that taste made me calm. I blew he smoke up into the air. I felt so, empty. I knew that I wasn't free or wouldn't be any time soon. I had just killed someone and Bill was pissed. I didn't even want the comfort from Tom. His touch wasn't what I craved anymore..

His cold voice was the thing that had killed me, broke me.

He had killed me in any way a person can be killed, I didn't even feel alive anymore. I turned around and walked inside the house again, feeling Toms eyes staring at me. I didn't know if this was part of his sick plan.

I walked up all the stairs to the one room with all the windows. I continued to smoke as I was now on the 3rd floor. I laid down on the bed. Taking more puffs, hoping to feel something. But I couldn't. All I could think about was Katie's body laying on top of me. Bleeding. It was everything I thought about, i couldn't get it out. I was always on that grass, her body over mine, I was stuck and I couldn't get out.

I was now numb. My hands were tattooed on with blood, that's all I felt.

I wanted to feel something other than her blood.

I looked down on my wrist, hoping to feel that pain again, the pain of my own blood gushing and not hers.

I wanted to feel that silver knife cutting thru my waist again.

I wanted to feel his cold hands against my throat, just to feel anything other than that.

I wanted to escape that feeling.

I got up from the bed, making my way to the kitchen. I looked in the fridge, hoping to find something, anything.

I took out chicken, bread, dessert, anything.

I paused before eating the bread, then dessert and anything I could find. I used to not eat for days and starve but now I ate like crazy. But no matter how much I binged, I couldn't feel this empty hole inside me.

I would give everything, just to feel the pain again, to hurt. I can't feel shit, I can't feel anything.

We think that pain is the worst feeling, it wasn't. Feeling nothing, not being able to fill this void. That was the worst. The feeling of not being felt.

I could feel myself disgusted.

I quickly ran to the toilet, sitting down against the seat. Sticking two fingers down my throat, making me throw up. It felt like this internal suffering never ended.

I needed more, it wasn't enough.

I got up from the toilet, knowing I was weak but I needed more. I ran up one stair up and into Toms room. His room had many drawers. I opened each one and digged for anything, something I could take.

I saw this bottle of pills. I grabbed it and then open the lid. I was about to throw them into my mouth before feeling a hand on my arm. I looked up to see Tom.

"What do you want." I said as I tried to take it in my mouth but he wouldn't let me.

His face turned angry.

"Don't take those." He demanded.

I pushed him off of me.

He backed away a little but his hand raised and I felt a hand slap my face.

That was it.

I threw the bottle in my mouth, I was able to take atleast 4 pills but Tom yanked them from my hand.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He yelled.

I looked up into his eyes and got closer.

"You wanna know what's wrong with me yeah? You are."