Kindred Spirits | Juan Toscano-Anderson

35 x The First Christmas

Cynatra laid in bed in her robe as she waited for Juan to get out of the shower. Her legs were sore. She set herself up for disaster by antagonizing him. On the flip side, emotional pain was far worse than the physical at the moment.

The hours were winding down to Christmas and she felt glum. The sexual tension she previously had, a distraction from her true emotions and now that it was over. All she could feel was sadness. It wasn't Juan's fault, it had nothing to do with him.

Everything to do with the first Christmas without her father.

"Amor, why aren't you dressed?" He had a towel wrapped around his waist.

"My legs hurt."

Juan laughed, which didn't amuse Cynatra at all. "I'm sorry I did that before dinner."

"That's the only reason why you're sorry?"
"Honestly yeah. Was I supposed to regret it?"

She rolled her eyes, "I didn't say that."

"Well," he started, "Do you regret it?"
He cut her off before she could answer, "Cause if so, tell me now and it'll never happen again."

"Wait slow down. Where is that coming from?" She sat up on the bed, much to her lower body's dismay.

"Listen, I told you how I felt, I show you how I feel. I just wanna know if it's really the same."

Cynatra's features softened, he was being vulnerable and although the conversation perplexed her, she understood and respected him for saying something.

"Juan, you know I love you. That shouldn't be a question."

"But it's about if you love me enough. Cause you won't allow me to love you the way you need and that bothers me."

"What are you talking about? I just want to protect you."

Juan felt as though he was a grown ass man who could protect himself, he didn't need anyone deciding anything for him. "Protect me from what?"

"From me. I don't want to hurt you and what I come with is a lot."

"If you don't try to hurt me, then you won't. You don't come with baggage. It's experience, some good, some bad. I'm telling you, I'm not going anywhere and I need you to believe that. I'm willing to wait, but I don't want you playing with me either."

She sat up on the bed, to get closer to him. "You think that I'm playing you?"

"Yeah.. no. I mean," He sighed, "Cynatra, be honest here. You never felt the need to express yourself with me first. I initiate everything. And I honestly feel like you accept it cause it makes you feel good. That's cool and all for everyone else, but don't do that with me."

Juan was right. Their whole relationship, he initiated majority of it. It wasn't that she didn't feel the need to express herself first, he just always beat her to the punch it seemed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that you felt that way."

She took a moment, wanting to cry but if she did, she wouldn't leave the room. She had been holding in that long cry and it needed to stay locked away for a few more days.

"I love you, I don't ever want you to feel like I don't." She sniffled, quickly blinking away tears.

"Ugh, I did not want to make you cry." He placed his arms around her but she quickly moved away.

"If I let you hold me, I'll really cry and we'll never get out of here." Cynatra stood up from the bed.

Juan followed her movements. "I wanna talk more after the holidays, I don't want to ruin it anymore."