I lied," I say still looking at his lips, he opens his eyes and gazes over at me.
"Uh oh," he whispers, not breaking eye contact. I am suddenly aware of his lingering stare. He looks at me everywhere, every inch, there was no hiding from it. His ga...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
chapter thirty-seven- haircut
NORA BAILED ON THERAPY BECAUSE SHE WAS STILL FEELING SICK. Today couldn't get any worse. With her session canceled, Dr. V was able to see me earlier.
"Has anyone ever discussed generational trauma with you?" Dr. V begins, as I sink into the couch in front of her, like i've done a million times before.
I sigh, pulling my beanie off, I wasn't in the mood to feel my feelings or talk about them for that matter either. It was much easier to ignore the bad things.
"No, but I know what it means." I begin. Her eyes don't leave me, it's a tactic to make me feel seen and heard, but it makes me feel like i'm being studied and analyzed like i'm something to fix.
"My dad's dad was a dick to him, so he takes it out on me, that doesn't mean i'll do the same if I ever even have kids." I didn't even think I would make it that far, the thought of having kids or a wife never occurred to me.
"I'm not saying that, Ezra." she begins. "I'm just saying I think your family may be your biggest problem, I just want to understand your relationship with them a little better, to end the cycle."
"I really encourage you to engage in more self care, you treat yourself horribly and blame yourself for everything that's wrong."
"I don't deserve anything," I finally say after ignoring her. She's patient, though, long pauses and silence doesn't waver her. I hear pen scribble paper and I clench my jaw, annoyed. I'd rather be anywhere else.
"I don't think you think that's true." She leans back in her office chair, her voice is neutral and calm. Nothing I say could get a reaction out of her, she stays cool like water.
How could she know? She didn't know what it was like inside my head, how everyday I woke up and wished it were my last.
"Okay, so you don't want to talk about your parents, do you have anything you feel you want to talk about, I notice you seem upset today."
"More than usual?" I joke, checking my watch, over and over again.
She nods. I needed to start pretending again, it was much easier. To act like everything was okay, so that people wouldn't ask me what's wrong, because I didn't know either.
"My cousin is staying with us for a while, I just found that out today."
"How does that make you feel?" she asks. "Do you not have a good relationship with them?"
"He's the opposite of me, I think he's the son my parents wish they had."
Dr. V's eyebrow quirks up, her neutral eyes sadden for me, it makes me want to sink into the floor and disappear into the void.
