Wicked Desire

47- loving him was red

I woke to the familiar wood smell of our living room. I was on the sofa with a blanket over me and a fire roaring.  I felt like I was in a dream or a nightmare. I didn't feel myself... and Ben was sat on the coffee table in front of me as he watched over me 

"Clo... hey" his hand stroked my cheek and settled on my waist. 

I let him, I didn't pull away, I was lifeless. I had nothing else left in me.

"it will get better, I promise you I will do anything for you, my love," he said with genuine sadness

I sat up as he helped me "I know why you didn't tell me now." I said waking up

"it was hard, I didn't know how to start" he defended himself quickly

"I understand ben," I said rather dryly "I understand why you didn't say, and everything else makes sense you don't need to explain, I know everything I need to know now" he leaned in and kissed my cheek, again, and I let him. I didn't push him away, I closed my eyes and felt his lips against my cheek, my neck...

"I love you, I love you I love you," he said desperately holding me. I brought my hands up to wrap around him, my body accepting him but my eyes fighting an urge, fighting my demons... fighting the voice in my head that was telling me to do something.

The whole evening was a haze as he made me some food, there was no conversation it was just simple gestures, the odd kiss on the cheek, and a squeeze of my waist. reassuring me in any way he could. But I was getting more jittery as I woke up more, my energy was coming back and the voice in my head was louder I couldn't block it out anymore.

As we did the dishes from dinner my vision was skewed, it was like looking through a sheet of shattered glass not yet broken. I couldn't see or think the way I have told myself to do these past months. My real self was coming back, my inner voice was getting louder, and I could feel her banging on the door to be let in, all it took was for me to open the lock. My hand was on the doorknob, my face feeling hotter as I began to sweat. Then a click of a lock. My eyes refocus as if stuck in a trance and being broken out of a spell. waking up from a coma. that voice of sense and reason could be heard loud and clear now. 

you know what you have to do.

he noticed me stuck in position as I was trapped in my head and came over took my hand, and turns me around "maybe an early night tonight- "he takes a sudden sharp inhale.

The kitchen knife in my hand was embedded in Bens's abdomen.

"Clo..." his breathless voice said in disbelief as he stumbled, blood spreading across his torso fast.

"I'm so sorry I didn't want to do this. But I have to" I choked some tears back

I pulled the knife out as Ben slumps back into the counter, sliding down to the floor as he rests against the side

I could speak my mind now, the words streaming in despite the state of shock I was most likely in. 

"Please don't think I've fooled you this whole time, I couldn't fake all of that with you I really couldn't." I pleaded, I wanted him to at least know it was nearly real.

"The worst part about this is that somehow I love you. In a sick and twisted way, I have grown to love you. I -I-I breathe for you... I live for you... I belong to you. Everything I do is for you."

I crouched down sitting beside him, facing him as I watched his face become paler in shock " I could have stayed with you forever you know. I could have stayed out here and grown old with you. We could have had children, and watched them grow. Sit in that garden every night and watch the sun go down over the perfect life we created. Away from everyone, disconnected from everything, in our own little world." A tear formed in my eye as he stared at me holding the bloody wound on his stomach.