See You in Therapy

43- gone girl

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──

My phone rings waking me up out of slumber. I wake dazed and confused, unsure of the time, room encompassed with darkness. It's Nora and it's early morning.

"Morning," Her golden honey voice says, in my ear. It almost puts me back to sleep, calming me. God how I missed that voice.

"Hi, gorgeous."

She's silent, but I hear her smiling through the phone.

"My mom won't let me have my phone after school, and she's making me come straight home too." Her voice is somber and sad suddenly. She wasn't okay, not really, of course she wasn't. Why would I think I could solve her sadness when I couldn't even solve my own?

"Can I walk you home after school?" I ask trying to sound less groggy, I wanted to be awake to talk to her. I sit up, the covers fall to my waist and leave my bare chest exposed to the cool morning air.

"Yeah, I'd like that." She's quiet after.

"You there?"

"Mhm," I hear her say, but she sounds half asleep.

The pill she took probably took a toll on her body, I should be there to give her cuddles and kisses, but instead she was alone because of me and my actions.

"I love you." I tell her because I don't say it enough. It's still scary to be that vulnerable, to express your feelings with words so trivial.

I say I love you in different ways, before i'd even uttered them to Nora, i'd been saying them. When I pulled her hair to see that cute reaction she'd make, scrunching her nose frowning up at me or when I gave away my favorite hoodie or walked just about everywhere in the goddamn city because that's what she wanted. I didn't mind, that's how I knew, all along i'd been saying and feeling it.

"I love you too." I'll never get tired of hearing her say that.

"Well i've gotta go Ezzie, I hope you have a better day than i'm gonna have." It's meant as a joke, but it makes me feel like shit.

"I'm so sorry, everything will settle, eventually."

"I know." she almost sounds hopeful.

She hangs up and I climb from my bed feeling a permanent sense of guilt. Before I know what i'm doing, I reach into my nightstand where I find my emergency stash of Marlboro Reds. I know they're cheap disgusting things, but I always liked the taste.

I hadn't smoked one in about six months. I pulled one out, rolling it between my index and thumb. A black coffee would go nicely with this. The stress was eating me again, like it did last summer and fall and winter and since I was thirteen.

It only got worse, it always came back tenfold. I grabbed a lighter and made a coffee and headed for the roof.

The sun was rising and the view was breathtaking, but I felt so terrible. I lit my cigarette and took a drag. Eyes closed, in through my mouth out through my nose. Again and again, I left the pack in my room, a choice I intentionally made.

I look over the ledge at the bottom. What if I jumped? I couldn't mess that up, it'd be easy and no backing down once I was free falling there would be no one to save me.

But then who would walk Nora home after school?
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──

School grows more and more unbearable as the weeks pass and the seasons change.

"She really really wants you bro." Chad whispers from beside me, disrupting my note taking. "She is eye fucking you from across the room."

I look up from my chain to him, to the chain again. It says Nora, does nobody look at it? It was visible through my uniform, I'd went without a tie, because the weather would be warmer today. It poked through my collar, clear as day.