I lied," I say still looking at his lips, he opens his eyes and gazes over at me.
"Uh oh," he whispers, not breaking eye contact. I am suddenly aware of his lingering stare. He looks at me everywhere, every inch, there was no hiding from it. His ga...
I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. But the days begin to blend into one and it takes everything in me not to fade into the winter night with my thoughts.
I try to busy myself, if only to ignore it. I hang with Danielle during lunch and after school, I do my homework, I read in between tasks, I make small talk with Jackie. See, I can be normal. I can be good.
I hadn't felt the urge to crumble to the floor in hysterical tears in a little over two weeks now. That was an A in my book.
Sometimes I forgot to eat, which was okay because I never really had an appetite anyways, it only became a problem when I noticed I went down two sizes and got headaches and felt lightheaded during the day.
Other than that, I was...dare I say it....okay. Okay enough. Okay enough to not want to scream until my throat bled, okay enough to do the bare minimum.
Go to school, come home, go to therapy on Tuesday's, go to school, come home, go to school, go home, sleep. Go to school, come home, sleep. Groundhog day effect, Danielle called it.
The days were blending into one long day. Ezra was stirring the pot, however.
I hadn't talked to him since last Tuesday and I only thought about him to tell myself to not think about him. He'd tried to text me a few days ago, but I ignored him, leaving him on read.
If I was being honest, he scared me. I didn't like the faint flutter I got in my stomach when I was around him, I didn't like that he wanted to get to know me, or that he ruined my groundhog day effect.
The groundhog day effect was comforting to me. It was stress free and it allowed me to be in charge, nothing could go wrong if you lived the same day over and over again. I only wish the day that was left on repeat was a day that my dad was still alive.
If I could choose a day to live in forever, it would take place a few winters ago. It would star, twelve years old Nora, a very alive dad and a mother that didn't resent and hate her. They would spend the day locked in for a snow storm, they'd spend the day watching movies, drinking hot chocolate and playing board games. They would live like that until the end of time, one happy family on loop.
No dead dads, no Ezra and no mean mother's.
Part of me knew I wasn't being fair. It wasn't Ezra's fault my dad was gone, but my life was split in two now. Pre accident and post accident. Ezra was post accident.
If I had met him months sooner, I think that I could like him, love him even. But I was too broken and he seemed to have problems of his own as well. Everything in me said no, stay away. But there was another voice there too, Dad would not like me treating this boy this way.
