I lied," I say still looking at his lips, he opens his eyes and gazes over at me.
"Uh oh," he whispers, not breaking eye contact. I am suddenly aware of his lingering stare. He looks at me everywhere, every inch, there was no hiding from it. His ga...
I WAS AVOIDING HIM. 100 percent, without a doubt. I begged Dr. V on hands and knees to let me leave twenty minutes early, she eventually agreed, warily. I couldn't bare an encounter that awkward right now.
I tried to stay busy during the passing days; they began to slowly smear into one.
"I'm not so sure that's such a good thing." Dr. V scribbled something down after I stated this, after that, I shrunk down into my seat, embarrassed and ashamed that I didn't agree with her.
What did it matter if I had no real concept of time, or everyday was predictable? I was finally starting to feel a little okay.
"Nora, you're young," she begins. "You're supposed to be living in the moment and having a good time while you're in your prime."
If this is my prime, kill me.
"I'm going to a school dance!" I blurt, defensively. I feel like a moron. Was I still going to the dance? Yes? No? Oh I didn't know!
There were a lot of things wrong with me, being uncertain and indecisive made the list. I didn't know anything ever, didn't know what I was doing after high school, didn't know about Ezra and I, or my mom, or why and when my life ended up being so damn hard.
"I've been eating more." It's a poor attempt to try and change the subject, but I couldn't bare it any longer.
Her eyes light up and she genuinely looks delighted for me. Something in me smiles on the inside, it's stupid, I know, but no one is ever proud of me anymore, since my dads been gone. It felt nice.
"That's awesome, what did you eat, anything good?"
"Well, I spent the weekend with my best friend, so we smoked, a lot, and I kinda ate everything, cereal, pizza, Mcdonald's, all the fat stuff."
"Those are the best kind." She jokes.
"We are getting pancakes after this!" I add excitedly, trying to stall out the last five minutes of our session.
She nods, returning back to business. "You're smoking again? Does your mom know?"
My heart immediately starts racing. My mom was highly apposed to my substance abuse. I got really bad at one point. I didn't remember much of Fall 2018, because I hadn't been sober any of it and in the slim chance that I was, I was ruining myself in some way; ditching school, getting in trouble, anything to make me self destruct because if my dad wasn't here, I didn't want to be here either.
I do not like my mom, we mix like water and oil, she's the flame, i'm the cool pool of water. No, I don't like my mom one bit, but I do love her.
