A painter's game - Tom Kaulitz

Goodbye

***
If you loved me, why'd you leave me?

All the times you meant to tell me that you wished you were dead.

Why'd you do it for me.

God I wish you were here, to be able to paint with you one more time, it's been exactly a year since you left, and a day doesn't go by without me thinking about you.

I may have bleed so much but that doesn't mean that I never loved you, I just wished you would let me know.

Ive tried to let you go but we both know that's impossible, all the times I've said to myself that I hate you, I regretted every single word.

We fought and bleed but we were crazy about each other. The love we once had, it was real, wasn't it?

You hurt so much, so much that you ended yourself for me, and I'll never forgive myself for that.

You gave me something, something I'd never experience before. Something that I hope I'd give to you.

You woke me up, woke something in me, wanting so much for you, and all you ever really wanted was to be loved. I wish I could've realised earlier. You have fought so much yet you kept living, but you gave up so soon, not knowing how much love I was planing on giving you. How much i had planned our future, i never got to say 'i love you' one last time, I never got to say goodbye.

—

I sat by your grave like I did for the past 730 days. I plant a new flower for each day, and painted the skies every month. I look at it and think of you. Placing my hand on the cold stone, hoping to feel your warmth ever again even though your far gone, but knowing what we once had was real.

Not being able to hold back my tears as I think of your touch, or your voice.

Sitting up once I planted my last flower, feeling the distance just by standing up.
Looking at your written name and date.
Being lost in my thoughts, not taking notice of anything. But then hearing a familiar voice.

"Eselin?" The voice whispered.

I quickly glanced and saw who it was.

"Bill." I yelped, covering my mouth of cries.

His expression was, different.

"I haven't seen you since.." I whined.

How I had missed that voice. How a voice could remind me of so much.

I couldn't help myself but to ugly cry. I ran as quickly as I could towards him.

I grabbed his jacked and hugged him as tightly as I could. And then I felt him gently press his arms around me.

And I just let it all out, every atom of me missed him. Every piece of me waited for him.
I chocked as I tried to wipe the tears of my face but I couldn't stop.

I let go but was still close to him as I wiped my face.

I could see him holding back his cries.

"You look so different" i tried to smile as my eyes watered.

"You do too" he smiled sweetly.

We laughed.

"I really do miss him" i looked up at bill.

He just smiled with water in his eyes.

"Bill, move back, please?" I begged.

He looked down, not smiling at Toms grave.

"I cant, it hurts too much." He held my arm.

I hadn't seen him in 2 years. And here he was.

"I care for you so much" i cried. "I cant loose you too." I begged.

He now took my hand.

"Es i-.." his voice cracked. "I used to care for you so much, i loved you, but you were too busy to notice." He smiled.

"What?" I looked at him.

I knew he didn't mean as lovers, more platonic.

"Bill i loved you too. I'm sorry i couldn't show that.." i pressed my hand against his even harder.

"It's okay, i just can't bare to watch you suffer again." He said.

"Anyway, don't be a stranger." I said.

I held his hand as we turned around, facing Toms grave.

"We will forever love you, Tom."

***