I lied," I say still looking at his lips, he opens his eyes and gazes over at me.
"Uh oh," he whispers, not breaking eye contact. I am suddenly aware of his lingering stare. He looks at me everywhere, every inch, there was no hiding from it. His ga...
I FINALLY GET MY PERIOD AFTER TWO BLOODLESS MONTHS. The first month, I was scared I was pregnant, but after a visit to the doctor I was informed that my anxiety and depression may be causing me to have an irregular cycle. The only thing my depression has been good for thus far.
Jackie was off tonight. Which meant it was just us. I felt like I hadn't seen her in ages, I saw her passing by, coming in from work late at night or leaving early mornings, some nights she didn't come home at all. I didn't mind really, if anything I liked it. It gave me space to grieve and grow on my own without her nagging.
She sat on the couch, catching up on whatever soap opera she was binging, sipping on moscato. She looked cozy and like a normal human being. She didn't look like a mother of a sad teenaged girl, she didn't look like a widowed wife. She just looked like a regular person, living a regular life.
Part of me wanted to scream and yell at her, but for what? She couldn't be sad forever, some people moved on faster than others. But I wasn't being entirely fair, I know she hadn't moved on, you don't just move on that quickly from decades with a person. But she was starting to lose the saddened look in her eyes, the only thing my mother and I had in common recently was that look. It was a glossy, blank look, it made your eyes dark and low, my mother and I both had it. But hers were slowly slipping away, returning to normal unburdened eyes.
Soon she would be completely okay and that would leave me all alone. It wasn't fair to Dad or me.
"Who are the flowers from?" She asks, not turning away from the television, where someone hysterically cries, as someone is pushed down a large flight of stairs. God did people actually watch that garbage.
"My friend Ezra," I answer plain and simple, I didn't want to share Ezra with her. She would ruin him for me, I just knew it.
I think back to yesterday, the way I kissed all over him, my intentions were to kiss him on the lips, but I was scared. Scared i'd like it and want to do it again. The way he was looking at me and talking to me, I know it wasn't mindful, but I liked being looked at by him. He made me feel interesting, like I was worth being looked at.
"That boy is nothing, but trouble, Elenor." She takes a long sip of wine, before pausing the television and rising from the sofa.
She stalks her way into the kitchen, to the vase where Ezra's flowers are. She sticks her nose in them, taking a whiff, whips of dark hair cascading in her eyes. "Are you using protection with this boy?" she begins.
Just like that, I want to disappear into my room again. My stomach twist turns and aches from cramps making me feel nauseous. Why did she always insist on pushing my bottoms?
