Promise? »» C.G.

Chapter 63»»This Is a New Beginning

I watched as Rick and Michonne put out a fire. I blankly stared as I watched. They ended up just letting it burn as we started to get overrun. I didn't want to move.

"Hey," Daryl's voice rang. "Let's go." He patted my back. "C'mon, I've got Judith and I'm not waiting forever."

"Just go without me," I told him, not wanting to move.

"(Y/n). Hey, Carl wouldn't want this. You know that. We've—."

"Gotta make the world a better place for Judith? For Rick?" I picked at my fingers as tears ran down my face.

"And you. Me, your mom. Your sibling." I let out a scoff.

"What about him? I should've killed that guy when I had the chance. Killed Negan. I should've—." He grabbed me and pulled me to my feet. He grabbed my shoulders.

"Enough," he told me. He drug me to the car and we left to Hilltop. I crossed my arms as I sat there. Daryl was quiet as he drove. Judith made coos in the back seat. I sat, staring straight ahead. Carl's letter in my hands. I'd look down at it every once in a while. We were only a few miles from Hilltop. I sighed and opened Carl's letter. I took it out of the envelope and didn't unfold it right away. I took a shaky breath before opening it. His hand writing was neat. I scanned it slightly. Saw love a few times. I looked up as we pulled into Hilltop. I shoved the letter back into the envelope and we went inside. Mom seen me and pulled me in for a hug. She was in tears and I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I knew Mom was vengeful. Once Mom let go, I seen Enid. She walked over to me.

"I-I am so sorry," Enid told me. She pulled me in for a hug. She held me. "I'm so sorry."

"He's really gone," I said. "He's gone." I broke down crying and hugged her back. I wanted to scream or cry. Enid just held me. She took me inside to sit down. Well, really to shower, but I just sat on the bed. She sat next to me.

"(Y/n)?" She questioned. I looked towards her, not at her. "Are you okay?"

"Remember when you used to talk to me about Carl?" I asked her. "When we found each other?"

"Yeah, why?" I looked at her as asked,

"Were you just trying to get me to talk about him so I wouldn't forget him because you were trying to forget your family?" She was slightly stunned. "You were so keen on me talking about him."

"When you first talked about him," she started, with pause. "I knew you were in love with him. I didn't want you to forget about that love. Even if I was trying to. I'll, um, I'll let you shower. Get some rest." She got up and walked out. I sat there for a while. I sat in the room like I had sat in the Sanctuary. My elbows rested on my knees as I leaned forward. My hands were bloody. I needed to get up and take a shower, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. I didn't want to breathe. My door opened and Daryl walked in. He stood in the door for a moment.

"You all right?" He asked. I didn't answer. "(Y/n), I know it's hard. I knew the kid a little longer than you, but you two--."

"It doesn't matter," I said, blankly. "He's dead. Carl's dead."

"Have you read your letter yet?" Daryl asked. I looked over at my bag that had the letter sticking out.

"His words won't matter," I said.

"You and I both know that's bullshit, kid. You loved him. You miss him." Daryl sighed and came to sit with me. He grabbed my hand and held it. I was shaking.

"You can't lie to yourself, kid," he told me. "You're gonna miss him and you're gonna miss him like hell."

"Did Rick tell you I couldn't do it? Kill Negan?" I asked him. "I don't know what it is, but I couldn't do it. I know I can kill someone, but he was nice to me sometimes. Carl was upset with me about it."

"He wouldn't hate you for it."

"No, but he was mad about it. Disappointed I guess."

"And he loved you regardless."

"No, I--I know." We both sat in silence. Daryl pulled me to him in a hug. I rested my head on his shoulder as I let out a deep sigh. Daryl reached for something, but I didn't watch. Just felt him move. The note appeared in front of me. Carl's letter.

"Read it," Daryl told me. "You won't regret it." With that, he got up and walked away. I sat there for a while, just staring at his writing. My name on the envelope. I did want to read it, but I didn't want to feel the hurt. Dampen the page with tears, regardless of it drying later. I remembered the feeling. Of loving him for the first time. We had just watched Carol trying to teach the kids. He came into my cell and started reading a comic. I had just started staring at him. Watching his features he read his comic. His eyes scanning the pages. His lips smiling at a joke or a comment. His brows when something had gotten serious or surprising. He'd start to look up at me and I'd dart my eyes back to my page that I wasn't even reading. Finding some spot to read and pretend like I'd just looked up to him looking at me.

Flashback

"What?" I asked Carl as he looked at me. He started to ramble about his comic. Some superhero and how he wished someone would continue to make comics. How he was growing tired of rereading comics and the chore of finding one he'd never read nowadays was difficult.

"Daryl could find you one," I said, going back to finding some spot in my book. He scoffed.

"Daryl does like picture books," Carl joked. He turned back to his picture book. Continuing to read. He turned back to catch my gaze.

"What?" He asked me. I shook my head as I looked at him.

"I wish you were just into books like I am. There's so many more out there than comics," I told him. He shrugged like I was right, but he didn't want to admit it. He turned back to his book as I turned back to mine. I smiled to myself as we continued to read in silence I'd look at him every once in a while. He didn't catch me staring.

Present

I hadn't realized I had sat in the same spot until nightfall. A whole day had passed since Carl's death. 24 hours. My face was puffy, but I wasn't actually crying. Or at least, I didn't feel like I was. I looked down at my hands. The blood and dirt would surely stain. The water pressure at hilltop was a drag. I managed to stand up and walk to the bathroom. I checked myself out in the mirror for scratches or bites. Almost begging to have one. But there were none. I was able to completely undress and start to shower. The water felt good. It was hot. The steam cleared up my sinuses. I watched the blood and dirt and sweat go down the drain as I washed myself off. When I was done, I got dressed and sat back in the spot I had gotten out of. The letter still laid still on my bed. Working up the courage, I picked up the letter and unfolded it. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I decided to open it. His handwriting was neat. He wasn't panicked writing. I stared at the ending sentence with his name signed below it. How could he believe that to be true? He was gone. I lived. Could he really have seen it all? His closing sentence had said,

"This is a new beginning."